Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

MY DAD (pounding on bathroom door): You’d better not be looking at mortgage rates again

“Miley Cyrus: ‘Society Wants to Shut Me Down'”. Not down, Miley. Up.

If someone sees you accidentally bite into plastic fruit, commit. don’t show weakness. eat all of it

Me (who lives alone): ok who ate all the almond butter

Me: do you like bad boys?
Her: no
Me: are you sure?
Her: [covers her dog’s ears] okay yes

Thanks to smartphones, the toilet has been transformed from a place of quiet reflection to my remote business command center. I’m not avoiding work. I’m literally getting shit done.

*goes into cardiac arrest to avoid small talk with the EMTs*

one taught me love
one taught me patience
and one taught me pain

Judge: Do you understand the charges filed against you?

Me: Yes, Your Majesty.

Judge: Your Honor.

Me: Oh, Thank you….

Satan [reading Chicken Soup for the Soul]: wtf this isn’t a cookbook

fertility doctor: it’s almost like your sperm are avoiding the egg

stormtrooper: *sighs*

Baby, it takes two to tango

But only one to tequila.

I want my headstone to read “loving wife, evil dictator”.

[Jesus on the cross]

*texts with 1 hand* “um dad y hav u 4saken me wtf”

*5 hrs pass*

“new phone. who dis?”

my son swallowed our amazon dash button and now im afraid to hug him for fear of ordering another bulk order of goldfish snacks. am i cursed

before you call me an idiot consider this: i know

Hmmmmmmm….

If I could live vicariously through someone, I would pick someone who gets to sleep through the night.

me at family reunion: im sick of you being called the cool one
brother who once attended a taping of the price is right: it is what it is

To the thief who stole my self-cloning machine, how can you live with yourself??

When I see an Olympic figure skater fall down, I feel represented.

*loses faith in humanity*
“this is the type of problem that can only be solved by 13 photos of unlikely animal friendships”

*trips over an ice cube dropped on the floor*

Me: This is JUST like the Titanic!!

I like big NUTS n my pecan pie
u other bakers cant deny
When a treat comes n with a crust too thin & the crumbs get on my chin
It gets FLUNG

If I had a time machine I’d bring all the Home Depot skeletons I could find to the Victorian age and surround a village with them while they all slept

Most people don’t know this, but “Piano Man” by Billy Joel is about a man bitten by a radioactive piano.

I went from “easy peasy lemon squeezy” to “messy distressy lemon zesty” in ten years.

Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something. *closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*

~ Developers

There are two good reasons never to drink water from the toilet. No 1 and No 2s!