Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Don’t you feel like the bed sometimes traps us? 🛌😅 #wawawiwacomics

If I were gonna give advice about how to survive leaving your phone at home, it would be this: stare at something else. I chose a weird baby

Whenever I drink I turn into Jason Bourne. I can’t remember much, fighting comes naturally, and I have a sudden need to evade the law.

Hey baby, do you like tan lines? Because I fell asleep with a badminton racquet on my face again and

my mom only remembers my childhood friends based on the perceived slights they committed against her 15 years ago. I’ll mention a name and she’ll just be like “ah yes, the one with the MUDDY SHOES.”

Fitness coach: have you been exercising & doing push-ups?
*Flashback to me running after the ice cream man & buying all the push-ups* “yes”

[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down

what if I told you big orthopedics is responsible for the crate challenge

Interviewer: What can you bring to the Lego creative team?

God: I’m God. I’ve created a lot of things.

Angel: *whispers* Show him the platypus.

I hate it when I get really drunk and start to say a bunch of things that I mean

ME: [inflating second “E” balloon]

WIFE: Are you sure you know how to spell happy birthday?

Secret agents asking citizens to please speak more clearly in all phone calls. Also, cut the chitchat and get to the good stuff, they ask.

A Peeping Tom was hospitalized after falling out of a tree. Appropriately in the ICU.

How’d you get a black eye?

Walked into a door.

[Later, another shiner]

More doors?

*nods*

One does not simply walk into more doors.

[in line for coffee]

Me (in my head): hi I’d like a caramel macchiato please. hi can I get a caramel macchiato? hi, I’d like one-

Barista: NEXT!

Me: Hello, um, I’d like one, uhhh *stumbling* carnival avocado

Me (in my head): god dammit

“have you heard about the Nu covid variant”

“no, what’s it called?”

“the Nu variant”

“yeah what’s it called”

“no, it’s literally spelled N U, Nu”

“haha wow, who named it that?”

“yes”

If you had a choice between owning a dragon or world peace, what would you name your dragon?

Spring love is in the air!

*sprays repellent*

*my friend pulling the dog’s tail after his surgery*

why isn’t this lamp working

Magazines are for your self esteem.

-New Yorker: You’re so uncultured.
-Cosmo: Your body is garbage.
-Forbes: Hey there, peasant.

Wife: What were the exact years of the Hundred Years War?

Me: Don’t know. Just Google it.

W: Geez, when did people stop using their brains?

M: Don’t know. Just Google it.

It’s easy to watch movies on this plane! Just download our app, set your phone to airplane mode, turn on your wifi, select our wifi, go to our website, enter in the special key, add a photo of your driver’s license, enter your social security number twice, give us your first born.

I think my nephew finally figured out that there’s no chameleon in this cage & that his Xmas present is a cage.

When my sister went into labour I was 13.
It was at 03, we shared a room. She woke me up saying, “I think I’m in labour.” I told her, “No you’re not go back to sleep.” Me, a 13 year old who knew nothing. Even her she listened . My mum was sooo pissed in the morning 💀

i wonder why they stopped looking

You know what they say about poison ivy – leaves of three, run screaming away and spend the rest of summer inside binge watching Netflix because Netflix never gives you rashes.

*a caveman walking along a trail sees another set of footprints. he stops & shakes his head*
the traffic has gotten so bad here.

“ANYWAY” — me when I’m about to keep talking about the thing I’ve been talking about for the last ten minutes

The state of my house can best be described as ‘there seems to have been a struggle

Judge: I sentence you to life in prison
Defendant: NOOOO MY ONLINE PRESENCE