This morning the cat gently nudged my sleep mask off of my eyes at exactly 7:30 AM, an adorable – but ultimately unacceptable – development.
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Hear me out. A waiting room where the doctors wait.
Damn, this hole is wet
*I say right after stepping into a puddle
If you ever have a moment of self-doubt, just remember that Kanye rhymed “collagen” with “apologi’n” so you can do anything.
A case of yoo-hoos, canned spaghetti and xanax. I’m like a 6 year old with anxiety and a driver’s license.
A N U S
B U T T
M U F F
~ My reply when the optometrist asks me to read the lower lines, regardless of what I see
Some dude just called me an idiot for not agreeing with him. What he doesn’t know is I’ve been calling myself that since we started talking.
6: Dad what’s a Kardashian?
Me: Nobody really knows…
6: Sounds really stupid
Me: I love you
can someone please help me, i’m still at the fyre festival
If you poop your pants while fishing, is it still called a boating accident? And can you claim it against insurance?
When you don’t understand how floors work
My coworker just told me this funny joke.
A web developer and an SEO expert walk into a bar, bars, nightclub, pubs, tavern, beer, alcohol, drinks, alcoholic beverages, bars in my area, places to drink.
no i didn’t do “research” to formulate my opinions. are u insane? they came to me in a vision
me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food my kids spilled*
ant: oh wait
TEENS IN THE 70S: let’s protest war
TEENS IN THE 80S: let’s protest capitalism
TEENS IN THE 90S: let’s rage against the machine
TEENS TODAY: let’s eat laundry detergent
I don’t believe in gender equality because there are just some things I’m not meant to do. Like be the sane one in a relationship.
Warning:
This movie contains “Adult Themes” such as interest rates, bad knees, back pain, and excitement about going to bed early.
me: [standing over a hot open fire at night]
10: this is nice dad
me: it is son [puts arm around him] yes it is.
10: but why are you burning all of our jeans?
me: we don’t need them anymore, son. jeans are a thing of the past now. [bites into a mozzarella stick]
Dr: How many drinks do you have per week?
Me: Four-
Dr: okay
Me: -teen
Dr:
Me: -ish.
Day 3 of my thirty minute DIY project
Of course I will guard your Easter basket from any pillaging by your sisters. Bring it here, honey.
[about to invent toaster]
i want a jump scare before eating burnt bread
I call my smoke detector Gordon Ramsay because every time I cook it screams at me
Remember when The Backstreet Boys told us to show them the meaning of being lonely and we were like ok
” I need you ”
– Me in the toilet roll aisle
If you’re ever pulled over by the police just tell them you pay their salary.
Sportscenter, episode 542783747363467367984768474756431063389425993399064375493638386747899532689432462567953467347: Men talking animatedly.
cop: can you describe the suspect
witness: he was no more than 6 feet
cop: [crossing out spiders] thank god
the way turkeys feel about november is probably how treadmills feel about january
[walking on beach]
[find bottle with message in it]
Message: IS YOUR FRIDGE RUNNING?
[another bottle with message washes against my feet]
I’m starting to suspect the cat knows more than she’s letting on but I’ll never know because she’s changed the passcode to get into her laboratory.