This morning when I woke my daughter for school she said I don’t like how you wake me with a soft voice so tomorrow I’m waking her with a kazoo.
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[reading The Night Before Christmas]
son: what’s a kerchief?
daughter: what’s a clatter?
son: what’s a sash?
daughter: what are coursers?
son: what’s soot?
daughter: what’s a peddler?
son: what’s a thistle?
me: *closing book* Santa is fake. It’s all fake. Goodnight.
Me: I know we agreed that you’d stay home but… things are tight right now, and I really need you to get a job
My Dog:
I twisted my ankle playing vodka last night
Him: do you have a pen?
Me: yes. (walks away)
I was trying to get a quarter size spider off of the ceiling and it fell INTO MY CLEAVAGE! After screaming my head off, jumping around and shaking my top like a Polaroid picture it fell out. I’m writing this from inside a dumpster I’ve set on fire. Farewell.
I had two eggs for breakfast. They were in the cake I ate…
When a comedian knocks someone up, is it called kidding?
“One box of murder hornets, please. And yes, it’s a gift.”
Free pizza at work got me like “Fine, I’ll come back on Monday”.
interviewer: we’ve decided to go with another candidate
me [slides can of spinach across table]: what about now?
interviewer: wrong popeyes
me [slides second can of spinach across table]: and now?
CNN: The alien invasion has begun
British person: I’ll put the kettle on
Sieved flour to rule them all
A pinch of salt to grind them
Cup of milk, then mix them all
add an egg to bind them-Lord of the Onion Rings
A month ago I gave my number to this beautiful girl. She said “I will text you when I get home”. I think she’s homeless.
If you’re unsure if you’re pregnant or not that’s called a maby
Zombies and I have a lot in common; we both walk around aimlessly looking for something to eat.
me: i was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: ur not even a suspect
me: i just wanted u to know
9: dad I don’t want to sleep in my room alone tonight. Can I sleep with you and mom?
me: aw bud, it’s okay. You won’t be alone in your room. There’s plenty of ghosts in there to keep you company.
9: MOM!
Did it hurt when YOU fell from heaven?
If so, contact the law offices of Leon Molowitz, and get the monetary compensation you deserve!
I surveyed 100 women and asked them what shampoo they used when showering, 98 of them said, “How the hell did you get in here?”
Wife: I’m pissed!
Me: still or again?
My attending asked me if I had ADHD but I heard PhD… and i shouted out “no i have a bachelor of science” 😅
4th year is going well.
Just washed my windows and not a single bloke came out and said ‘You can do mine next!’
This used to be a real country.
I take issue with furniture that deliberately moves 1 inch when you’re in a rush to get by.
What
Doctor: Questions?
Me: How do I know if my baby is a raptor?
Him:
Me
Him: She’s a baby
Me: That’s what a raptor would want me to think.
I bought some coconut shampoo today.
I got halfway home before I thought, “I dont even have a coconut!”
Gave my 8yo $20 to buy a Hawaiian souvenir so he found a seashell on the beach and spent the money on ice cream.
Nothing cuts deeper than an insult with bad grammar and a spelling mistake.
American: Your forest fire smoke is disgusting. Keep it up there!
Canadian: Sorry, but have you tried building a wall about it?
Jehovah’s Witness: have you found god?
me: I’m not telling you, that’s cheating!
JW: excuse me?
me: that’s not how you play hide and seek, you’ve got to find him yourself!