Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Oh you thought I sent you that red balloon emoji 🎈 as a happy birthday message?
No.
I meant that I hope a freaky clown tries to kill you.

*spends ages choosing a ring tone.

*puts phone on silent

Me: Can you get the things you want to take to Manchester?
8yo: *Goes to her room and returns with seven books*

I went to the gym and ended up watching tennis for an hour.

I blame ESPN for my eventual demise.

ME TO MY CAT: Now show them the word I taught you that means you have an ouchie.

MY CAT: me-ow

FRIENDS: ……you’re an idiot.

Me after learning something literally 5 min ago:

Everybody else who doesn’t know this thing is an idiot

Sorry babe when you said “let’s go for a run” I thought you meant for coffee, not actual exercise and that’s on me

Perfect

By 35 you should have returned to your childhood home to discover the ancient evil you and your friends thought you’d defeated when you were all 12 has risen again, say retirement experts.

Husband: she bit me
4yo: No I didn’t
Me: how did Daddy get this bite on his arm?
4yo: his coworker

He asked what my favorite position was… I said CEO

If you get banned off Twitter now, you get X-communicated

aaaaand send

Me, in a job interview: My weaknesses? I’d have to say one would be serving customers. Dealing with people in general.

HR: This is a customer service position. It was in the ad title.

Me: Another weakness is attention to detail. But that’s really it.

Stop hating yourself for everything. Be specific.

Since I had to google “exercise” to make sure I spelled it right, I think it’s safe to say I have no idea what to do at the gym.

Me: Of all my kids, you’re my favorite
12: I’m your only kid
Me: Well that attitude won’t keep you in the top spot for long

Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”

Me (while pouring you tea from a kettle marked ‘POISON’): I apologise. My ‘NOT POISON’ kettle is dirty at the moment.

DON’T EVER CATCH UP ON YOUR LAUNDRY
YOUR KIDS WILL GET A STOMACH BUG AND BARF ON EVERYTHING
{big laundry wrestles the microphone away from me}
IT’S A TRAP!
HEY LET GO OF ME!

My Mormon neighbor said it was rude I assumed her husband’s surprise birthday party invitation was also an invitation to be her sister wife.

All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.

[trying to make friends as an adult]
May I interest you in tolerating me for a moment

99% of the time I have zero understanding of how people are using “iykyk”. “Eating some ice cream iykyk.” Well I certainly thought I knew about ice cream. I thought *everybody* knew about ice cream

Scotland……because even the Romans needed to meet a group of people that made them say “Nah…just build a wall and keep an eye on em”

Of course, I’m an active listener. I walk away briskly every time you open your mouth.

[Truth or Dare]
Her: What’s your biggest secret?

Salazar Slytherin: *sweating* No secrets here haha. Definitely not a chamber full of ’em

BOUNCER: *checking ID* this doesn’t look like you
CATERPILLAR: *adjusts makeshift wings* its me
B: oh yeah? Fly then
C: uh *starts sweating*

What idiot named them Minions and not Gru-pies

I don’t use Tinder, I meet girls the old school way: never

In honor of A REAL PAIN hitting theaters, one of my favorite Jesse Eisenberg anecdotes