This mosh pit at Chuck E. Cheese ain’t gonna start itself
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Me: A man’s bouncy house is his bouncy castle
Wife: I don’t care which one you call it, just let the kids play in it even if it is on “your side”
It’s fine to eat a “test” grape in the produce section but you take one bite of a rotisserie chicken and it’s all, “sir you need to leave.”
Diarrhea awareness week starts today. Runs through Sunday.
Me, dying from machete attack: Someone—
My kids: What?
Me: Call the geek squad—
K: No!
Me: I’ve been hacked!
K: *run off to thank my killer*
Dry January. Only drinking dry martinis.
*carpools to work*
Damnit Karen can you just match the windshield wiper setting to the frequency of raindrops
Alexa play Metallica…
Alexa play Metallica…
Alexa play Metallica…
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: Trying to get this piece of shit to play some music
Wife: Well 1st off, that’s my coffee thermos you moron…
My bank says my password isn’t strong enough. Did it ever stop and think that my password has a lot going on right now?
I used to think chiropractors were useless till I had back problems… Now, I stand corrected.
No one makes fun of your cargo pants when you start pulling little bottles of liquor out of them at the PTA meeting
My boss said “dress for the job you want, not for the job you have”
Now I am sitting in a disciplinary meeting in my Wonder Woman costume.
Nonmaterial gift ideas:
An experience
A home cooked meal
Offer to destroy one of their enemies
Clean their house
My wife gives me the speaking treatment.
Air Bud but from the perspective of a kid on the losing team that has to explain to his overbearing father he lost to a dog.
mom: Why are your eyes red? Are you high!?
[flashback to me cry-singing Taylor Swift’s “Love Story” in the car on the way over]
me: Yes
Me: Have you tried turning it off and on again?
Helicopter pilot: …no.
Such bullshit that people stop saying “You ate it all! Good job!” once you reach a certain age
*listening to the neighbor’s kids screaming outside*
“I know right it’s terrifying GET INSIDE!”
A Library is a good place to get in a fight with ur girlfriend cuz its the only place u can get away with saying “Shhh” w/out being murdered
Me, trying to settle down in bed.
My dog: Raises head high, sniffs repeatedly, then intently stares directly over my head for a good 10- 15 seconds, then shoves his head under a pillow.
Anyone know an exorcist?
Voting for coroner
[Date]
Me: tell me about yourself
Her: I’m really vegan
Me: oh no
Her: and I have a kid
Me: oh no
Her: his name is Kale
Me: ohhh noo
me: you’re killing it
my murderer: that’s so nice of you to say
Wish I was as brave as my kid who just ate zero bites of her dinner and then asked for a snack 6 minutes after the table was clear.
therapist: and what is it about this generation that bothers you?
satan: i give them the intro tour and they just say shit like “ooo spooky lol”
therapist: that’s not so bad
satan: when i showed one girl the pit of everlasting flame, she sighed and said “big mood”
My new neighbour is breaking the law by making noise every night after 11. Do I call the police for this or confront the newborn directly?
It’s important to get out of the house every once and a while to remind yourself of why you don’t go out
4 was mean to his brother so I read him a story about an unkind crab who becomes stuck in a trap. 4 asked, “Did this happen because the crab was mean?”
Sensing a good opportunity, I shut the book and said, “Yes. And they ate him. The end.”
Sleep well tonight, kid.
Why are the people on soap operas always CEOs?
Nobody works at Walmart?