Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Another bucket of wine please.
Waiter: You mean a new bottle in an ice bucket?
Me: No.

*makes graveyard even scarier by carving all the tombstones into shark fins*

“If you love the bed so much why don’t you marry it?”
*imagines beautiful ceremony on the beach, me & Beddy.
No one can stop our love now.

This year for Halloween I’m putting my kids in a giant bowl on the front step with a sign that says Please Take One.

Mother, may I invite the aliens over for dinner?

LinkedIn is the best dating app because you know whether your potential love knows how to use Microsoft Excel.

Shhhhh! I can’t hear about how God spoke to you! I’m busy listening to my toaster tell me about his day.

[death row]

prison chef: would you like to request a final meal?

me: yes, casserole, but can you cook it for twenty five years

I waited 9 months for my daughter to finally say “mama” but I had to wait 9 long years to finally hear her say “you’re a much better driver than dad.”

Thanks to my fear of the Duolingo owl, I’ve been practicing my French for 300 days!

This day in history. 1950. The FBI put out its first 10 Most Wanted list and my dad lost a bet because only 2 of the guys were his brothers.

Pigeon: the distance a pig travels in one eon

The most abundant animal in the world is the chameleon. Scientists disagree with me but they’re only counting the ones they can see

The war on Christmas? Yeah, I started it. But in my defense, maybe Santa warns a person before his home invasion and I don’t take him out.

It’s fine that my wife plans beach vacations every year around Shark Week but only referring to me as “chum” while we’re there is a bit much.

Me: I realized I’ve never made a goose happy. I’ve never made a goose sad, but I’ve also never made one happy. Today is the day I change that.

Baker: So, two loaves of bread?

Me: yes two please.

ME: He had poise, grace and confidence, but without arrogance.

WIFE: Did you really think the zoo wouldn’t notice a missing peacock?

This morning I did ten sit ups. Doesn’t sound like much, but there are only so many times you can hit the snooze button.

I think the next Fast and Furious should take place in a world with adequate public transportation. Then they wouldn’t need to worry about going so fast since they would just get everywhere on time.

home depot should sell a 12ft turkey skeleton for thanksgiving

Boss: Where’s the progress report I asked u for
Me: I haven’t made any progress that’s my report

What I imagine it’d be like if I had a job

If you get a text from me that ends in a stream of emojis, my mother has stolen my phone DO NOT ENGAGE

I told my kids they could have everything they want from the Amazon toy catalogue all they have to do is cut out the pictures and play with them which worked out great because now they’re not talking to me so problem solved

[first day on the job at a mattress store]

Boss: I don’t think this is working out. You called these pillows headpuffs four times now.

Me: *sighing* I’m just trying to sell your nap trampolines.

[Bank]
COP: [through megaphone] LET ONE OF THE HOSTAGES GO
ROBBER: Okay, who wants out?
ME: [spinning on bosses chair] I’m comfortable.

wife, giving birth: we have got to get to the hospital ASAP

me: who’s all gonna be there

Biden: *picks nose*
Obama: Don’t.
Biden: *makes direct eye contact*
Obama: Joe.
Biden: *slowly brings finger to mouth*

How do I tell my doctor I only like him as a friend

[attending a lecture on kleptomania]

Me: *taking notes*

Keynote speaker: please give me back my notes