Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

2014: lost 10 lbs, saved $135, ate $135 worth of candy, gained 10 lbs

Me, at 21: I’m going to try a new hobby this year!

Me, at 28: I’m going to try a new career this year!

Me, at 35: I’m going to try a new spot on the couch this year

The iPad Air is named after what’s left in your bank account when you buy one.

Why on earth would anyone even buy a deathbed?

Wanna go out with me?

Make an awkward face for yes.
Name the entire periodic table for no.

“We’ll call you” – OH NO

“You call us” – OH NO

me: how much is the funny smelling spray

clerk: perfume?

me: no the whole bottle

Me: It just feels like you’re holding me to outdated standards

My mum: Oh? Let’s see if my grandkids agree OH NO WAIT

Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.

If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.

Marriage is one spouse cooking and the other deciding to block them by unloading the dishwasher and ending the argument by rage folding laundry

DID Y’ALL KNOW THAT THEY MAKE CAFFEINATED WATER? WHY AM I YELLING?!?

*bumps into old work colleague*
*chats for 30 seconds*
Them: “we should totally catch up soon”
My brain: no, this was enough catching!

son: my girlfriend & I just broke up
me: sorry to hear that
s:
me: plenty of fish in the sea, though
s:
me: not that this helps you
s:
me: cause you’re human & not, y’know..
s:
me: …an aquatic sea animal
s:
me: such a variety of oceanic fauna
s:
me: please go away

It is truly easier to forgive your enemies than figure out how to limit their access to your facebook page.

Sure, Michelle Obama said those words first but Melania Trump had the imagination to say them like an operative in a cold war spy thriller.

Every single bad day happened because I woke up

Old friend: I barely recognize you.

“That’s the look I was going for. “

And where the back of the wardrobe should have been, one passed through until the air grew cold and one could feel the brush of pine trees. This Ikea wardrobe is terrible.

[self-quarantine day 3]
must clean the house and bathe

[self-quarantine day 8]
have to get my shit together

[self-quarantine day 15]
can’t keep living like this

[self-quarantine day 21]
might be losing it

[self-quarantine day 34]
taught mr. wiggles to play “careless whisper”

People should be teaching kids to spell by changing the wifi password every week to something increasingly complicated

Parents would stop celebrating thier children’s first steps if they knew what was about to go down after they master that shit

Don’t wait until tomorrow to be a good person. Wait until next Thursday

I’ve got 99 chores but I ain’t done one. ~Lay-Z

If a duckling is a baby duck, I don’t want to eat dumplings.

So, when she said she wanted a ‘fairy-tale’ romance, she didn’t actually want me to eat her grandma or lock her in a tower?

Dating is hard.

Keep your friends zoned and your enemies zoneder

I told my kid that the fish fossil was found 194 years ago. He asked if I’d found it. And that’s when he mysteriously disappeared…

There are innumerable mental health benefits of spending time in nature, but that doesn’t mean coming into the forest and screaming “fix my life” at the trees.

Panicked when I saw “Godzilla” was trending, until I found out there’s a movie.