This mouthbreathing, fat creepy dude at work baked a cake and wrote, “Eat cake if you want to be my girlfriend” on it. I’m so torn right now
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no!! no!!!!!!
I like to put powdered sugar around my nose before Zoom meetings
*gets woken up by a tap on my shoulder*
“Daddy, how do you get yogurt out of the toaster when it’s done toasting?”
*interrupts your heartfelt story*
Oh NOW I hear your New York accent!! Say “dying wish” again!Ok now say “coffee”!
[Uncle Sam opening gifts at his July 4 birthday celebration]
*sigh* another stars and stripes top hat
Have kids they said, they definitely won’t lose your right AirPod in the yard and run it over with the lawn mower they said.
Call Me crazy, but the ideal number of times a Pope should have once been a member of the Nazi Youth is zero.
went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security
Me: [in Airplane Mode] Don’t call me
Me: [in Airplane! Mode] Don’t call me Shirley
Of course he’s going to get re-elected, because once you go Black…
JUMP
ING
UP
AND
DOWN
ON
THE
TRAMP
O
LINE
OUT
SIDE
YOUR
WIN
DOW
IS
NOT
HOW
I
WANT
ED
TO
BREAK
UP
WITH
YOU
KAR
EN
I made a Tinder account for 1st time ever today for some blog research and it’s going pretty well.
Smokey: “Only you can prevent forest fires”
Me: HOLY SHIT A TALKING BEAR
It’s been a while since you last tweeted about how much you hate it when someone microwaves fish at work. Are you ok?
Walmart keeps two elderly people on staff at all times: one to greet you, and one to walk slowly in front of you on the way out.
I don’t get vegetables on my pizza because I don’t like mixing business with pleasure
My wife suggested taking Ecstasy to help with sex and so far she’s banged three neighbors and the UPS guy
EVERY picture my husband takes of me is like
“Thanks, you’ve been a wonderful host!”
– Viruses
Stay humble, you are someone’s weird coworker.
*wrestles a hard fought 30min match*
*shakes opponent’s hand*
*hugs opponent*
*makes out with opponent*
*enters stable relationship with opponent that has intellectual chemistry and emotional intimacy*
*3 month anniversary brunch CLOTHESLINE HEEL TURN IT WAS ALL A SETUP*
[Running a marathon]
Guy beside me: are- are you wearing tap dancing shoes?
Doctors who give out lollipops really treat their patients
3 is feeding 1 strawberries and calling him Baby Babe. It’s so sweet, I can almost forget he tried to lock him in the closet half an hour ago.
Like shark attacks on humans, it’s actually extremely rare. The majority of antique, porcelain headed dolls aren’t interested in murdering people.
I worry about people who write “taken” in their bios.
Where did they go?
Who took them?
Why aren’t we helping to find them?
I don’t mean to brag, but I don’t need to buy a new Tamagotchi. The one I got in 1997 is not only still alive, but it’s healthier than I am.
A guy in New York had a CVS receipt
stuck to his shoe.Luckily, a lady in Chicago saw it and
was kind enough to pull it off for him.