This mouthbreathing, fat creepy dude at work baked a cake and wrote, “Eat cake if you want to be my girlfriend” on it. I’m so torn right now
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If you call the coffee mugs by your bed “a collection”, you never have to take them to the sink
ME: *tying hotdogs together*
Wife: I have the bologna shurikens cut out. We playing meat ninjas or not?
Me: CALM DOWN! THE NUNCHUCKS ARE ALMOST READY!
There’s a Baseball field in Finland that has a river camera. The results are what I’d expect.
My phone changed Careless Whisper into Casserole Whopper and now I’m on the phone with the CEO of Burger King
It’s weird to think there was a time when the most data a tablet could hold was five commandments.
*stops abruptly at red light*
*instinctively reaches out arm to protect food in passenger seat*
Cop: You look pretty beat up, how many attackers did you say there was?
[flashback to me showing the cat my nunchuk skills]
Me: Easily 10
still really wild that Starbucks built its brand on ~artisanal cozy vibes~ and now it feels like you’re in there to get a blood test
My husband refused to get glasses. But that was before he brushed his teeth with Preparation H.
Complete list of all the words I know to “The Macarena”:
1- Hey
2- Macarena
Neighbour mowed his lawn at 6am… Logic dictates that I should get drunk in the backyard tonight and try to learn to play the didgeridoo.
😂😂😂
“Dad, can you explain the eclipse to me?”
“No sun.”
fortune cookie- You will not die alone but with many many cat…
cat: LOL THAT’S SO YOU!
The Duolingo owl and the Hooters owl are brothers. One chose the path of knowledge. The other, the path of jumbo bazoingas, short shorts and chicken wings. An unbridgeable schism. A tale as old as time.
The Constitution says nothing about it being illegal for cats to carry firearms and this worries me immensely.
Bloggers be like, “5 Reasons Why Breathing Air is Good For You”
Trader Joe’s was destined for greatness…
Unlike his twin brother Sloppy Joe who was destined to work in a cafeteria for minimum wage.
son: school just got canceled
me: oh shit what did it do
You’re telling me people get eight hours of sleep? Like in one night?
No one runs faster than a 3 year old holding your iPhone.
I went upstairs to grab my charger I brushed my hair, picked up some dirty clothes, changed my sons diaper, put on deodorant, came back downstairs, vacuumed the entire first floor & picked up some toys. I just sat down to plug in my phone & realized I never grabbed the charger.
12 people have been to the moon and only 8 people have won Takeshis castle. Really makes you think.
5: are there people coming tomorrow?
me: no why?
5: well you guys cleaned the house
Me: Damn i really need to do my essay
Also me:
Got kicked off from Instagram for eating my food before posting a pic of it.
I believe it was Gandhi who said “never create passwords for apps when you’re shitfaced”
A penguin is a bird the way a hot dog is a sandwich
Waiter: How is the chicken?
Me: Not great. I think he might be dead.
Our Summer schedule is now out! No one gets you to the beach faster. Book now.
