Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Server: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have olives.

Me: I think there has been a misunderstanding. The name of this establishment implies there would be olives in droves. An incomprehensible abundance.

Server: I’m sure you’ll enjoy our pasta selectio-

Me: Is this even a garden??

7YR OLD: daddy, I don’t want to go to bed, it’s still light outside

ME: [explains daylight savings time]

7: that’s the dumbest shit I’ve ever heard.

{Getting dating advice}
FRIEND: Just be yourself.
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: You’ve met me tho—
FRIEND: No, yeah, I heard it as soon as I said it.

[flirting with Jesus]
So…is there a queen of the Jews

Doggy day care is like a regular day care except you have to enter from the rear.

Teacher: welcome to health class

Me: my friend said you can get a girl pregnant by kissing her?

Teacher: sir please just mop the floor

There are three stages in a woman’s life.
1. Pampers
2. Always
3. Depends

Sports bra is so tight my cleavage starts at my chin

my mom treats her air pods like they’re disposable. buys a few a month. she says they would be easier to not lose if they had….a cord

When serial killers can’t afford to travel, they take slaycations

Do a little dance… Drink a lot of rum… Fall down tonight…

Blizzard after 3 years of Overwatch lore development

No one:
Me: oh thank you I got it on sale.

My doctor just diagnosed me with a severe lack of awareness.

That came out of nowhere.

Employment is basically an arranged marriage with your coworkers.

[Witness Protection Program]
So the more ordinary, mundane your new name is, the easier it’ll be to blend into your new-
BUBBLENUTS McFUNKY!

“What state are we in now?”

-kids, 5 minutes into a 15-hour road trip

With regard to that five second rule – do they have to be consecutive seconds?

Don’t ask a pregnant lady “do you know the sex?” obviously she knows about sex she’s pregnant you stupid idiot

[emergency]

[super hero appears]

GUY: It’s Doesn’t-Understand-Rhetorical-Questions Man. Boy, am I glad to see you!

HERO: I…I don’t know

If I had to choose one word that encapsulates me, I’d say skin.

I couldn’t afford an engagement ring so I just poured a can of spaghettios on her hand

yes lassie?
“bark”
Timmy’s in the well and you pissed in my slippers and you told me about Timmy first so I wouldn’t get mad
“bark”
smart

I went to a vegan restaurant once. Wait, no, that was just a florist.

Calm down penguins. You’re just a flashy suit and a few body parts away from being a platypus.

Is that a burrito in your pocket or are you happy to see me?
I’m cool if it’s a burrito.

Science: caffeine can cause sleep issues.

Me who drinks a ton of coffee: if only there was something I could do to improve my sleep.

Me, the boss: The most important part of your job is to not distract me by naming different kinds of delicious sausage.

New Guy: No problem. And do we-?

Me: Thats it! You’re fired!

Me: They call me snowcone
Him: Sweet and fun to lick?
Me: In a constant state of meltdown