“This movie is intended for 18+ viewers.” Bro, I don’t have 17 friends to watch this with.
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Dad: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: I want a gf thats not crazy.
Dad: You should ask for something more realistic. Like a dragon.
My neighbor told me to close the curtains when I’m naked, but then I don’t get that cool sensation of pressing up against the window glass
men don’t eject their eyes from their sockets and yell awooga anymore
My neighbors were up shouting all night. I could barely hear my bagpipes.
wife: are you still reading that stupid dorothy and scarecrow wizard of oz fan fiction
me: i’ll have you know 50 shades of hay is a true literary masterpiece
“It puts the lotion on its skin…”
— me buttering a baked potato
Rules for being a good neighbor:
1. MIND YOUR OWN GODDAMN BUSINESS
2. Don’t forget rule number one.
Catwoman’s full name is Catherine Woman.
why are they called anti-vaxxers and not the marvelous mrs measles
My 4yr old has started prefaceing questions with, “but don’t say no” and he’s got a lot to learn about disappointment
I haven’t had one mouth papercut since I stopped flossing with business cards
“I apologize for the misunderstanding”
– Professional
– Non-threatening
– Executive level“Listen here you little shit”
– Assertive
– Life-threatening
– Who knows what will happen next
Sex with me is like eating spaghetti with a spoon.
Her: What are you reading?
Me: “Sex and the Single Guy.”
Her: What’s that about?
Me: (Pause) Church architecture.
Robber: Give me your phone and don’t try anything funny. *looks at my tweets* Ok, I see that you haven’t.
My washing machine keeps flashing the code for unbalanced like I know how to fix that
QUESTION: What were the very first straws made of? ANSWER: Straw.
HR: Well?
Me: it was a surprisingly good slingshot
HR:
Me: I didn’t know the eraser would hit him in the eye
HR:
Me: can I have my bra back?
[GOD INVENTING THE AVOCADO]
Make a banana annoying.
not just anyone can be cremated. you have to urn it
Watching the history channel and feeling clever when the guy said “and this dinosaur was called pterodactyl” and I’m thinking “called by who, there was nobody there”
When I was in college, my mother didn’t sleep with my math professor to pass the class, I did. Kids have it so easy now.
People in glass houses can throw whatever they want. They live in a glass house, I’m not expecting them to be practical
Me: I can save some money if I install this new dishwasher myself.
*4 hours of clanging, shoving and inventing new curse words*
Me: Sticks out a little, but seems to work
Wife: Now the drawer with the silverware is blocked
Me: WE’LL EAT WITH OUR HANDS!!
My stove is the most expensive cigarette lighter I’ve ever purchased.
At my grandma’s house and just accidentally let out a “yall stop running in and out” omg it’s over 💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔
Always answer a math question in a silly voice because if you’re wrong they’ll think you’re joking and if you’re right they’ll feel dumb.
i love corporate logic because a company will fire an entire newsroom full of award-winning journalists to spare the $500k salary of a guy in a corner office whose title is like Senior Vice President of Bad Decision-Making
Me: *finishes up dinner date*
Me: *sits down at new table* Sorry I’m late, traffic was awful
Her: …you were literally sitting at the table right next to this one
George Washington only said “I cannot tell a lie” because he never had to fill out a kid’s reading log.