“This movie is intended for 18+ viewers.” Bro, I don’t have 17 friends to watch this with.
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A movie where two people finally kiss and all their friends cheer in the background because just behind the kissing people two swans are fighting brutally
I’ve often wondered whether baby deer are left or right handed. Turns out they’re bambidextrous.
“I’m not a prude BUT” – you’re a prude
“I hate the drama BUT” – you love the drama
“I’m not sure what you mean BUT” – you know damn well what I mean
Went to the Planetarium to do some stargazing but I didn’t see one celebrity. Rip-off!
Is anyone else worried that software engineers with no people skills are teaching our future robots people skills
amateur: taco tuesday
pro: taco everyday
Neighbor may have just called the cops after hearing me yell at the cat for stealing my cheese bread
What should we call our new store?
“Will we sell pottery?”
No.
“Is it in a barn?”
No.
“Let’s go with Pottery Barn.”
Hell, I love it Carl.
me: yes, i’m very sexually active and i only drink socially.
doctor: i haven’t asked you anything yet
At his funeral. I lay my hand on your shoulder. I apply pressure, gently, in an attempt to move you from in front of the snack table.
Not sure if I should be more concerned about the son who locked me out of my bedroom today, or the one who showed me how to pick the lock.
the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care of most
batman [clenching fist]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
God: you’re a parrot.
Parrot: ok.
God: you can repeat everything you hear.
Parrot: humans are the worst.
God: uh what?
Parrot: i’ll prolly kill them in a flood soon.
God:
Parrot:
God: what’s it gonna take to keep this quiet?
Parrot: I wanna live in a tropical paradise.
“Dad, you called me my brother’s name.”
I’m sorry *30 second pause* little dude.
TRUMP: Let’s get that Muslim Band going
“Band? We thought you said ban”
TRUMP: No way, that’s harsh. Also, how’s that Mexican mall coming?
Yawn in the club to see who’s checkin you out.
My wife said “you really have no sense of direction do you?”. I said “where did that come from?” Happy turkey day
When you have kids, you’ll see them fighting with each other a lot but you’ll also occasionally see them show genuine signs of love and friendship. Those moments are so beautiful and they happen just before the kids start fighting with each other again.
Spiraling into madness while watching the slow texter’s dots bounce
Last year my ex and I dressed as opposing political parties for Halloween… best hate sex we ever had.
Son: Did you know Alligators can live 100 years?
Me: Must be why you’ll see them later.
Me: [crying so hard I can’t breathe] why
Waiter: [returning my plate] sorry, I thought you were done
Walking dead spoiler alert. There are zombies and they like to try & eat people but the people are like “nuh uh zombie, we don’t want that”
Meeting a blind date at Starbucks. She said shell be wearing Uggs, a NorthFace Jacket, and yoga pants. I got her narrowed down to 47 girls.
Seems I can never find good brussels sprouts at the store, so I decided to grow them myself. Turns out I don’t like brussels sprouts.
“Ouch!”
“Ow!”
“Careful, that’s my bad knee!”
“Oh great, now my arm is numb!”
“I think I need to ice something”
“Maybe we should rest for a minute!”
– sex in your 40’s
They don’t serve bacon on airplanes cause pigs are on the no fry list
Dang I didn’t make it to the gym today! That makes 5 years in a row