This nation more divided than ever.
I just saw a tweet in support of raisins.![]()
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The most embarrassing thing about mistaking pilates class for pirates class is concealing my musket.
I drink because I care. About me. And drinks.
I don’t mean to brag, but I’ve received a lot of emails that find me well.
Sometimes I feel bad for yelling at my kids, but then I remember that some animals eat their kids and I don’t feel so bad anymore.
“MEANWHILE IN MONTANA: A handful of cows found their way into a newly built home and lived in it for a month before being noticed.
The family was moving from Washington. The Aunt was supposed to be checking on the place, but she didn’t. A rancher had filed a report about missing
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All I’m saying is, China could have a much better relationship with the West if they shared their dragons with us but whatever be that way.
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
Audrey Hepburn probably has my favorite last name that combines an STD and a symptom of an STD
Welcome to your forties. People think you’re a great listener but really you just mastered sleeping with your eyes open.
[first day as a torturer]
Me: *throws stack of bills on the table* now call your doctors and the insurance company back and forth until you figure out what you need to pay.
Captive: *crying* I’m ready to talk.
My neighbour called out “cheer up” today so I asked if he was moving house
Cops have a new radar that lets them see through walls into our homes but imagine if this technology fell into the wrong hands! Oh wait…
[At historic site]
Guide: Questions?
Me: What’s the wifi password?
G: I meant about 19th century life.
M: Oh….Dost thou have thy password?
[classroom]
Nietzsche: whoever fights monsters should see to it that he does not become a monster. Any questions?Me: [googling how to fight a dragon] I have a few
BAILIFF: Please state your name for the courtroom.
SCOOBY: Scooby Doo.
BAILIFF: Your FULL name.
SCOOBY: Scooby Doobie Doo.
If a sister is a nun then a brother is a bun this makes zero sense aaand send
STAND-UP COMEDIAN: you know how after sex-
ME: [stands up all mad] this isn’t relatable at all
Ways to make your woman happy.
1. Cook for her.
2. Surprise her with hugs & kisses.
3. Hide a lion in her apartment then rescue her.
Me: so this is a weird photo shoot lmao
The cop who’s processing me: would you just shut up already
I’ve decided it’s time to fall in love again.
*orders southern fried chicken sandwich with extra pickles*
Welcome to Flavourtown I’m Gouy Fieouri
[Freddy Krueger comes to kill me in my nightmare]
Me: OMG I can’t believe I’m actually sleeping.
[first day at coaching job where I lied pretty badly on my resume]
ok guys, get out there & do some of those *looks at clipboard* slum danks
Diamonds aren’t a girl’s best friend.
Perfectly regulated office temperatures are a girl’s best friend.
A wise man once told me, “Are you even listening?”
*Walking with wife listening to Dust In The Wind*
Me: This is our song.
*A dude walks by listening to it*
Me: That’s OUR song! GIVE IT BACK!
The best part about being thirty is that I’m finally old enough to play a high schooler in movies.
MOM: I don’t care how old you are, you’ll always be my baby
ME [being passed around by her friends to hold] ok but this is weird, I need to get to work
Probably the worst thing about pyramid schemes is how they make you advertise to all your friends and family that you are part of a pyramid scheme.
I don’t always go outside but when I do I hit my forehead really hard on a shelf to make sure I look like an idiot.