This needs to be over soon because my husband is starting to realize I’m not out of his league.
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Houston, we have a problem
Houston: new phone who dis
Facebook: your old HS friend just sent you a friend request
me: cool!
Facebook: she’s racist now
me: uhh
Facebook: everyone on here is
My 6 year old asked to play charades with me yesterday. At first she was trapped behind an invisible wall, then suddenly she was eating soup, then driving a car. She dismissed each guess as completely absurd. Finally, frustrated by my ballerina guess, she said, “I’M A MIME, DAD!”
[family WhatsApp group]
me: I’ll visit this weekend
dad: OK
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…mom: bring a sweater, it’s cold
No matter what’s going on in your life, there’s some form of potato that can make it better.
Parenthood is so weird. I don’t know why I say thank you to my 3yo every time she gives me her booger.
My 8-year-old son told me my veins on the back of my legs are looking better, thus showing me he really knows how to compliment a woman.
[First date]
Him:”Waiter!”
Waiter:”Sir?”
Him:”Could you check the toilets? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
[at Dr. appointment]
Dr.: yeah looks like you have too much acid in your diet.
Me: JESUS CHRIST DOC YOUR FACE IS MELTING
My eyes are seared by the blood soaked nightmare of the hellscape before me.
The pungent odor of the wretched, tortured souls burns my lungs.
I struggle to breathe…Me, in the DMV waiting room
wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
me *calls wife* Can you bring me some pants?
The bartender just threw the bottle of vodka in the air and caught it. Maybe next time it’ll turn into a college degree.
A Starbucks was robbed at gunpoint this afternoon. The culprits are still at venti.
I always roll out of bed. Not even morning can trick me into doing a sit-up
when someone dies in the hospital and they put a sheet over them that’s just bc they’re preparing them for being a ghost
If you like constant interruptions when you’re [no you can’t have a snack] trying to get something done, then parenting [leave the cat alone] might be for you.
Matthew McConaughey walks into a bakery…
Matthew: “Can I get three loaves of bread please?”
Baker: “What type do you want sir?”
Matthew: “All rye, all rye, all rye.”
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like, “Why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
Yesterday, I passed a beautifully remodeled ranch home with an adorable front porch and one of those country chic wooden board signs beside the front door with vertical letters saying:
G
O
A
W
A
YAnd I am here for that energy.
Please don’t bother me while I am playing Tetris*
*taking everything out of my attic and then fitting it all back in
These e-cigarettes keep getting bigger and bigger. I swear I just saw someone smoking a clarinet.
It’s important to teach your children math so they can better understand what episode of Star Wars they are watching.
Me: I’m not gonna go crazy this year
Also me: cooks 85 dishes for Thanksgiving and wonders why there are so many leftovers
A thick layer of mayonnaise on all your furniture will remove water rings from wood and unwanted guests from your house.
Why do we “shush” our dogs when they bark at the postman when 98% of our mail is bills?
Dogs get it.
Next time, join in.
him: oh sorry I thought you worked here
me, in line at a haunted house: WOW
7: We should probably sell our pets before they get old and die.
I guess I know which of my kids is NOT getting power of attorney.
