This needs to be over soon because my husband is starting to realize I’m not out of his league.
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I woke up at 3 am this morning to the sound of my burglar alarm
“Time to go out and rob some people!” I said
*at 5’s “restaurant”*
5: What can I get for you?
Me: Tacos.
5: We’re not Italian.
Me: Tacos aren’t Italian.
5: We’re Mexican.
Me: Great! Can I have some tacos then?
5: We don’t have tacos.
I think this restaurant is having an identity crisis.
[liquor store]
Him: Did you see a cat in here? I know I just heard purring.
Me: *looking at huge boxed wine selection*
Him: Oh, it’s you.
My parents didn’t raise me to be rude, I had to practice
Shoutout to headline writers, making their own fun.
It’s hard to stay mad at Kanye when you remember he once threatened to move to Oklahoma and live at his aunt’s house
Friday the 13th is my favorite movie about killing anyone having more sex than me
Whoever invented popcorn deserves the Medal of Honor for not panicking after the first 45 seconds.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if anyone is looking for a way to make swallowing food easier, try using “Teeth”. I recently began using teeth while eating and it’s reduced the number of Heimlich manoeuvres I receive per month by over 94% 👍
4: “Can I say fuh?”
Me: “Don’t…”
4: “Can I say king?!”
Me: “NoooOOOOOOO!”
“No, no. No! NO!” – guy who invented black ski masks after people started using them for robbing
My week is basically:
Monday
Monday #2
Monday #3
Monday #4
Friday
Saturday
Pre-Monday
Finishing a book is like saying goodbye to an old friend. Finishing a show you binge-watched is like staggering out of a motel where you’ve been holed up for 24 hours with someone you met while trying to score crack.
Why do we say “used to” for “accustomed to”?
“I’m used to it.” Yoost to. Yoozed to.
Where do surfers learn to surf?
At boarding school.
Gordon Ramsay: this is absolute garbage
Raccoon Line Cook: thank you chef
it’s a beautiful day. I step into the sunlight, warm on my skin. wow it’s actually really hot. questioning my choice to wear a black shirt. damn it’s sweltering and humid too. I’m pouring sweat. all I’ve had is black coffee. oh my god this shirt is 87% polyester call an ambulance
It’s been 5 days since the last full moon. If you’re still trapped as a werewolf it’s time to see your doctor or veterinarian.
The package says “Do not eat raw cookie dough” but all I really see is “Pillsbury hates you and doesn’t want you to be happy.”
Italian mafia fugitive caught after posting cooking show on YouTube
My daughter put on a princess dress and asked if I had any “play pretend” outfits so I put on workout clothes.
(Sigh) I thought “The Scarlet Letter” was a book about red stationery….
Becoming a parent changes your whole life.
One change I was not expecting was that whenever I sit down, I release a hormone only my child can detect that causes him to ask me for something.
I learned two things today:
1) my mother-in-law is coming over for dinner
2) it takes me 1 hour 47 minutes to get home from work in idle
I’m not gonna wear uggs or crocs or any other shoe that sounds like a noise my body makes involuntarily.
The scariest room in a haunted house would be filled with people you haven’t seen since high school asking what you’ve been up to these days
One time I went on the Hulk rollercoaster and had maybe the best picture ever taken of me
when you wait until you’re practically crowning to take a pregnancy test
