‘this never happened to me so it probably never happened’
– idiots
You Might Also Like
What do you want to be when you grow up?
other kids: firefighter, doctor, scientist…
my 9yo: I’m gonna sell my Pokémon cards on the streets of New York.
*guy shows me his Chinese character tattoo*
“It means wisdom”*I show him a Batman BandAid on my arm*
“It means I was brave at the doctor”
Friend: How could lingerie ruin a romantic night?
Me: He fell asleep waiting for me to put it on. Never buy lingerie at IKEA.
That’s it.I’m out.
Boy, did The Shining nail what it’s like being an only child.
“I want to put a baby in you,” I whisper to the microwave over the sound of the infant crying next door.
*giving my sister parenting advice*
Me: So, you lift them like this.
Sister: Okay.
M: Then, scream into it. Now you try.
S: [picks up pillow]
Sci-Fi Author: In my book I invented the Torment Nexus as a cautionary tale
Tech Company: At long last, we have created the Torment Nexus from classic sci-fi novel Don’t Create The Torment Nexus
Wife: It’s sweltering in here. We need to get the AC fixed.
Me: Look at this gif, it’ll cool you down.
Wife: I forget, did you want to be buried or cremated?
[quarters & nickels rain from the sky]
Me: what is this
Climate: change
Me refusing to admit that my favourite shirt is a bit too tight now
My mom used to feed me soap as a reward for saying bad words.
Siri, tell me what these manicure ladies are saying about me.
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
Crush: what u up to
Me: about to take a shower and listen to music
Crush: nice, what kind
Me: *nervously* one with water
[Creation]
God:*creates single-cell life form* “Wahoo!”
*cell divides*
God:”What the-”
*cells divide again*
God:”Oh shi-“
Her, 4: I want a baby! New baby sister? Or brother?
Me: We can’t have another baby. You would need a new daddy for mommy to have another baby
Her: New cat?
I have an inferiority complex about my superiority complex.
I know I’m better than you, but I feel really bad about it.
Your yearly reminder that if you’re mad at what happens to Emma Thompson in Love Actually you can watch Die Hard after and he gets what he deserves
John Wick: contract killer
John Wink: lady killer 😉
The algorithm is predicting some tough times ahead for ya boy
[on the 7th day]
dodo bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?
god: yeah totally harmless little dude
dodo: *watching adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?
god: *biting into a kitkat* sure thing buddy
What if all those coins you keep finding in your couch is rent money from the spiders living in your house?
I painted a hot chick with big jugs
An episode of Unsolved mysteries, but it’s just parenting a teenaged boy and trying to figure out why you’re out of moisturizer again.
I’ve never been held hostage but I’ve been on a group text.
[First day as a Waiter]
Customer: Waiter, my fish has glass in it.
Me: Probably what killed it.
You should be able to google why a couple broke up
Hey chicks who wear a buttload of make-up. Don’t borrow someone else’s iPhone to make a call. You leave half of your face on the screen.