Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I like my women like I like my glasses: thick, transparent, and uneven

I miss going to weddings just to bring home the centerpieces.

Seriously you guys, the only reason to check Facebook, is to find out where people are going, and then go somewhere else.

Husband’s at Costco and sending me pics of beef stroganoff in a pouch. That’s enough excitement for one night.

taking lessons in close up magic so when my kids are teenagers I can “impress” all their friends

One thing that bothers me about vampire novels is that vampires are essentially just very old people. They should act like it.

I want to see a sexy vampire who looks like they’re in their 20’s go on a rant about Woodrow Wilson while chewing hard candies.

Don’t be alarmed when you’re knocking on the Gates of hell and the devil doesn’t answer….He is dealing with me.

Vin Diesel eats two meals a day:

1) Breakfast

2) Breakfurious

If you poop your pants while fishing, is it still called a boating accident? And can you claim it against insurance?

new challenge called “don’t say ‘woow it’s already dark by five these days’ for the rest of winter” challenge

Him: Can I have a bite of your dessert?

Me: I think we should see other people.

Dogs are your best friend unless you’re playing hide and seek – they will sell you out.

9am: Very busy day today, I need to focus & stay off the internet

1pm: did you know that Texas has the largest population of prairie dogs?

In alcohol’s defense, i’ve done some pretty dumb shit while completely sober too.

Was standing in my front yard this evening and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.

When algebra teachers retire, how do they deal with the aftermath?

I only say “I love you” to

1. Family
2. Lifelong Friends
3. Dogs that I met 3.5 seconds ago.

Sorry I’m breaking up with you but you have terrible taste in women

Amazon: WARNING! This product will arrive after Christmas!!!
⠀
Me: Calm down Amazon, it’s just paper towels

I’d be safe working at Boeing (I’m not blowing anything these days)

Me: I’m sad my favorite beef jerky has been making my stomach hurt.

Husband: Maybe you shouldn’t eat the whole bag.

Me: No one asked you.

ME: [slowly heating water containing frog]
WIFE: what are you doing!
ME: [adding bubble bath] Ribbit Downey Jr had a stressful day

I only had one piece of pizza at dinner tonight. One huge round piece.

Autocorrect changed swab to swan and now my covid test is way more complicated. And dangerous.

MOM: Your father was abducted by aliens last night.

ME: [about to adjust thermostat] Oh no.

[meanwhile in ufo]

ALIEN: What do you mean we have to turn around?

DAD: Somethings wrong I can’t explain it.

Her: You had a whole bottle of wine and a full bag of jalapeño popper cheese curls??
Me: It’s self-care, so that makes it healthy.

Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.

If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.

My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.

I said it must be my weekend immune system.

100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.

I wonder if my dog gets embarrassed when I give him kisses in front of other dogs at the park.