Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My son asked me why there’s so many wine bottles in the our recycling bin lately. I gave him twenty bucks and he walked away.

Parenting is easy

Thanks to everyone who said nothing while I walked around with my zipper down all morning.

My wife asked me about the Oxford comma and now she wants me to go back to my usual brooding silence.

Instead of asking pregnant friends if they know the baby’s gender, I ask if they know the species, that way I don’t have to worry about being invited to the baby shower

When I see people running to catch the elevator I’m on I yell “HURRY! YOU GOTTA SMELL THIS!”.

I wash my whites separately but what do I do with the shirt I was wearing while eating spaghetti.

Me: I’m so happy that gyms have reopened. I’ll do whatever it takes to get in back in shape

Trainer: That’s great! Let’s start with…

Me: Snacks?

i enjoy video games because they let me live out my wildest fantasies, like being assigned a task and then completing that task

My mum needs to stop using all the blenders for stew.. It’s pissing me off having spicy Oreo milkshake

Him: drink?
Me: I have a boyfriend
Him: I have a goldfish
Me: What???
Him: I thought we were talking about shit that don’t matter

I hit my daily fruit intake yesterday by eating all the fruit garnishments in and on my drinks

*puts on Rocky theme music*
*cracks neck*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches*
*jogs in place*
*picks up phone to call mom*

*Bar fight*

Friend: you go high, I’ll go low.

Me: Ok.

*friend tackles guy at waist*

*me, singing falsetto*

The check engine light came on inside my oven.

Isn’t that the name of the guy that played Sherlock Holmes?

People said I was wasting my time playing Tetris, but here I am, loading the dishwasher like a beast.

i like the idea of hauntings being a common yet minor inconvenience

My husband and I moved a heavy piece of furniture last night and I’d like to apologize to our kid’s teachers for their new language skills

Bae: Come over.
Romeo: Can’t. You’re a Capulet, I’m a Montague.
Bae: Deny thy father and refuse thy name; come over.
Romeo: Also, you’re 13.

[abruptly stops speaking in tongues] Oh the exorcism is for ME?

Sometimes, I feel like doing high five on their face

A faucet is just a vertical treadmill for a tiny jesus

God: you’re a jellyfish.

Jellyfish: nice.

God: you have no bones.

Jellyfish: ok.

God: and no brain.

Jellyfish: oh.

God: you’re like 95% water and 5% venom.

Jellyfish:

God: you’re H2OhNo lol.

I told my waiter the same thing i told my plastic surgeon. Give me chicken breasts.

Sorry to text you so late but can your dog come over?

Me: what do you want for lunch?

3yo: a pickle.

Me: a pickle is not a meal.

3yo: two pickles.

[normal life]
ive worn the same shirt everyday for a week
[packing for vacation]
hmmm. i’ll prob change a few times a day so thats…32 shirts

Robert Downey Jr. will always be my hero, not because of Iron Man, but because he broke into someone’s home just to take a nap.

{first day in prison}

Inmate 1: Whatcha in for?
Inmate 2: Armed Robbery
Inmate 3: Carjacking
Me: I tried using TurboTax to do my own taxes.

Hey Pringles, It’s time to widen the can. Your core demographic isn’t exactly thin-wristed. Thank you!