This new diet is awesome: I can eat all the donuts I want and die happy.
You Might Also Like
“Dreadfully mediocre.”
“Astonishing lack of imagination.”
“Your child peaked at age 5.”
– why my friends no longer invite me to school plays
[to the two wolves inside me]
do you need to go outside and go potty
My wife is going to the hair salon today so for the next few hours I will be practising my reaction.
Female praying mantises bite the heads off males while mating, so if your mantis boyfriend shows up without a head, he was cheating on you.
In space, no one can hear you scream. Because it’s space, and everyone is on the ground. What are you even doing up there?
Sometimes, when I need a really good night’s sleep, I call my burrito guy to come over and tuck me in
Remember kids, if you’re driving in the snow and start skidding, turn into the direction of the cheapest car.
*robbing a bank with a chainsaw*
Me: GIVE ME ALL Y-
Teller: WHAT
M: GIVE ME THE MONEY
T: SIR YOU CAN’T HAVE THAT IN HERE
M: WHAT
Now I can’t wear my nude crystal dress this weekend.
Thanks, Rihanna.
Had to quit my Uber Eats job, turns out they keep track of how many orders you report “flew out the window,” and “all of them” is too many.
90s scientists: we cloned a sheep. we landed a robot on mars.
Scientists today: for the last time, the earth is round.
When something is boring we shouldn’t call it vanilla. Vanilla is a rich and complex flavor. When something is boring should call it “red velvet.”
[me, from cold stone] launch the missiles
Top Seven Things Men Don’t See Coming:
7. Plot twists
6. Police cruiser
5. Love
4. Trash day
3. Health issues
2. Her reaction
1. That
3:27 am is a fine time to walk around on someone’s back
– my cat
FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.
Girlfriend – “ARE YOU SERIOUSLY DOING THE MONSTER MASH WHILE WE’RE HAVING SEX???”
Me [doing what is clearly a graveyard smash] “…no”
Me: *tries to knock 1st kite out of tree using 2nd kite*
*gets 2nd kite stuck in tree*
Genie: please don’t w-
Me: I wish for a third kite
Me: *wakes up to pee at 4:30*
My brain: Oh good, you’re awake!
me: [to woman next to me] blow on it for luck
craps dealer: no soup at the table
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: *is asleep
Netflix: why are you like this
Chinese military tactics are pure genius.
*admires David at the museum* I can’t believe a teenage mutant ninja turtle sculpted this
GOD: let’s give them sinus cavities that fill up with snot and make their face hurt
ANGEL: all the time?
GOD: no just when they’re sick and also when they try to enjoy nice things like flowers and outside
ANGEL: why?
GOD: you keep saying that word
*accidentally answers phone call*
*pretends to be answering machine*
Some early signs you’re growing up:
1. Checking expiration dates
2. Reading before signing
3. Preemptive pee before going anywhere
At Walmart during the holidays like..
MIND BLOWING SCIENCE FACT: 20% of all car crashes are actually battles between the Autobots and the Decepticons.
Wife: You have no friends
Me: Of course I do
Wife: Family, Neighbors, Coworkers and those Twitter people don’t count.
Me: 🤔