Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Life is a highway: Too many cars, not enough bathrooms

“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:

MOM: Would you like some spaghetti before your big rap battle, sweetie?

EMINEM: That sounds wonderful, thanks Mom

Girl Scout Samoa cookies are my favorite. But they gotta do something about that single serving size box.

Sheryl Crow: This ain’t no disco. This ain’t no country club either.

Sheryl Crow – The world’s worst archaeologist.

You have advice? For me? I have a $5 Starbucks gift card that’s older than you.

We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.

I’m sure I would have won that werewolf impersonation contest, if only the judges had survived.

If you love someone let them go, if they come back without donuts let them go again.

Me: *sigh* I’ve had so many shellfish lovers

Doctor: You mean selfish?

[30 crabs come out of my pants]

Doctor: Haha here’s some cream

the woman at the tire store told me today to “come back in a week and get my nuts re-torqued”, without even a hint of a smile on her face

I told my husband that our toddler won’t eat tomatoes and he asked why not, as if toddlers are normal human beings

My parents bought us candy cigarettes for my 11th birthday party. The store was out of candy syringes.

A cute thing I tell my kids when we see a dead deer on the side of the road is, “Looks like Santa lost his temper again.”

Birdwatcher? I’m more of a bird ogler. A pair of nesting cardinals filed a restraining order against me in ‘07.

Me: “I need big girl clothes.”

Him: “You haven’t gained that much.”

Me: “I meant adult clothes for work.”

Him: “Does the couch pull out?”

If I had a dollar for every time I messed something up at work, I’d be salaried and at my current level of compensation

I’m so used to sleeping on my right side that if I switch to my left, my insides feel like a room full of furniture trying to violently escape a haunted house.

I don’t think humans are capable of sounding more disgusting than when they are being rude to their mothers or singing along to Mariah Carey

Imagine the shock of seeing her in RL with her average sized eyeballs and no antlers…

Me: Go get everyone for dinner please

6: (SCREAMS) EVERYBODY DINNER!

Me: I meant go walk and get them

6: But I like using my mommy voice

Me:

6: The screaming

Me: I got it

Today and my dermatologist husband stopped a European man buying sunscreen, saying “I’m not trying to be weird, but that is not the sunscreen for you. I’m a dermatologist.” This man ended up picking out what husband recommended and said “you have great skin so I must trust you.”

What’s that movie about the girl who forgets Adam Sandler every day? I want to know her secret

“I’m liking where this is going” I said, pointing to a potato chip making its way toward my face.

just took 3 times my normal dose of adderall finally gonna get to the bottom of this whole amelia earhart thing

[sloth wedding]

“I”

[six months later]

“do.”

[Enter password: ] MyPeeeeeeeeenis
[Error: password too long]
*high fives my laptop right off the desk*

Captain: Did you break the sonar again?

Me: Yessir. I’m sorry

Captain: This is why we can’t have nice pings

“I’m frying some fish for supper, so yall come over & eat” is what I said.
“You’re also gonna be helping me move my piano” is what I meant.