Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I dropped my phone in the toilet

Wife: Have you tried rice?

Me: *deep sigh* Of course, but this isn’t the time for a snack, Linda

Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: Could a drunk person do this? *I just piss my pants*
Cop: WOW. Yes actually.
Me: That was supposed to be a backflip

10 likes this girl so I’m going to teach him everything I know about women long story short we’re getting our bikes to ride around her house

What is so attractive about milk and honey that you would wanna wash your hands with it?

If you’re ever wondering if you and your spouse are on the same page fold a large blanket together. You’ll have your answer quickly.

Boss: Thank you for paying attention for this five hour meeting, I really appreciate your focus

Me: *still wondering when it’s the perfect time to tell him he has a booger in his nose* no problem

Walk up to a girl, sniff her hair, and whisper “Perfect. Master will love you.” This is a great way to increase your tolerance to Mace…

I would describe most of my social interactions at parties as “when you turn on the kitchen faucet and the water hits a spoon in the sink”

[Giving my eulogy]
GIRLFRIEND: He was beloved for his many funny tweets, such as,
*Scrolling*

*Scrolling*

*Scrolling*

*Very slight chuckle*

*Scrolling*

Okay I actually don’t see any I like but he talked about it a lot, so I assume he was good.

I feel for my kids because for the rest of their lives, when they complain about anything, I’m gonna respond with: you think that’s bad, you should try raising children during a pandemic

Carrot raisin salad. When you want to eat something horrible, 3 times.

Think I nailed my job interview today because I wore a graduation cap to make it look like I graduated high school

“Are… are you sure you know what an elephant looks like?“
“Of course, why do you ask?“

No one ever prepares you for the moment you find out the song you really like is Justin Bieber.

[Outside liquor store]

Underage kid: Hey mister, can you buy me some beer?

Me: Sure, if you show me how stories on Instagram work I’ll buy you black tar heroin.

There were a lot of tears when I dropped my kid back to school today. I think it’s really unprofessional when his teacher cries in front of us.

Might make a living will because I don’t want my family deciding whether to pull the plug. My dad has a long history of being against wasting electricity.

I get more sympathy when I say that I don’t have a Costco near me than when I say someone died

It would have been cool to see the discovery of salt. “This food tastes bland. Let’s see if I can improve it by adding some rocks.”

Killer: come out come out wherever you are

Me: *hiding*

Killer: omg what a cute puppy!

Me: *jumps out* i wanna see the pup…oh man

When he says he likes your personality but he hasn’t met them all.

celebrating pi day by not knowing when to stop

Me: Why aren’t you smiling in your school picture?
Child: Because I’m at school.
Me: So?
Child: Can I see your work ID?
Me: OK never mind I get it.

Newlyweds: Our love will be strong & unapologetic

[3 months later]

Him: How many bottles of shampoo do you need?
Her: I fake it every time

My phone battery dies faster than a black guy in a horror movie.

“Your colon will thank you”

Me: I don’t like it when my colon talks to me

I don’t get laid on Saturdays. The last two words were unnecessary.

Me: I snuck in my own candy and a drink
Her: This is a funeral home
Me: Without a snack bar

Just a few more pieces of cake and I will be the world’s most sarcastic pillow.