Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

sir, my pâté if you please

[ordering Indian food]

them: thank you for calling Chutneys, what would-

me: I’m white

them: say no more, where would you like your butter chicken and garlic naan delivered?

[Santa installing fog lamps on the front of his sleigh]

Rudolph: what’s that Santa?

Santa: oh it’s nothing venison

Rudolph: what?

Santa: I meant son….nothing son

Had a dream I was in Japan with Draco Malfoy and he asked if I wanted a cookie and I said no and he was all, “my father will hear about this”

a designated hitter in baseball is the one who has to hit for everyone in case the team is drunk

I’ve had like 6 red bulls, so of course I’m vacuuming the front yard.

teach a man to fish and fish will hate him forever.

A Tinder app, only you hook up with the best buffets in your town

Good news class—you are exactly 9 years old, so from here on out, we’ll exclusively be reading books where the dog dies.

I asked 4 how school was and she said Mrs Dixon was cross bc Freya ate her cookie before her macaroni cheese so Freya told Mrs Dixon it was hard to look at the cookie sitting there and not eat it and tbh this time Freya has my full support

I didn’t spend 8 years designing this hotel so I could listen to a bunch of touristy complaints about the small cameras inside the toilets.

WIFE: Stop spending all our money
ME: Okay, fine
[later]
WIFE: *visibly angry* WTF?
ME: *zooming by on a new Segway* RELAX KAREN, I STOLE IT

Thanks for pointing out that I misspelled a word that I completely made up.

I stand incorrected.

[commandos infiltrating enemy fortress]

COMMANDO 1: uh oh, we’ve got company!

COMMANDO 2: damn *opens wine and begins to set table*

*wears a clown mask hitchhiking*

Why’s nobody stopping, everyone loves clowns, right?

I just want someone to look at me the way my dog looks at a dishwasher full of dirty dishes.

My 7YO was coloring in her room on her desk, now I’m wiping off the paint from every part of the house

starting my period on election day because i’m a true patriot who bleeds for this country

me as a kidnapper sending my second ransom letter when I haven’t gotten a response yet to my first one: hi all! just following up

When I punish my future kids I wont just take their phone I’m gonna be them on social media & just comment “nice” on everyones old pool pics

texted a girl “what are you up to” a week ago and she has yet to respond. can’t believe she’s thinking this hard about it lol it’s a simple question. honestly i might just ghost her

Shoutout to professions in fantasy stories that have ominous, threatening, badass names.
To hell with job like fighter or thief. You’re a HELLBLADE. What does that mean? Duh. It means you blade hells. If there is a hell, you will blade it. They will never understand your work

Turns out you don’t need to have a large gathering to still argue about religion and politics.

I startled my dog as she was peeing on a mailbox so now the dog she was leaving a message for is only gonna get half of it

When I’m forced to visit people I don’t like I find a way to sneak their peanut butter into their fridge

So, it turns out “hey, check out this rash” isn’t a great pick-up line.

My 5-year plan is to double the number of things onto which I regularly pour alfredo sauce.

Not to brag in front of all the other moms at this swim meet, but my kid can swim in slow motion.

C’mon, when have I ever let you down? That was rhetorical, actually. Yes, that is a lot. Wow, did not expect you to bring out a chalkboard.

Son #1: Who’s your favorite kid?

Me: It doesn’t matter.

Son #2: Yeah, but who’s your favorite?

Me: Your Mom is my favorite, and I’d bury you both alive on her say-so. Remember that.