This new hand sanitizer is 99.9% effective in reminding me about all of my paper cuts.
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Hippos at the Cincinnati Zoo getting some pumpkin snacks.
On HGTV they can flip a house in a month and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
Just seen a wild goose, think I’ll chase it. Surely this will be a fruitful endeavor
[i witness a crime]
COP: we’ll need you to come down to the station and make a statement
ME: ok
[at the station]
ME: a hotdog is a sandwich
While a leaf blower is a close second, my preferred cleaner is a flamethrower.
Sure, everyone SAYS they want a painless death but when the guy shows up to give you one you start whining.
I thought I Kuwait but
then I Saudi Turkey
and my Bahrain was like
Oman I Israel Hungary
so Iran.
My sister has positioned herself as the lazy sibling and honestly I stan, no one expects anything from her. Is it too late for me to rebrand?
They say kids grow up fast but I just licked my thumb & wiped my son’s face so parents grow up fast too. I’ve already become my grandmother.
My son on the morning of his prom: “Well, it just occurred to me that I paid $130 to go to my school at night.”
HER: do u have a condom
ME: u bet [whistles]
[an eagle flies thru the window & drops off a cat]
H: holy shit
M: ya sometimes he brings cats
I don’t know where this squirrel’s husband is but he’s in deep shit
When I wear those trendy sports bras with a million straps I get stuck in them like a seagull in a six pack ring
I am writing a book about all the things I should be doing in my life.
It’s called an oughtobiography.
I’m pretty disappointed that an unknown Uncle hasn’t left me a haunted mansion and millions of dollars by now.
taking a hotdog out of the microwave and checking it with a meat thermometer then frowning and putting it back in
“this corrupt city needs a hard rain. a hard penetrating rain for a dirty city. a thrusting rain. god so deep” – from my novel Sex Rain
I like staying home, cause soon as I step outside I spend $100
[happy hour with friends discussing politics]
me: I’m going to keep my mouth shut.
alcohol: wanna bet.
The police do not like it when you slowly reveal that your attacker was a ghost. They do not appreciate storytelling or showmanship. I know this now.
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
Kinda weird that you can’t tickle yourself, but masturbation works.
My family is sound asleep on this early Saturday morning
*Starts to vacuum
I think we should send notes to our bosses like when we were in school seeing if your crush liked you but it’s “will you give me the raise I deserve check yes or no”
I remember when people just wanted to date someone with personality..but noOoo, now everyone’s gotta have multiple.
Uber driver, “You know, if they had Uber back in my day, I wouldn’t have all these DUIs.”
Me, {opens door} “I’ll just get out right here.”
The best way to break up with your vampire boyfriend is over a stake dinner.
So I adopted a bunny today ❤ everyone meet Mr. Whiskers.
“Smells fresh. Like a tropical island.”
“Ok. Now take off the blindfold! Your family’s been dead in this car for a week! We Febrezed it!”
My mom is on a road trip to Amish Country with some of my aunts.
Please help me, she’s buying me and my wife gifts.
