Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What I was supposed to teach my kid before kindergarten:
1) phonics
2) writing
3) math

What I actually taught her:
1) the dance to Thriller

Wait – if the planet is spinning faster, maybe I *didn’t* gain weight. Maybe there’s more gravity.

[Beautiful songbirds begin to dress me]
Me: I don’t want to wear that shirt today
Songbirds: We don’t care

911: What is your emergency.
M: I need to report a home invasion. This woman looks like my mother in law but she’s smiling. Please hurry.

Give a man a fish & he’ll be all “WTF are you giving me a fish for? That’s weird” Teach a man to fish & he’ll be all “Again with the fish?”

therapist: a lot of my clients are feeling that way right now

me: ok rank us

me: [dead in the morgue] *turns fan on for noise*

Me: “You kids aren’t getting any more toys until you take care of the ones you have!”

Grandma: “Here are 8,000 new toys just for existing.”

I went to get fingerprinted for my new job, and in hindsight I probably shouldn’t have been so enthusiastic when the tech asked “Have you ever been fingerprinted before?” And my reply was “Oh yeah, for SURE.”

What do you call it when everything pisses you off but you’re good at not murdering people?

I told my wife I wanted a ferret, and the very idea made her so mad that for a second I thought I had mistakenly brought home a ferret.

If you see me at the beach this weekend, that’s not me. Don’t follow me. That works here but is creepy in real life.

My pet bird bit me so I showed him a picture of a rotisserie chicken

My teen is in an outdoor class where they take the kids fishing and the catch of the day goes home with the lucky student. You can only imagine how proud I was to see my son victoriously running to the car at pickup holding up a large rubber boot

If I had an hour to live I’d spend it on a treadmill because every minute feels like an eternity and at the end I’d be happy to die

“Boo!” — cow with a cold

They should make custom Starbucks cards that say, “I wouldn’t normally be buying your coffee, but I got this gift card.”

Knitting socks for all the geese in the park, they were grateful until they got wet now I have angry geese in wet socks chasing me, this is a powerful lesson I won’t soon forget

Me: C’mon.
Dog: No.
Me: Let’s go.
Dog: No.
Me: Please?
Dog: YOU TRYING TO KILL ME?!?
Me: It’s just rain.
Dog: I already pooped in your shoe.

Them: did I tell you about [such & such] ?

Me: Yes

(No they had not)

[sharing a cold one with the fellas] It’s my turn to hold the penguin

[mom and pop shop]
Me: *sniffling* one mom please

Me: I am excited for our date tonite, I am going all out.

Her: Don’t go nuts just keep it casual.

Me:

If you need me I’ll be in the corner crying like a baby because I cleaned the house from top to bottom and then let the kids back in

Everyone is so pissed off about the birds that they neglect to notice those eight maids a-milking also came with eight cows a-shitting.

“And what do you do?”
“I play in a band”
“What’s the band called? Have I heard of it?”
“It’s called blink-182.”
“OH!! LIKE IN THAT CHAINSMOKERS SONG!”

Genie: you have three wishes
Me: I wish we never met
Genie: but then how would I grant…
Me: your problem

John: Yesterday…

Paul: All my troubles seemed so far away

George: But now it looks…

Ringo: Waterslides hurt if they aren’t wet enough

Yes I can speak a foreign language if you count when I talk about the 80s in front of my nephews.

I’m working out again in hopes that I can wear my superhero shirt in public without someone saying, “Batman really let himself go”.