This new sauté pan and I have vastly different definitions of non stick.
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Forget about my body count. The list of women who *haven’t* slept with me is really impressive
Date: I like men with a bit of mystery.
Me: I have a pancake in my wallet.
[both me and the child chasing me with a knife slow to a walk as we go by the pool]
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation and don’t have to get up.
Me: [starts learning how to juggle saucepans]
Your Honor, could we take a recess in this Zoom hearing? I need to break up a cat fight.
Vet: “I can see the head…
…here’s the neck…
…more neck…
…more neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…still more neck…
…neck…
…it’s a giraffe!”
Me: McDonald’s aren’t the only ones with a golden arch
Guy at urinal next to me:
*eats tiny amount of kale*
I AM INVINCIBLE WHO WANTS TO ARM WRESTLE
I’m teaching my boys to leave the toilet seat up so there’s no pee on it when I put it down. Everything is a lie and life is a bad dream.
My boss waters the fake plant outside my office and I let him continue doing it because it makes me laugh every single time
MY BODY: You should exercise
ME: That sounds good
MY BODY: Because it’s heathy
ME: Yeah!
MY BODY: And makes you feel good
ME: Definitely!
MY BODY: Let’s go exercise!
ME: I’m lost
Me: *sigh* I’ve had so many shellfish lovers
Doctor: You mean selfish?
[30 crabs come out of my pants]
Doctor: Haha here’s some cream
[leaving sushi restaurant]
WAITER: sayonara
ME: onara
“these edibles aint shit”
me 45 minutes later:
Candy cigarettes really use to be a thing and we really bought them and walked around like we were smokers at the tender age of 6.
You can’t keep eating people’s lunches from the break room & blaming the Taliban. A lot of what you’ve been stealing is pork for one thing.
I took a pole and found that 100% of people in the tent were angry.
I’m still angry about those Oreo Thins. I’m here waiting for TripleStuf and QuadrupleStuf and they’re all “we went the other way with it.”
Consistent as a McDonald’s ice cream machine
I just spent 15 minutes searching for my phone in my room, using my phone as a flashlight…
Kid: *spills cereal all over the floor*
My husband: Can you grab the vacuum cleaner?
Me: Sure *whistles for the dog*
I should start carrying a pool noodle in my car and randomly smack cars when stuck in traffic
Gonna say don’t look a gift horse in any orifice
[watching Boogie Nights]
age 19: OMG Rollergirl is sexy.
age 37: OMG wearing rollerskates during sex is dangerous. How is she still alive?
I love furniture from the Edward Ian period. 😂
My 5 year old memorized my phone number and I just figured out he gives it to everyone he encounters
Forgetting how to clean the dishes and shooting them with a gun
I’m at the age I don’t remember it’s my birthday but my wife makes me feel better by reminding me I’m at the age I don’t remember anything.
“Well, there’s no circle thingy with the slash through it, so I guess it’s okay.”
Traditional marriage was between a boy’s parents and a girl’s parents. And maybe some cattle.