This new sauté pan and I have vastly different definitions of non stick.
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Wife: Sarah’s husband gives her flowers EVERY day. I wish you’d do that!
Me: uh ok[next day]
Me *giving Sarah flowers* no I don’t get it either
Reading in public is so embarrassing. How thirsty are you for knowledge, bro?
Me: Someone finally made a documentary about clocks
Friend: Please don’t, please
Me: It’s about time
Ex-Friend: I’ve had it
the craziest thing about plants is like you look up “why are leaves brown” and it’s like “maybe you’re watering them too much. but also maybe not enough. maybe they’re getting too much sunlight. but also maybe they’re not getting enough sunlight. hope this helps :)”
Everybody loves a foam finger. Unless you’re sitting behind a very energetic child wearing one at a ballgame.
How much did Santa pay for his sleigh.
Nothing, it was on the house.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
The best way to avoid awkward moments with homeless people is to ask them for money before they ask you.
It’s not ‘easter’, it’s ‘more east’. So stupid.
Autocorrect changed ‘get a life’ to ‘get a wife’ and now my daughter is a lesbian.
ME: My cat isn’t overweight; she’s just big-boned
VET: This is a dog
Him: I won’t bore you with the details.
Me: Too late for that.
Me: *throwing popcorn to our toddler like a pigeon*
Wife: Stop that! Do you want more to show up?!
I needed some gas for my mower so I snuck over to my neighbor’s shed, on the gas can there was a note that said it’s empty go get your own gas Marc. So I took his mower instead.
ACCOUNTANT: So you want to write off 5000 bat-shaped boomerangs??
BATMAN, intense voice: They’re essential for my war on crime!
ACCOUNTANT: That’s fine, but claiming *boomerangs* as an *unrecoverable* business expense…
BATMAN, normal voice: Oh yeah, no, yeah, I see your point.
I think they need to come up with an explanation for these massive bat ear things other than Batman likes to pretend he’s a bat. Like there should be a scene where he explains it’s for wifi so he doesn’t use all his monthly data.
Me: *sniffing* so hell smells like pizza…
Satan: *nodding*
Me: but just to remind me that I’ll never eat pizza again…?
Satan: *beaming* isn’t it just so evil??
Me: (through tears) so creative
Angel: so what are these?
God: these are the vegetables. They contain lots of nutrients and vitamins the humans will need
Angel: wow this one tastes amazing and you can do so much with it
God: that’s a potato
Angel: it must be really good for you then
God: lol…no
Me: hahahahahaahaahahaha
Personal trainer: what’s so funny?
Me: oh man I thought you were joking about running
i will never tire of apocalypse shopping because i’m a virgo and also when the end comes i want to rub my preparation in everyone else’s faces
I know parents should inspire kids to be anything when they grow up. But my son took 1 hour to eat a banana, so competitive eating is out.
[argument w/girlfriend]
HER: you know what your problem is?
ME: no, *grabs pen and begins taking notes* but i’m about to find out
Every animal: how will we see things that are behind us?
God: just turn around
Almost every animal: ok
Owl: I absolutely will not
been hearing a lot of friends say they’re planning on avoiding the internet tomorrow. not me! it’s gonna be christmas morning for hall of fame bad posts on here. we’re talking takes so bafflingly stupid we can’t even imagine. and i need them all beamed directly into my brain.
‘Tis the season to wrap objects in colorful paper with the fine motor skills of an inebriated T-rex.
Watching Unsolved Mysteries and getting mad when they don’t solve the mystery at the end
I’m just a girl reading the news in KYIV like “Kentucky four.”
Twitter is like the tenth time you’ve opened the fridge and there still isn’t anything good in it.
Doctors say “internal bleeding” like it’s a bad thing. Blood is supposed to be internal, idiots.
Sometimes late at night, if you listen real carefully, you can hear parents removing batteries from annoying toys.
I can hear fireworks so I have to go leave a nose print on every window of my house to try to find them