This new sauté pan and I have vastly different definitions of non stick.
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Me: What the hell do you want?
Him: Um, YOU called ME.
Being an adult is bullshit. Babies get praised for being able to hold their heads up on their own like bravo your neck works, stupid baby
having a bad day today. 😔 can everyone please send cute pictures of their banking app login info.
The folks who named Good & Plenty just flat-out phoned it in.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. Don’t talk to the cashier get your shit and move on. If you need someone to talk too get a parrot
Public restrooms are weird. The guy in the stall next to me has four feet and is wearing heels on one pair.
Me: What kind of eggs do you want for breakfast? Scrambled? Fried?
4 Year Old: Chocolate
Me: You really are my child.
We haven’t seen the full damage this epidemic will cause, that will happen in about five to seven months with all of the gender reveal parties.
[snake charmer struggling to get snake to stand up] I swear this never happens
Thank God you’ve updated your status to “Finished lunch” after you first posted “Going to lunch” I really couldn’t tolerate more suspense.
The letter C should make a “ch” sound. S and K got the rest covered. Waste of prime alphabet real estate and does nothing original without help from my man H.
15 just texted me that she was on her period and needed a chocolate bar.
How absorbent could a chocolate bar even be?!
*turns on ceiling fan*
Oh shit my stamp collection
I don’t know why “you made your bed now lie in it” is a bad thing. It sounds great! I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
Making a password as a teen: dolphinsarecool
Making a password as an adult: Dolphinsarecool!2
You can’t begin to imagine what an intolerable burden it is to be cursed with this staggeringly poignant flair for the melodramatic
I understand the beautiful part, Cover Girl. But isn’t “easy breezy” just another way to say “slutty and flatulent?”
Eric Trump said the Syria strike was swayed by a “heartbroken” Ivanka. He also pouted that dad has never bombed a country for him.
When a pig loses his leg, wouldn’t it be a hamputation?
BRUCE WAYNE: [enters meeting room still wearing Batman cape] what’s first today?
NEW GUY: OMG Bruce Wayne is Bat-
INTERN: [covering new guy’s mouth] we pretend we don’t know
Sometimes I think about when I told my 10 year old he could be like me when he grew up because I was trying to be cool and he said YAY, I GET TO LAY ON A HEATING PAD ALL DAY
animal planet had a show called “the most extreme” where they would do lists of animals. they did an episode on the deadliest animals. i was ten years old when i watched this episode and i cannot tell you how pissed off i was when they revealed that number one was “mosquito”.
Someone tweeted today that they were “29-ish” and I didn’t know you could “ish” 15 years.
Ants can lift 20 times their bodyweight which is really helpful if you ever need help moving a single blade of grass.
good cop: we’ve located the explosives
cop who loves eminem: now this looks like a bomb to me so everybody / stay calm for me
Me: hi can I file for an exten—-
My accountant: already done we figured lol
What if Cookie Monster was censored and this whole time he has been talking about boobies instead of cookies?
*deletes my ex’s phone number*
k, weigh me now.
How many pans of brownies eaten gets me the Girl Scout badge for gluttony?
Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.