Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Funny because it’s true. 🤣

Divorce court is like regular court except the judge sentences you to freedom.

A bridesmaid, but to carry the end of my CVS receipt.

[interrogation]
“Where were you on the night of the 5th?”
“Dealing drugs.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“Healing pugs. I’m a pug vet.”

I told my husband last night that I have a lot of hobbies but I’m not very good at any of them, “like cooking for example” and this man, whom I have fed every single day for 10 years, had the audacity to respond “but there are other hobbies you are good at.”

Only Christopher Walken can get away with saying stuff like you wanted to chance at the dance but you forgot your pants.

1. Ghosts are see-through
2. Windows are see-through
3. Ghosts are windows

People say you can’t avoid death but I’ve been doing it all my life.

Where’s the hole?
*feels for it*
*tries to stick it in*
*misses*
Damn it! Wrong hole.
*fingers it*
*slides it in*

– Me, plugging in my charger in the dark.

[1800s]

Guy who hates kids: Create for me something children will love, but then it abandons them, or dies a slow, withering death, or vanishes with a terrifying gunshot noise

Francis H. Balloon: Here’s a thought

worst place to be stung by bees is the club bc it just looks like you’re doing cool dance moves & sure u win the dance off but at what cost

*CAN’T OPEN THE PICKLE JAR*
SHERLOCK: (suspiciously) Moriarty…

I’m nobody’s type until they need blood or an organ

Why do paintings of Adam and Eve show them with belly buttons?

Sure sex is great, but have you said that perfect comeback at the exact best time instead of thinking about it two weeks later in the shower?

“At least Donald Trump says what he thinks.”

Ah yes if only all racists would shout about it constantly the world would be a better place.

Wife: I find him very patronising.

Me: That means she thinks I talk down to her.

Marriage counsellor: I don’t normally take sides but you should leave him.

I was gonna make a run for the border, but I remembered I’m in Canada so nah

BEYONCE: do u like my album
JAY: [thinking to self] if anyone hears this i’ll be ruined
JAY: [out loud] we should make it a tidal exclusive

My 3yo was giving me a checkup and put the stethoscope on my stomach. She asked if I could hear the heartbeat, and I just got up and left. Heartbeat in my stomach? Smh ain’t nobody got time for that.

I ain’t never seen a alligator so happy to be getting a toothbrush bath 😭

Cop: I have bad news. It’s your son. You need to come down to the mortuary

Mom: But…how?

Cop: Maybe get a cab?

There are 2 words that have opened a lot of doors for me in my life.

Push and Pull.

Sometimes a joke is a great way to break tension during an unpleasant situation, and lately, I’ve also been discovering all the other times when it absolutely is not.

Introverts are just extroverts who have realized that most people suck.

do you think when firefighters blow out their birthday candles it’s just like more work to them

ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!

DETECTIVE: Where were you the night of murder?

Me: finally drifting off to sleep

The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this

Gave money to a homeless man. A stranger lectured me on how he’s just going to spend it on drugs and alcohol..

Yeah, OK. Like I wasn’t.

In fifth grade, we were supposed to write a story about an antihero but I was only half-listening so I wrote a 6 page story about an ant who helped people quit smoking and my teacher sent me to the school psychologist.