Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My girlfriend told me she loved me and wanted to marry me so I shot her in self defense.

Me: You just had a bath, please stay clean

My 4-year-old:

Me: I’ll never get married again!

Husband:

[DATE]

ME: I’m a literature buff

HER: who do you read?

ME: read?

*cut to me bench pressing like 70 copies of The Great Gatsby*

Kids: [not eating their chicken Alfredo I made them]

me: eat!

7: it’s not fair

10: yea

me: [eating a giant donut for dinner] what? IM AN ADULT.

5: poop head daddy.

“The other day” -me referring to the year 2017

H: I’m going to fix our washer myself.

M: Okay, I’m going to Lowe’s to pick out our new washer.

REVOLUTION HAS BEGUN!!!

I just got super defensive to my phone when i was cheating on the times crossword
I was like “hey! Maybe i just wanted to know who the protagonist of clan of the cave was for an entirely different reason!”

Never mistake my kindness for weakness. Never mistake my silence for approval. And never, ever, mistake my appetizer for a sharing platter.

… Eau DeTroit …

#RejectedPerfumeNames

If I learned anything in college, it’s that pepper spray only stings for a couple hours.

We’re in the exact point of climate change as when wile e. coyote runs off the cliff but hasn’t looked down yet

If you didn’t want me to object to this wedding maybe you shouldn’t have had a cash bar

Well, we made it 9 years, but it finally happened. Every parents’ nightmare. In the middle of the night our daughter caught us in the act, right there on the couch. Eating ice cream.

Here to help

should i airdrop this to the person in the voting booth next to me

when the solution to your problem doesn’t exist on stack overflow:

one time I saw a doc RUNNING in the hospital and I was like omg what’s the emergency and they were like DIARRHEA and I was like omg who and they were like ME

Sometimes I remember the child who approached my counter in the video shop, fell over and disappeared from view, pulled himself back up and said “this cat food’s weighing me down, man” before proceeding to pull five tins of whiskas out of his pockets

“When I tell you that it’s time to get out of the pool, it means that it’s time to get out of the pool.”

It’s not a hangover. It’s wine flu.

In what room do you guys hang the portrait of yourself as a centaur? I was thinking kitchen. The bedroom is kinda cliche

When my girl pisses me off, I steal the last page out of the book she’s reading.

not saying kids are creepy but my baby just offered me a bite of the teething cracker she was eating, i pretended to take a bite, she laughed, and then she turned to the other side and did the exact same thing to thin air

Headed to police station to go through mugshots for a date tonight. I don’t trust ChristianMingle.

*at party*

Guy: Want to dance?

Me: I’m sorry but I cannot, in good conscience, leave this cheese ball unattended.

“You’ll hear from my lawyer”
-boring
-overplayed
-probably a tax attorney

“Trish is going to be f*****g livid”
-intimidating
-who is trish
-what have we done

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