This new thesaurus isn’t just terrible, it’s also terrible.
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[roleplaying]
her: this is weird
me: [dressed as lumiere from beauty and the beast] say “i’ve been burned by you before”
her: [dressed as the feather duster] no
I was going to give up coffee for Lent, but then I remembered I’m not Catholic.
Cop: Are you drunk or high on drugs? Me: No officer. Cop: Your pupils are dilated. Me: (Paranoid) WHA!, how’d you know I teach fat kids?!
Vader: “I am your father.”
Luke: “I am your father.”
Vader: “Stop copying me.”
Luke: “Stop copying me.”
Vader: “Shut up.”
Luke: “Shut up.”
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
[first day of zoology class]
me: what fighting style do geese use?
professor: excuse me?
me: pandas use kung fu, what about geese
professor: i don’t think-
me: tae swan do
Me: am I pretty?
Cat: I mean compared to what?
Me: never mind
I blame Johnny Bravo for my body image issues
They want us to stay current with our training, yet the training videos show people using BlackBerries.
Sorry Im late, I saw that Spongebob episode where he’s a lifeguard but cant swim, even though they live underwater & now my brain is leaking
6-year-old: You lose.
Me: I didn’t know we were playing anything.
6: That was your first mistake.
My 3-year-old dumped pudding in her pocket.
Novice dad reaction: “You ruined your pants.”
Veteran dad: “Thank God. I thought it was poop.”
Nobody suspects that you’re digging a grave when you’re always working on your landscape.
Sorry, I can’t be around you today.
The temptation to smack you in the face is just too great.
google just released their AI and all I’m going to say is that ur jobs are safe
Cilantro tastes like soap.
– People who eat soap, apparently
The people at this winery are acting like they’ve never seen someone pull a rotisserie chicken out of a purse before.
Nothing prepared me for the part of adulthood where you look like a baby deer learning to walk every time you get out of bed in the morning.
I was an only child but still refer to myself as the good-looking one.
if you want to follow me on mastodon it’s really easy, my gimble is chingus. Just type in bibbo into your gumblebox and then when the window pops up select your garpos and dangles and you’re halfway there. It only takes a second.
holiday horror movie idea: you have 10 days to complete a completely reasonable task that takes 20 minutes to do
Let’s take a family bike ride in this beautiful weather so the kids can complain about family, bike rides, and beautiful weather that has no wifi.
Wrote a song and it goes a little something like this… Who put maple syrup on the caaaaat?
Oi, Sheeran, I just sang my wife “I’m in love with the shape of you” and her response was “and what shape would THAT be?!”. I’m in so much shit. Thanks for nothing, pal
We’ve been so worried about my 95-y-o grandmother at a retirement home in New Orleans and she called today to say they ran out of Tito’s vodka and could we ship her some.
Me: I’m sorry, this toilet isn’t flushing.
Home Depot employee: …
Times are tough, my daughter just repossessed a paper airplane she made me, over a quarter I owed her from yesterday
Lawrence starts cooking
Lawrence checks Twitter
Lawrence smells smoke
Lawrence Fishburne