This new thesaurus isn’t just terrible, it’s also terrible.
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Living your life to the fullest does not have to involve selfies with bison.
Should we be concerned about where Home Depot keeps getting these 12 foot skeletons?
I can only listen to Russian classical music after drinking creamy tea too fast.
The chai cough’s key
Nothing in my life has made me more insecure than the amount of scam emails I get claiming I’ve won an Oral B toothbrush. Is this now my worth? A mere toothbrush? I used to correspond with Nigerian Princes
With the right amount of pressure I can make my forehead look like a brain – could be useful
teacher: your son said you threatened to beat him?
me: at checkers!
teacher: and forced him to sleep outside?
me: we went camping!
teacher: and made up his peanut allergy so he couldn’t share your snickers?
me: yeah, that one I did
Autocorrect doesn’t recognize my gangsta nature.
Duck typos.
me: i trained my cat to talk
her: let’s see
me: name an object pronoun
cat: me-
me: what do i say when i’m hurt
cat: -ow
her: this sucks
me: just wait
cat: we’re just getting started Linda
My kid told me the book we were reading was fiction, and the reason he knows that is because dragons don’t eat tacos, they eat meat
Being attacked by a shark is frightening enough…
But it’s even more terrifying when you notice he also has a big cold sore on his lip.
Me: Why is there a rolling chair in the kitchen?
Husband: Well, I know you injured your leg.
Me: And?
Husband: And I thought it would be easier for you to cook dinner.
My license has hair and eye color listed as “BRO” and I’m like… 😎 I know right.
[working at a candle factory, day four]
ME: we’re all gonna have another meltdown amirite wait where is everyone going
Two things I have learned at the beach:
1. Surfers are some of the nicest humans on the planet
2. Pelicans are the honey badgers of the bird world. If you’re standing next to a fish in the ocean, they don’t care one bit. They’ll dive & splash one foot from you & eat that fish.
My superpower is acting like I’m trying to stop the elevator from shutting when more people are trying to get on without really stopping it.
(pointing at TV) That’s Homer, he’s sort of the ringleader. The hierarchy is actually not super clear but it seems like he and the woman grew the smaller ones somehow
An unexpected perk of having pets is when the cat throws up on the couch; the dog jumps in to handle the cleanup.
WIFE: I regret getting you that blender for Christmas.
ME: {drinking toast} Why?
I may not be perfect, but at least my cat loves m—oh he’s just hungry nvm
doctor: i’m sorry [consoling my family] he’s going to live
*Wins Lifetime ACheeseMent Award
Me: Oh my Gouda, I can’t Brie-lieve this…
me: [texting] hey sorry but my powerful enemy just said “seize him” to all his underlings
boss: what time can you be here
me: i dunno man they’re seizing me like right now
boss: we’re short staffed today
me: i’m getting seized
[Clinic waiting room]
Me: WHEN DO WE DO BUTT STUFF??!
Nurse: Sir don’t shout that!
Me: [whispering to old lady next to me] butt stuff. when?
Wearing a mask had been helpful as I’ve forgotten where I packed my nose hair trimmer.
What did one elevator say to another?
Am gonna level with you
No One Puts Baby in the Corner: A Feng Shui Guide to Nurseries
My son forged my signature on a note from his teacher. I’m his teacher.
Her: I love a tough guy
Me: I’ve got some scars
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born.
All amusement parks are abandoned amusement parks right now. The Scooby Doo crew must be overwhelmed.