This nice guy next to me on the flight just offered to switch seats so I could sit next to my family.
“Oh they paid extra to have someone sit in between us so they don’t have to be near me.”
I’m pretty sure he didn’t realize it was a joke, and the flight is really tense now.
No thanks, heavy metal concert. If I want lots of screaming without understanding the words I’ll just hang out with my toddler.
My cat has taught me that an 80:20 ratio of sleep to physical activity is really the way to go
I listen to your prayers, but only to correct their grammar.
horses don’t know when they’re acting in a period drama. they just woke up one day and all their friends showed up in stupid outfits.
*me in the shower*
My 2yo: Mommy I put your phone back don’t worry. I won’t do it again.
Me: WHAT!
People act all namby-pamby while dating, then wonder why divorce rates are so high. Stop chatting about the weather and start asking the real questions, people. How do you feel about lace curtains? Will you cheat on me if I let myself go? Do you check your brake lines regularly?
[to the person sitting next to me at the movie theatre] you here for the movie?
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were hereDomino’s : we said 30 min or less
Opened my notes app and instead of finding MY notes, which I’ve saved on each iPhone I’ve had since 2017, I found SOMEONE ELSE’S NOTES.
These mystery notes include three local numbers, a password, and a SSN… Among less savory things.
BUT WHERE IS MY FINNISH NISSU BREAD RECIPE
When a patron comes into the library the Saturday after Thanksgiving and asks “What’s the right way to cook a turkey,” I know I’m being asked not to provide practical information but rather to get involved in a heated family dispute
I wouldn’t call it ‘passive aggressive’, but I do send the glitter Christmas cards to the people who annoy me.
Plucked an unruly wiry white hair from my head and then missed it instantly 😔
A new study says eating sugar will kill you and was conducted by the No Shit Sherlock Research Institute.
Said hello to someone, they didn’t hear me, immediately assumed it was some sort of sixth sense situation
oh shoot the farmers market was out of cocoa krispies and actually ‘never had them’ and they ‘don’t think I understand what a farmers market is’
When people don’t say thank you for my holding a door open for them, it’s not a big deal. I simply run ahead to the next door they’re about to go through and tightly hold it shut.
My kids said parenting is easy so I let them put the toddlers socks and shoes on and now everyone is crying.
{playing Hide & Go Seek}
Me:*hides in pantry
Kids: ready or not here we come!
Me: *quietly opens bag of Cheetos
Kids: He’s eating again!
[Hospital]
Me:How’s my dad?
Dr:I’m afraid he’s in critical condition*shout from inside room
“You’ve never lived to up to your potential!”
The best thing about working from home is having more time to ignore the huge pile of laundry that needs doing
FUN GAME: when someone tells you the name of their new baby, repeat it back to them, with their surname, and say “Like the murderer?!”
I bet the skeletons, in my gay coworker’s closet, are having a dress up party with fabulous clothes.
I’m an adult, and I can eat whatever I want whenever I want, and I wish someone would take this power from me.
I have a “baby on board” sticker on my car. No baby right now, I just want people to know I’m a sore loser
I just found out it only costs about $100 to change your name!!!
Say hello to Ninja Firequeef!
Potatoes are used to make vodka. Also, potatoes are technically vegetables. The point I’m trying to make is, you do a juice cleanse your way, and I’ll do one my way.
I told some friends yesterday that I was going to make seven-layer magic cookie bars and one of my friends said, “oh I can’t make those bc if I do I will eat them until I’m sick” and privately I was like haha well that will not happen unto ME and now it is today and guess what
I can tell my 5yo will make a great politician someday by the way he uses other kids as human shields in dodgeball.
Instead of sending friends Christmas cards, is it ok If I return the ones I got and just add the words “Me too”?
When I was 8, my best friend & I had a big fight. The next week his family moved away. Dave, if you’re reading this, I still hate your guts.
