This nice guy next to me on the flight just offered to switch seats so I could sit next to my family.
“Oh they paid extra to have someone sit in between us so they don’t have to be near me.”
I’m pretty sure he didn’t realize it was a joke, and the flight is really tense now.
Me: ‘Anyway, I think the songs here are just kinda made up and pretty terrible.’
Priest: ‘This isn’t how confession works.’
Can you believe some cultures still communicate with clicky noises or primitive hieroglyphs?
*clicks keyboard furiously*
*adds 17 emojis*
Cats be like “I know a spot” and proceed to take a nap on the important papers you are working on to meet a deadline.
Just tried out an AI Headshot generator.
Came out pretty well.
[playing poker]
“I’m all in”
*slowly pushes a half-eaten burrito and a cat to middle of the table*
“Ready for the peep show, sailor?”
In case you don’t watch Crime TV let me just tell you, if you’re going to commit a crime don’t take your cell phone with you.
When your emotional bank account is empty you have “insufficient funs”
Fireman: [bursts in] EVERYONE OUT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Me: No its a hose lol
[later]
Cop: looks like he filled him with water til he exploded
Me: Don’t tell me you’ve never thought about having sex with me.
Her: No, I never have….
Me: I asked you not to tell me that.
told someone “my scrubs are made from cotton but i’m made of boyfriend material” then they blocked me immediately
“When neighbors start talking, good things happen.” 🏡
Yes, I’m a slob, but I’m a sanitary slob. Underneath all the clutter it’s actually clean.
My dad was diagnosed with ornamental iron deficiency. He’s supposed to lick a metal handrail twice a day. I honestly feel doctors are just making things up.
Talk to the hand. The hand is lonely and needs some company. What are you up to? How’s work? You look great. You want some tea?
I was uninvited to “drop it” because we couldn’t hear Yoncé over my Rice Krispie knees.
Hubby installed a secondary rain drop shower head so now we have 2 modes.
1) Acupuncturist
2) Drowning
Her: I always knew I was going to be a mummy. I feel like I’ve been preparing for this my whole life. Is that the same for you?
Me: Well, I gained the baby weight preemptively if that counts?
Sheriff: you mean to tell me you’ve walked into this town for a lame joke set up?
Stranger: things have happened
Worth remembering.
Wanted to respond with “Perfect!” but accidentally sent “Pervert!”
That’s my cue to leave. And sorry, Steve, you’re probably not a pervert.
I’m not humiliating myself here for 3 likes. 5 maybe but not 3.
Interviewer: It says here you have advanced math skills. How many times have you used them at work?
Me: *holds up fingers* This many.
I finally got 10 hours of sleep. I mean it took 4 days to get there, but still.
How I handle confrontation:
Them: Aimee!?
Me: *falls to the ground*
*does the worm*
[at preschool open house hearing nut allergy policy]
*raises hand*
What if I draw a peanut on her napkin?Wife: Please go wait in the car
Got my first date of the year. i mean it’s a court date but I’m dressing up.
