Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I was a hairdresser, I’d hold up a chopping board instead of a mirror just to see how many people still go ‘yeah that’s great’.

My phone is so dry I haven’t even gotten a text from a politician

I hate starting new relationships . I gotta act like I ain’t crazy for two months.

Her: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: …
H: …
M: …
H: Why are you hesitating?
M: I’m not sure which answer will get me laid.

remember: knives and alcohol don’t mix. knives are solid they don’t mix with anything. why where you trying to drink a knife anyways idiot

– That Spiderman actor just asked if he could borrow a strand of metal to tie a honey-making insect’s coffee cup to the back of his car.
– Tow bee mug wire?
– No, Tom Holland.

Interviewer: Have you worked in a fertility clinic before?

Me: No

[nervous because it’s my 1st interview]

Me: But I used to be an embryo

have we checked all food to see if exploding them makes them into something better or did we just stop with corn

Please tell me there’s a veterinary text on ruminants called Graze Anatomy

there’s a fly on the ceiling that she can’t reach, so she is intimidating it…with a dissonant chord

Co-Worker: You say apparently a lot.
Me: Yes, I know.
CW: It really bothers me.
M: Apparently so.
CW: You don’t care.
M: Apparently not.

Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: ugh yeah the spacing wouldn’t format properly
Interviewer: OMG I hate that

Me: what’s the first thing you want to do after the quarantine?

Wife: get a babysitter.

-Someone keeps phoning up pretending to be my grandmother. It’s a prank, I don’t know what else to call it.
-Shenanigan?
-Don’t you start.

ants can carry up to 5000 times their body weight?? pfft. watch this- *goes to stomp an ant but it grabs me & slams me thru a picnic table*

With this onion ring, I thee fed

Him: Sometimes I worry about you.

Me: Yeah, I worry about me, too.

I don’t think I ever really recovered from that time my pet rock ran away.

You, a basic, typical hacker: Steals credit cards and identities

Me, a diabolical hacker: Syncs your Twitter account to your phone contacts and unblocks your family’s accounts

Kylo Ren: *high pitched voice* I love you Kylo Ren. You’re the best dark Jedi ever

General Hux: *walks in* Stop playing with Vader’s helmet

Baby carrots imply the existence of carrot sex, and now I’m never looking into the crisper drawer again.

From a distance, I look like a regular dude. Up close I look like Picasso painted Nicolas Cage.

Absolutely travel with kids. It’s important they experience begging to watch their iPad in new environments

*reading a children’s book*

That’s preposterous. A duck can’t perform brain surgery. They would quack under the pressure.

They say using smaller plates will help you eat less.
It took 3 of them to hold my dinner, not sure how this is helping.

MOM LEAF: omg you changed color
KID LEAF: yeah everyone’s doing it
MOM LEAF: oh so if all the other leaves fell off the tree would you do it too

[construction site]

NEW GUY: can i use your hammer
OLD TIMER: no it’s mine

FOREMAN: guys remember we’re building a mcdonalds

NEW GUY: can i use your mc hammer
OLD TIMER: u can’t touch this

People accuse me of never giving a damn about anyone but myself, but I distinctly remember saying ‘bless you’ when someone sneezed last year

IT guy: what seems to be the problem

me: hi uhh my computer won’t turn off and back on again

IT guy: [covers phone] what do I do