This no more tears shampoo sucks. I’ve been feeding it to my friends kid and he’s still crying.
Must be doing something wrong.
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I thought about buying my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
I have a work dinner tomorrow night and a comedy awards night after. I don’t want the comedians to think I dressed up for them so I’m stuffing sweatpants in my handbag
Dr. House would’ve solved this covid shit in 20 minutes flat.
“Kids, grandma just had hip surgery so I need to warn you, she’s not herself.”
*grandma struts in wearing skinny jeans and smoking an E-cig*
Stop blaming your parents.
You’re 32.
Blame your spouse.
When a pig loses his leg, wouldn’t it be a hamputation?
Person: Do you have a license for that thing?
Me [from my wheelchair]: No, that got revoked years ago.
Inventor of the ceiling fan: It has two speeds: off and Mach 2
Friend: What?
Inventor: There’s also a switch on it so no one will know which way it’s supposed to turn
Friend: Who hurt you?
Did you ever wonder what happened to He-Man to make him get bangs?
I’ve always been such a “waiting for the other shoe to drop” type of girl.
I’ve decided I’m now going to be the “throw the shoe at your head and run first” kind of girl.
Wife: ugh I can’t remember my dream from last night
Me: I taught the dog karate and how to speak
Wife: what no that wasn’t it
Dog *chops wood in half* wasn’t what
Always use a fish knife when eating fish, a tomato knife when eating tomato, and a Swiss Army knife when eating a member of the Swiss army.
i do not get doomsday preppers i’m immediately giving up i am not trying to survive nuclear winter you will not catch me doing any mad max shit i’m quitting
DOCTOR: your blood pressure is high
MY BLOOD PRESSURE: oh shit is it obvious
Me: I’m going to have a shower
3: I’ll give you two minutes
why are you, as a wallet company, giving away a $500 gift card? what am i gonna do? buy $500 worth of wallets?
I hate weddings, funerals and the symphony. I never know when to clap.
Diet day 1: kale, kale everywhere
Diet day 1.5: snorting powdered sugar off of a Dairy Queen flyer while flipping pancakes
Be a parent so you can say fun things like, “Can you please stop petting the ChickfilA trashcan?”
Yesterday my friend quit her job while dressed as Ellen Ripley. Then a manager had to stop and discuss a counter offer with HR while dressed as an emu. I love Halloween so much
God: you’re an amphibian.
Frog: what does that mean?
God: it means you can breathe on land and in the water.
Frog: omg you mean I’m a mermaid?
God: no that’s not what I-
Frog: [whispers] I’m the littlest mermaid.
“Tell them I said hi” is the ideal amount of effort
You can’t change your past but you can change your pasta.
[calendar naming committee]
BOSS: how should we spell the second month
GUY WHO SPELLED WEDNESDAY: i have an idea
Sober me will always have your back.Drunk me will convince you to get a tattoo of a unicorn doing a dolphin over a rainbow on your back.
“Can I get a umm…”
-every person ever at the drive thru
Look… don’t end your presentation with “Are there any questions?” & then get all pissy when I ask if you can ride a unicycle.
The emotional roller-coaster of catching the bouquet, then remembering I’m at a funeral.