This no more tears shampoo sucks. I’ve been feeding it to my friends kid and he’s still crying.
Must be doing something wrong.
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Sorry, grandma. You stood up. You have to be Slim Shady now.
The next time you’re hesitant to call or email your elected official because your issue doesn’t seem important enough…
Just remember how many times they texted you begging for $5
Nobody has to pee more than a small child who has just put on 10 lbs of snow gear.
Apparently when a potential employer asks you “where do you see yourself in five years?”, “I’m hoping to have found Bigfoot by then” isn’t the answer they’re looking for.
i was baptized in a car wash
director: ok. it’s ancient Greece.
actor: British accent got it.
At Costco I just bought my cemetery plot, my casket, and the 80 lb bag of beef jerky that will eventually kill me. One stop shopping.
I’m sorry, this suitcase is overweight. You’re gonna have to take some stuff out and put it in a different bag so the plane doesn’t crash.
Why non-smokers don’t take bubble blowing breaks is beyond me
Ok I don’t get it. Kid Rock looks nothing like adult Rock
Worst bar ever.
victim: *running away, singing friends theme song*
murderous villain [drops knife while clapping]: damn it, not again
Wife: *packing a bag*
Me: Where are you going?
W: I’m leaving you for my boss
M: Don’t go—
W: It’s too late, you can’t change my mind
M: —before I’ve written him a quick ‘Thank You & Good Luck’ note
W: I despise you
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
me: I quit drugs to concentrate on rock climbing
him: nice what’s the highest you’ve been
me: I tried to kiss a goldfish
Just saw a tiktok of a family introducing their newborn to their cat and after it smelled the baby it went to another room and threw up LMFAO
When my wife says she’s going to throw away a dessert, I turn into Gollum sooooooo fast
People don’t disappear in the Bermuda Triangle like they used to.
Has anyone tried switching it off and back on again?
Our power went out and it’s utterly humiliating how many times I tried to turn on the light so that I could find the flashlights because the power was out
What does it mean when you’re flirting with a guy and he’s just crying and holding up a crucifix?
Punctuation Matters. Period.
Everyone told me how great all the food is that comes out of an air fryer. I bought one and put it on my kitchen counter THREE DAYS AGO and not one fucking thing has come out of it. You people are all liars!
my dog: (feeling anxious) i will need to chew some shoes about this
A werewolf is chasing you. Your life flashes before your eyes: crappy jobs, breakups, Ren fairs. The werewolf gets depressed and goes home.
Me: I once ate undercooked chicken at a restaurant for months because I didn’t want to upset the server.
Them: Why…why didn’t you just stop ordering the chicken?
Me: Hindsight is 20/20, David.
6 wakes me at 6:30am: wanna play a game?
Me: go hide! 1, 2, 3…
6: you’ll never find me!
Me: *goes back to sleep*
when revenge coincides with naptime
Calling them “tricks” undermines everything I’m trying to do with the yo-yo.
I had sex twice in 24hours and I’m so glad that I have 4000 people to brag about it to
Why do they even bother calling him 007, when the first thing he does is introduce himself using his REAL NAME?