Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

well well well, if it isn’t the consequences (dying of the plague) of my own actions (putting a rat i found in an alley under my hat to help me cook hotdogs better)

People who drink green tea, what’s the matcha with you?!

If you ever need me, call me any time, day or night, and I’ll return your call when I get around to it.

Avoid the embarrassment of mispronouncing their name by immediately forgetting their name

Interview:

“What’s your greatest weakness?”

*I look at my watch then lean in*

How much time do you have?

GREAT WHITE SHARK: *Jumps out of water & eats seal*
JUST OK WHITE SHARK: *Frantically waves flipper to try & get seaweed off but can’t*

Kids are supposed to dress like their future career at my daughter’s school today and my husband told her to wear a nice shirt with pajama pants and say she was a remote worker on a video call.

My weather app just says, “Oh no.” I wonder what that means?

My level of hotness..

I learned to dance from watching the bears in the Charmin commercials.

asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life

These are so Plastic Man-core

Just say no

Mambo Number Five, but it’s a list of all the serial killers you dated without ever realizing it

Once I was a passenger in a car when a deer ran across the road. I screamed, so the driver looked at ME instead of the ROAD. I’ve trained myself to always scream “DEER!” instead of just screaming. *sighing* So. Anyway, sorry I screamed “DEER!” when you startled me in the hallway.

You know you’re getting old when you’re watching the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and wondering if they get enough vitamin D.

science defines a baby as “a small smooth poopy man, no taller than a lamp”

[ In bed, trying to find a cold spot ]

Ahhhh, there it is…

Wife: Get off of me!!

I think my dog just OD’d on lightening bugs. I didn’t even know that was a thing. Please teach your pets about bug addiction

White Walkers need coffee too #WinterIsHere

So disappointed. I was unable to witness the awesome spectacle of the Perseid meteor shower in the middle of the night because unfortunately the view in my location was totally obscured by a thick layer of bedroom.

“You can have sex with my sister over my dead body”

“Umm, I appreciate the weird offer, but I’m just gonna do it in my car”

I’ve had 3 men proclaim their love for me since the Coronavirus hit, so how’s your quarantine going?

Wife: Are you crying in there?
Me crying: NO!
W: have you been eating cheese again? *opens door*
Me with mousetrap stuck to lips: NO

overheard someone asking my wife how we met, and she replied “he was a fancy wooden horse to my Troy” and on one hand: that’s beautiful, but on the other hand: 😕

A squirrel just tried to break into my house,
I’ve gotta find another tree

Me: Hey, wanna feel really old?

Friend: Yeah?

Grandma: Stop telling people to poke me you little shit!

By the time he entered rehab, Popeye was more spinach than sailor man.

me: our son was just arrested for a violent crime

wife: omg battery?

me: about 90% but focus

I love when you look into someone’s eyes and you can just see their face light up because they are some sort of cyborg with face lighting.

I’m kind of a big deal on the semi-pro yoyo circuit.