This no more tears shampoo sucks. I’ve been feeding it to my friends kid and he’s still crying. nnnnMust be doing something wrong.

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These people act like they’re never seen a naked store mannequin, holding a wine glass, sitting on someone’s front porch before.


Cat: Why are you looking at me?

Me: You’re acting strange.

Cat: Strange?

Me: Are you on drugs?

Cat: Drugs…you’re the one who thinks I’m talking.


wife [on phone] Did you preheat the oven like I asked?
me: Yep
wife: What temperature?
me: 534
wife: That’s the clock
me: 535


The light at the end of the tunnel better be a damn computer screen


me: [struggling to think of things to talk about] “so what do you do for a living?”
barber: [slowly stops cutting my hair]


HORSE: *walks into a bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long face?
HORSE: Updog
BARTENDER: What’s updog?
HORSE: Not much just walking into a bar


Bae: Come over

Me: Do you have food??

Bae: My parents aren’t home

Me: Are they coming back with food??


If history repeats itself, I’m totally getting a dinosaur.


Harry: I got my scar when Voldemort tried to kill me. How about you?

Me, who walked into an open cabinet door: Uh, Azkaban prison riot


Bouncer: ID please
Me: I got socks for Christmas
Bouncer: …okay
Me: and I’m genuinely happy about it
Bouncer: so sorry come on in