These people act like they’re never seen a naked store mannequin, holding a wine glass, sitting on someone’s front porch before.
This no more tears shampoo sucks. I’ve been feeding it to my friends kid and he’s still crying. nnnnMust be doing something wrong.
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Cat: Why are you looking at me?
Me: You’re acting strange.
Me: Are you on drugs?
Cat: Drugs…you’re the one who thinks I’m talking.
wife [on phone] Did you preheat the oven like I asked?
wife: What temperature?
wife: That’s the clock
The light at the end of the tunnel better be a damn computer screen
me: [struggling to think of things to talk about] “so what do you do for a living?”
barber: [slowly stops cutting my hair]
HORSE: *walks into a bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long face?
BARTENDER: What’s updog?
HORSE: Not much just walking into a bar
Bae: Come over
Me: Do you have food??
Bae: My parents aren’t home
Me: Are they coming back with food??
If history repeats itself, I’m totally getting a dinosaur.
Harry: I got my scar when Voldemort tried to kill me. How about you?
Me, who walked into an open cabinet door: Uh, Azkaban prison riot
Bouncer: ID please
Me: I got socks for Christmas
Me: and I’m genuinely happy about it
Bouncer: so sorry come on in