My college kid makes a Hot Pocket nearly everyday, and still reads the directions every time he cooks one.
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There is no room in this room cause you brought an elephant with you
Why do football players only dance when good shit happens? Just once I wanna see a QB throw an interception & do a sad, interpretive dance.
This Teenage girl gave me attitude today so I called her the “Fattest Skinny person I have ever seen” that should confuse her for a while.
finally sold everything that reminded me of my ex. kinda nice, I got $20 for her clothes, $50 for her tv, and $100 for our kid
I’m sorry Mr. Simmons. I really enjoy babysitting little Timmy, but I’m only 14. I need real money, not bitcoin.
ME: we’re leaving in 15 minutes
KID1: im ready
KID2: readyME: ok time to go
KID1: i don’t have any socks
KID2: i fell in the toilet
About once a month I think about this NYT correction and I literally laugh out loud for 15 seconds
Genie: you have three wishes
Me: I wish we never met
Genie: but then how would I grant…
Me: your problem
[Lies on resume about having gone to preschool]
Boss: You’re hired. Your first task is to make me a macaroni picture.
Me: *eyes widen* what
I’m terrible at balloon animals but pretty decent with balloon amoeba
Microwave:
Me: *waves back*
I saw an audiologist today, but I think I’ll get a second opinion. Why on earth would I need a heron egg?
Just heard that May is mental health month. Where do I go to pick up my supply?
Point of etiquette: When attending a chainsaw massacre, don’t spend the entire time chainsawing one person. Get out there and mangle.
Alien wife: I hope you get sucked into a black hole.
Alien hubby: Yours? Hahaha
*slaps where his knee should be*
PALM READER: *reading my palm* Eggs, milk, flour-
ME: *laughing* Sorry, that’s my shopping list. Try the other palm.
PALM READER: I can see from your life line that you have a passion for cake baking.
ME: *gasps* How can you tell?
Running out of time to be a Trophy Wife, so now just hoping to be an I Finished The Race Tshirt Wife.
Goodnight moon. Goodnight cow jumping over the moon. Goodnight space cow preventing other cows from clearing the moon. Goodnight ketamine.
Googles: what to do with 100 dyed hard boiled eggs
Google: do you have any enemies?
My cat and I are both on diets, it’s hilarious. Just sitting across from each other, angrily eating our horrible breakfasts.
Five Guys cashier: I’m sorry sir, we actually just ran out of buns. Would you still like to order?
Anaconda: I don’t want none, hon.
If you have more than 4 kids I automatically refer to you as a hoarder.
I called a driver in the school drop off line a moron and 7 very solemnly said… Santa heard that.
It was when he said no nunchucks in the kitchen that I knew our relationship was doomed
Your make-up application says “I failed Clown College”.
*catches son swearing through sign language*
“We don’t use that language in this house”
*hands him hand sanitizer*
“You know what to do”
Revenge is a dish best served cold. Unless revenge is a meatloaf. That you should heat in the oven for forty-five minutes at 350 degrees.
I have a magical ability to render my daughter instantly and completely deaf by simply saying the word “bedtime.”
This is meant to give your cat a seat at the table but it could totally be a whack-a-mole game instead
Me: Time for school.
5-year-old: But we had three days off.
Me: So?
5: I can’t go back. I forgot everything.
Teachers don’t get paid enough.