this november isn’t novembering the way previous novembers, novembered.
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My teen complained about my cooking, so I stopped fighting it and filled the freezer with frozen dinners instead of making dinner, and after a week of frozen dinners, guess who’s asking me to cook again.
I was going to pour a glass of wine tonight but then I scrolled here and think you guys might need it more than me.
What this four-way stop needs is some kind of signal that would let people know when it’s their turn to go
Someone accused me of spending too much time on the Internet. I don’t know what to say. I am so full of emoticons right now.
The one thing I think most parents need to realize is, there’s absolutely no secrets that your child doesn’t share about you in the classroom.
team rocket: that boy’s pikachu is special
meowth: hey
team rocket: we need it
meowth: im literally the only pokemon who can talk
team rocket: that pikachu is so unique no other pokemon will do
Meowth: guys
team rocket: only that pikachu is deserving of love
If Google can’t find the answer, it’s not a question.
[at pet store]
“This tortoise’s shell keeps going soft. Am I doing something wrong?”
“No, it happens. It’s just a reptile dysfunction.”
Me: guess who I bumped into at the store
My wife: [holding my glasses] everyone
Me, a detective: I have a weird feeling in my gut about this guy.
My Mom: you just have to poop.
This is my last day in my 30s. Please send thoughts and prayers… or money. That helps too.
what does he know…
9 out of 10 zoo dentists refuse to work on a Grizzly unless it has been given a strong anesthetic….
Ther’s safety in numb bears
#inspiration #foodforthought
I didn’t get a chance to do yoga this morning or any other morning of my life.
Pretty sure nobody would run marathons if they were never allowed to talk about running marathons.
The yogurt was so far back in the cooler at the store, I almost ended up in an Aha video.
[ouija board]
me: are there any spirits with us? Speak now
ouija board: H E L L O F R O M T H E O T H E R S I D E
me: ….please stop
Truthful Tuesday: If a rapper raps about how much money he has then I download his music for free.
Me: i don’t believe in marriage
Also me: i will meet my husband through twitter
Life is not a sprint, it’s a Marathon gas station that’s always out of your favorite drink and someone is always in the restroom when you need to go.
Baby elephants migrate hundreds of miles to find water. My 6 year old is lying on the floor of the mall because I made him walk from the car
The Canadian military is just a guy named Ross with a flare gun in an aluminum boat.
Just had a goat’s cheese sandwich. Well, he should have put his name on it.
I just figured out the name of a song that had been stuck in my head for a month, and it felt like dislodging a popcorn kernel the size of a ping pong ball from my teeth.
Life advice:
1.Never be afraid to say what’s on your mind
2.Never be afraid to do what’s on your mind
3.Don’t take life advice on Twitter
When I get bored on a Zoom meeting, I put a cursor under the speaker’s nose to make it look like they have a booger.
My parents and in-laws are visiting for the weekend. Whose around for a consensual kidnapping of me until Monday?
My boss: you seem distracted today…
Me: sure, I’ll get that for you asap.
[My 8yo looking for something]
OMG WHERE IS IT IT’S GONE FOREVER WHAT DID YOU DO WITH IT I’LL NEVER FIND IT WHERE COULD IT BE MY LIFE IS RUINED WHYYYYYYY—oh, here it is.