this november isn’t novembering the way previous novembers, novembered.
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coming to theaters soon: Dawn of the Rise of the Dawn of the Planet of the Rise of the Rise of the Dawn of the Apes
A girl drinks 4 cosmos over a span of 60 minutes. 25 mins later, she texts 3 of her besties. How many emojis will she use? Show your work.
When you’re British and you need to deliver the sickest burn possible
A Facebook group named “Humans Against Herd Behavior” was created yesterday. So far, 10,000 people have joined the group.
My professor doesn’t believe in laser pointers so he uses a fishing pole with a foam finger attached and I can’t contain myself during lecture lmao
realizing i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
If I was Phil Collins I’d rub my belly after every meal and say ‘I’m Full Collins’, then insist everyone either laughed or left my house.
I think “Ur mom” is a sassy answer to any question.
Especially “Who gave birth to me” or “Who divorced my dad”.
I’ve kept my tamagotchi alive for the past 15 years, so yeah Mom, I know what it’s like to raise an “ungrateful little prick”
Me in my 20s: I’m never gonna turn into my dad.
Me in my 30s: WHO LEFT ALL THE LIGHTS ON DO YOU THINK I’M MADE OF MONEY
Cop: [aiming gun] Neither of you move
Imposter disguised as me: He’s the one you want, kill him…
Me: [knowing my wife bought a drum kit for our sons birthday] He is correct
It’s like Santa didn’t even care that Rudolph had a coke problem?
TSA agent: Did you leave your baggage unattended?
Me: *Thinks about crushing weight of all previous life experiences* Nope got it all here with me
I am laughing way too hard at this.
I don’t believe in astrology but I’m pretty sure the planet controlling your life is Earth.
In California, there’s just “pot” at the end of the rainbow.
Whoever created crustless pot pie had no clue why people eat pot pie.
My son walked in from kindergarten and set his backpack down with a sigh. “Tough day today,” he said. “A lot of stress.” “What happened?” I asked. “We started the letter J today,” he replied. “It’s giving me lots of trouble.”
Overheard my daughter’s friend on FaceTime telling her Dad to please stop singing because he’s embarrassing her so obviously I did what any Dad would do and finished the chorus for him.
oh to be lowered into a toaster with you, my bread slice wife
Me: Nice abs, bro
Gym bruh: Uh, thanks?
Me: *pulling a sheet cake from my gym bag* Be a shame if something were to happen to them
Me: can we stop by my house so I can grab my pillow & my phone charger? It’s like 10 minutes from here
Arresting officer: no
-I can’t stand liars and fakes
-You are so pretty
-See? Why can’t everyone be honest like you
These hair growth vitamins are sure making my mustache fill in nicely.
Hey man, just wanted to reach out and say I loved how much you drank at my wedding last night
How many pieces of chocolate is too many? Please say upwards of 27.
If a coworker asks to borrow your pen – sniff it and say, “I think this one is safe” and see if they’ll take it from your hand.
How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, they just beat the room for being black.
*drops mic, gets beat by security*
my boss: how are you late to work again
me: [running out of excuses] have you ever seen the film flushed away