Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Good news: It works the other way around.

I entered “internal bleeding” & “unconscious” in WebMD and it said I have a stuffy nose.

Phew.

Just waved at my neighbor’s cat in the window. Turns out it was a vase.

“All dogs love me. He’s friendly! Look how he’s smiling, showing me his teeth.”

“Hey Buddy, let me just grab your collar to read your ta”

And those were his last words

If I ever get the death penalty, I hope “by chocolate” is an option.

[friend’s house]

ME: [trying to sound cool] Ooh! Is that EDM we’re listening to?

FRIEND: No, I’ve got gym shoes in the dryer, my wife is vacuuming, and the smoke alarm is going off.

Txt from wife: where r u
Me:kitchen
Wife:can u feed cat
M: I mean garage
W:bring in laundry
M:bathroom
W:clean toilet
M: Idaho
W:get potatos

Me: I got my first TOTD! It’s exciting!
Him: What’s that?
M: um, well, it’s an imaginary trophy…
H: well then I’m imaginary proud of you.

[gestures to the parents of a crying baby] shhhh, please. my foot’s asleep

The one thing I wish my parents told me after I moved out was the address to their new home

friend: you can kill ants with a magnifying glass

[later at thanksgiving dinner]

aunt: aww what are you doing with that magnifying glass?

me: i’m gonna beat you to death with it

Me: *licks the guy next to me*
Guy: *jumps up*
What the hell lady?!
Me: Whoa, whoa…I’m not the one walking around smelling like ham!

It’s so cold outside I saw a gangster pull his pants up and walk stiffly.

I hope I never meet the girl of my dreams because she’s a thirty foot half witch half crocodile who chases me endlessly through darkness.

I call bullshit on red wine reducing fat. If there was any truth to that, I’d resemble a crack addict.

I will never feel sorry for people who complain about getting screwed in their divorce.

Hell, I can’t even get screwed in my marriage.

“With all due respect is the polite version of ‘listen here you little shit’”

There is a lady who just asked me if Arsenal is a series! I asked her why?She told me that all Arsenal fans usually wait for the next season

For your final meal request to eat the electric chair and then the warden will be like well now what do we do he ate our electric chair

I’ve yet to find the village where people help you raise your kids

For all those men who say”Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?”
I say: why buy an entire pig just to get a little sausage!

Fitbits are just like Tamagotchis, except the stupid little creature you have to keep alive is yourself.

A Norwegian version of the idiom “like a fish out of water” translates to “like a Dane on skis.” And an old Norwegian phrase for someone sneaking out of a party without saying bye is “making a Swede of oneself.” Conversely, a Finnish euphemism for vomiting is “speaking Norwegian”

BARTENDER: what can i get you
MOTH: gimme a bug light

Do you like vampires?

🟩 Nosferatu

✅ Yesferatu

you have three unread messages

Someone told me once you can’t keep complaining about something if you’re not gonna do anything about it. But I’ve found that you can, pretty easily.

I’m extremely good at being so close to getting a prediction right.

I’m like an Almostradamus.

This woman just stared at the beer in my cup holder, like she’s never seen a cup holder on a grocery cart before.

I enjoy long walks in the woods, but only because there’s a chance I’ll get eaten by a bear.

“There’s no reason to be on Twitter anymore.”

*Every other site goes down*

“Guess who’s back…back again.”