Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*the great barrier reef is destroyed but a new one forms in its place* what a rereef

My hot pink mouth is wide open for you, sugar.

Donut: ….

“where’s waldo?” is a fun book that teaches children how to properly stalk a nice man who has done nothing do deserve any of this. an indispensable resource for every young creep

You’re not allowed to donate blood if you’ve listened to Kid Rock in the last 6 months.

YOU (trying to insult me): I bet you’re fun at parties
ME (insulted but the wrong way): I am not! How dare you

[bank robbery]

Me: this is a hold up

[later at the police station]

Cop: wait, so you weren’t one of the robbers?

Me: [just likes to say what things are] this is a police station

Love means never having to say you’re sorry for accidentally bringing home six more cats.

The crows I feed every day attacked a UPS delivery guy that startled me so I guess I now have my own little squad of personal assassins.

If commercials want people to look at them they should all start with the sound of a phone vibrating

Wife: our house is a mess, we should throw some stuff out. I’ll start with the bedr-

Me: DON’T YOU DARE TOUCH MY BED RUM!

Went to HR to complain about my coworkers but my mom said she can’t fire my kids

Isn’t it weird that we have one hand that knows how to do everything and then one hand that just sits there like ‘idk how to hold a pencil.

It’s as though the guy beside me in traffic earlier had never seen a woman take her bra off without removing her shirt before

Date: I can’t go out with a guy unless he’s a big dog person
Me [a werewolf]: This is your lucky day

under no circumstances will my brother take the L

in movies the saddest thing a single woman can do is eat a microwave dinner, but a true rock bottom is eating a hot dog with normal bread as a bun…studios are too scared of that reality

Ways to get me naked:

1. Be hot
2. Be funny
3. Be alcohol
4. Pretend to be my gynecologist

Having grown up Catholic, anytime someone says “May The Force be with you” I always want to respond “And also with you”

Robin: Well, I’m a terrible fighter. I get held hostage hella easy. I say “holy” literally about anything that happens

Batman: You’re hired

I bought myself flowers at the store because I thought they were pretty.

Husband: Did I do something?
Me: No.
Husband: What’s the date?
Me: April 10th.
Husband: Is that an important date signifying anything?
Me: No.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Yes.
Husband, sweating: ok

“Despite my best efforts, my hot air balloon just isn’t going to fly.”
“Dude, that’s a bike with a blanket on it.”
“My best efforts.”

I hate camping with my English teacher friend because he insists we only use the perfect tents.

“Please bear with me” and “please bare with me” are two very different requests

Somewhere, some Nigerian lawyer is wondering why you’re not sending him the personal information that he needs to give you your inheritance

Crocodile towels ☺ @funTweeters @fun_tweets

Greatest days of my life:
3) Day I got married
2) Day my first kid was born
1) Day Facebook let you turn off notifications for their games

All I said is that I didn’t know whether we were a Marvel or DC family and my husband and kids locked me out of the house.

There is not a fine dining experience on earth that compares to bringing home Chinese food and eating it hunched over a living room coffee table with atrocious posture.

I have actually used trigonometry for work. I was promised by so many people that this would never happen.