This old lady in the grocery store was just giving me the weirdest looks and the worst piggy back ride of my life
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If Scientists invent a pill to make us immortal, I guarantee I’d choke to death swallowing it.
I just want to be rich enough to say “that won’t be necessary” when the police go to handcuff me
God’s son died single, but he’ll help you find your match on Christian Mingle.
Autocorrect can suck a bag of docks
Truth or dare?
-Truth.
Ok, go.
-I get sexually aroused by ALF.
Okaaaay…
-Your turn. Truth or dare?
Um…dare.
-Put on this ALF costume.
Autocorrect changed ‘spice things up’ to ‘slice things up’ and now my husband won’t come to bed.
[school email]
Parents, please send a snack with your child to school…no cookies or candy please. Let’s keep it healthy:)[same email]
Today’s lunch menu: Chocolate chip pancakes, syrup infused bacon, Mtn Dew soaked carrots, snorted Pixie sticks, and liquified Cinnabons
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
WIFE: we need to talk about your drinking habit
ME (wearing a nun outfit): why *sips scotch* what’s wrong with it?
ruin a date by talking about marriage and then following through on it
My face is permanently frozen into this scowl. You were right, Grandma.
[at dinner party]
Me: Excuse me, a bit of an announcement.. Jenny and I are expecting a kid. She is 4 months pregnant.
Vegan: I’m vegan
got three hours sleep & i fell great! seems li the less less sleep I get the move alarr et u ambdcim
Buried bones of a famous crime family might be located at an Olive Garden. “When you’re here, you’re family.”
Why are we talking about foreign relations when we have untapped resources here? Take Dave, for example. We could eat Dave today. And I know you all want to.
– Cannibal Presidential Debates
Sometimes I answer the door in a towel when I get an Amazon delivery. Even if I’m wearing clothes underneath.
Many English names are derived from occupations, like Fletcher (arrow maker), Cooper (barrel maker), or Cunningham (tricky pig).
1990- I have three-way calling, we can all talk for hours
2015- don’t even leave me a voicemail unless you are dying or I won money
I handle stress the way cats bathe in water.
Me, at 15: I’m going to change the world!
Me, at 25: I’m going to change the workforce!
Me, at 35: I’m going to change out of my pajamas tomorrow.
Before you marry someone, try decorating a Christmas tree together.
“I can’t believe you string lights like that, Brad. I’m out.”
October already? What’s next? November????
I love showering with my husband. There’s nothing more intimate during sex than discussing water temperature.
If my kids knew there was a light in the oven, they’d leave that one on too.
Yes I was hurt that your cat ignored me, even though I’m allergic. I’m the same way with party invitations.
Me: Yeah like that, baby.
Him: *caresses my back, plays with my hair*
Me: *moans*
Him: *growls* I’m gonna do so many–
Me: *snores, drools*
I think we should send notes to our bosses like when we were in school seeing if your crush liked you but it’s “will you give me the raise I deserve check yes or no”
Pediatrician: How much water does she drink?
Me: You mean like water water or bath water?
DR DOG: *gives kid patient a sucker*
MOM: what do u say
KID: thanks mr dog
DD: kid I didnt go to med school for 56 years to be called Mr Dog
GIRLFRIEND: If you’re asked to say grace at Thanksgiving again this year, what do you say?
ME: Thank you Lord for the food we are about to receive.
HER: And what do you not say?
ME: *sigh* Wham bam thank you yams.