This old man is Lloyd. He spends his time Lloydering.
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how many times did you see your kids tonight after you put them to bed and why is it 87 times?
Actually resolved an argument between my wife and my 16 year-old daughter. Now being deployed to the Middle East to broker peace.
waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
me: i’d love it
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
I have the body of a 21 year old bodybuilder. Can I borrow a shovel?
me: this meeting couldve been an email
me when I get an email: I’m not reading that
There were a lot of tears when I dropped my kid back to school today. I think it’s really unprofessional when his teacher cries in front of us.
As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I say unto myself I SHALL NEVER… USE APPLE MAPS AGAIN…
Sorry I said “You’ll do” instead of “I do” at our wedding.
Teen girl in mirror “I look like death!”
[Meanwhile in Hell]
Death scoffs & flips his hair “Yeah, as if”
Me: Dad, how did you guys manage without WhatsApp and SMS ??
Dad: We used to keep useless information to ourselves.
My family gather round while the lawyer quietly reads my will. He hands out 1 hot dog each and when they finish eating he asks them to leave
HIM: My new girlfriend’s name is “Bella”. That means “Beautiful” in Italian.
ME: It also means “War” in Latin…so good luck with that.
My bank just sent me an email starting with “we’re all in this together” and then told me my monthly fees are going up
My dog used to get into her kennel when I put my coat on and I’m not saying that her standards have dropped since the start of this pandemic but she just went into her kennel when I put on pants
Shopkeeper:This is made of pure virgin wool sir.
Me:You see I m not interested in the morals of the sheep.Just tell me,will it keep me warm?
me: *gets reincarnated into a worm* well at least I’ll finally be able to relax
flock of early birds: guess again
Friend: I haven’t had sex in years!
Me: meh, join the club
Friend: I haven’t had coffee in 5 days!
Me: DEAR GOD!!!
If I’m reading their lips correctly, my neighbors are arguing about some creepy guy next door.
My dad told us with complete confidence and authority that cake batter was dangerous to kids but not adults and we watched him lick the beaters for *years* before questioning how exactly that worked.
Pool party at my house… BYOP (Bring Your Own Pool)…
People who walk while looking at their phones and expect me to get out of the way… LOL.
In my 20s: I’ll show them
In my 30s: I probably won’t show them
A group of women all bought their husbands the same shirt and didn’t tell them…🤣
I don’t take a list. I let Costco tell me what I need.
Over on that new social media site, nudes are called Threadbares
Tailor [furious]: You think you can just come in here and choose your own material and do your own measurements? Fine, SUIT YOURSELF!
My dog gives me attitude when getting his paws wiped off after being outside. It must be just awful to get rewarded with foot massages just for using the bathroom.
The fastest way to get your kids to shut up is to ask them a question you want answered.
For parents of small children, weekends are about as relaxing as showering with cats.