This old man is Lloyd. He spends his time Lloydering.
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“These are serious allegations”
You never hear about anyone making hilarious allegations.
I could be an astrononaut. If it wasn’t for the in shape part. Or the science. Or the going into space.
Me: time to sleep
Brain: You have zero skills that would be useful in an apocalypse so when they start to ration food supplies, people will eat you
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty?
[at bank]
Samuel L Jackson turning in swear jar: I need a bank check to buy Rhode Island
Raise your hand if you’ve ever tried to breathe quieter while walking up a hill so strangers didn’t call 911 to put you on life support
10: Dad, what’s a cliffhanger?
Me: Well, son …
[to be continued]
The biggest takeaway from listening to hundreds of podcasts is if you’re rich enough, you can get away with murder.
The court system could save a lot of money on psychological exams by reading Facebook posts to determine if a person is crazy.
married sext…
him: I’ll be home soon
her: don’t you threaten me
stadium announcer: “STADIUM!”
There are 2 words that have opened a lot of doors for me in my life.
Push and Pull.
[1st day at work]
BOSS: Erm..we..have No Smoking rules hereME: That’s great Alan [blows out smoke] most places have loads of smoking rules
I hate how, no matter where you move, smoke from the campfire always follows you.
[ I pause upon entering the Sears Optical Department. The smoke watches me from Homewares, pretending to look at a blender ]
Watched the movie Gravity tonight. Didn’t see as much gravity as I expected. Two thumbs down based on that.
If you dropped a can of Heinz Alphabet Spaghetti off a skyscraper it could spell disaster.
Perfume is designed to be an invisible accessory.
It’s not designed to instantly kill the canary when you entered the room.
what idiot called it a best man instead of a lord of the rings
*kills time while waitimg for train*
oh no with time dead the train will never arrive
doctor looking at his iPad: oh no, this isn’t good …
Me: give it to me straight doc what is it
doctor: well, I forgot my wifi password
I just meowed at a cat and from the way it looked back at me I am 90% sure I said something really offensive
July is so long that it feels like August is avoiding us
“I’m Sorry”
And
“My Bad”Mean The Same Thing.
Unless You’re At A Funeral.
The strangest thing happened. A coworker who always says, “Living the dream” was mysteriously stabbed 37 times in the neck with my car keys.
The enemy of my frenemy is my frenenemy
Let’s have a race. You try to get an appointment with a licensed mental health professional and I’ll try to get a gun. Ready? I’m done.
Me: okay yeah, cool Wu Tang shirt bro, bet you can’t even name one song.
6 month old baby: ……..
I’m not paying the ransom for my son. We do not negotiate with hospitals.
A great way to grow your account is to run your phone through a paper shredder.