This old man is Lloyd. He spends his time Lloydering.
You Might Also Like
The dog was pooping and before he finished a woman approached me and asked “Are you going to pick this up?” I picked it up and replied to her “I have no choice, this is my food”, and I walked away.
Honestly, silica gel must be absolutely delicious considering how much effort they put into convincing us not to eat it.
Ever sit at your desk and your hand automatically reaches for the seatbelt?
Just me? 😬
Oh, your kids sit down and eat dinner? That’s cool. Mine perform interpretive dance in the kitchen while their food gets cold.
The kids were being so annoying at bedtime last night, I threatened to take them back in time and put them to bed early.
Alan Rickman lost in the woods, leaving a trail of perfectly pronounced words
yea yea make ur OJ jokes but remember…ur friends who committed double homicide and were acquitted due to flawed prosecution and the backdrop of mounting racial tensions can also see the jokes 🙁
therapist: what do you see?
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see, and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book
Probably the worst sound to hear is a crying baby because best case scenario there’s a baby in distress near you but if there isn’t then you’re about to face horrors beyond compare.
Surprise parties are great. Depress your friend by pretending to forget their birthday, then terrify them briefly
Enough with the movies already. We get it. You’re an actor.
“I know how to make an entrance.”
-guy who builds doors
pro: having a lovely time visiting canada
con: nobody would believe me if i got a boyfriend here
wtf is a larm clock?
[roadtrip]
ME: I need a bathroom break
FRIEND: no stops for 2 hours, use that Gatorade bottle
ME: um…ok…now how am I supposed to wipe?
Greg: “You’ve put Christmas decorations up?”
Ian: “I know it’s only November but-”
Greg: “We work in a morgue, Ian. A morgue.”
“it’s just like riding a bicycle”
Oh cool the one vehicle I’ve crashed the most
My flabber has been gasted.
I’m not a stupid person. I have a college degree. But I’ll never understand how a fan can collect so much dust when it’s constantly moving.
Dad- I want you to have everything in this world that your heart desires.
*Can I have oreos?*
[NO]
[getting a number at a bar]
girl: 1-235-813-2134
Fibonacci: you could’ve just said you weren’t interested
You can always tell if the person in a portrait is a politician by the way their lies follow you around the room
I jammed the laundry room door and now I can’t get in there and WHY DIDN’T I THINK OF DOING THIS SOONER?!
Me: one pill pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: no just one pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: pls only one pi-
Pill Bottle: SILICA PACKET lmao
I almost just turned down a beer.
Calm down, I said almost.
ME: hey I’m just in time to watch the meteor shower!
METEOR: um, how about a little privacy?
Born to Do Math
#GeekySongsAndShows
Therapist: What is your greatest fear
Me: That Daniel Day Lewis could be playing the role of any person in my life
Therapist: *starts shifting very uncomfortably*
My friend, the police officer: I have to arrest a district court judge for malpractice, the whole story is out in this magazine, look at the cover
Me: Hope u have proof, else u know what you are doing right?
Friend: Huh, what?
Me: You are booking a judge by the cover
Her: Do I look fat?
Him: Do I look stupid?…