This older woman on this flight next to me just pulled out her knitting so I pulled out my knitting and started talking to her about it and she could not have been less interested. She’s now wearing earplugs. Not even headphones to listen to music. Earplugs.
I wear a Fanny Pack to Olive Garden just so I can steal more breadsticks.
LAWYER: where were you on the night of the stabbings
ME (not wanting to admit I was watching the Bachelor finale & crying): stabbing people
Look, I didn’t mean to upset your grandma.
All I said the best place to be in a human centipede is in the front.
{emergency evacuation}
Police:For the last time you need to leave your house now!
Me:*frantically packing my Golden Girls DVD box set* ok ok
a dishwasher safe would have to be a really big safe
I requested better work conditions but my boss screamed and threw his toy at me and now we’re both sitting in the playpen crying
“Ever go to a mall and buy something from the 1st store you stop in? And for the rest of the night you have to carry the bag, watch the bag, remember to pick up the bag after you set it down. It’s kinda like that.”
-me trying to explain to a friend what it’s like to raise a child
UBER: Sounds better than “Let’s get in this strange man’s car!”
Remember when Saturday Morning cartoons would start to end and the live action shows you didn’t like as much started to come on, but you still half-heartedly watched?
That’s Twitter now.
The facial recognition on my iPhone recognizes me in sunglasses but not when I’m smiling
Good day meowlady
* tips cat
The worst thing about working from home is when you get on a customer call, the Amazon driver shows up, and you have a dog.
My typo game is string.
me: you’re so wet and i’m going to go down on you right here in public
waterslide operator: i’m gonna need you to stop talking out loud
Prosecutor (showing slide): Is this your Yelp review history?
Me: Yes but
Prosecutor: 26 proctologists?
Me: What you have to understand is
Prosecutor: You described this one as “pleasantly judgmental”
[pet store]
COP: someone’s been stealing puppies
OWNER: OMG now I’m missing another one
ME: who would do such a thing *shirt starts barking*
The woman in the Superman underwear next to me does not quite understand how white pants work.
Have you tried locking him in your trunk?
Give a man a fish, he eats for a day.
Teach a man to fish, and you’ll have the weekends to yourself.
If cereals for kids have toys inside, cereals for adults should have prizes that adults like inside. Raisin Bran should have a pair of ear plugs at the bottom. Grape Nuts should come with a two-pack of advil.
I’m cash poor but spare-napkins-in-my-glove-compartment rich
ACQUAINTANCE: So funny seeing you in the grocery store
ME: Yeah ha ha *opens door in freezer section* well this is me lol see ya
There is a hawk following me on my run so now I’m insecure about what I look like and what I smell like
The retirement age needs to be lowered to 50. I’ve had enough!
I wanted to drive around and enjoy the lights, but nooooo that cop insisted I pull over right away.
her: HELP ME! I’m bleeding out!
me: Not on my watch you aren’t!
her: Oh, my hero! Thank you!
me [tucking watch in pocket] Huh?
If anyone asks, I’m only watching three shirtless buff guys work on the neighbour’s roof because home improvement projects are super educational.
FYI those little crosses along the interstate aren’t for squirrel crucifixions. I was wrong. The article I wrote about this was wrong.
👮♂️New comic: Good Cop, Bad Cop👮♂️
*overheard in 6’s virtual class*
6: I saw a raccoon our backyard yesterday, and I wanted to show it to my mom, but it ran away.
Kid: Oh, are raccoons scared of your mom?
