This older woman on this flight next to me just pulled out her knitting so I pulled out my knitting and started talking to her about it and she could not have been less interested. She’s now wearing earplugs. Not even headphones to listen to music. Earplugs.
Why are sloths one of the 7 deadly sins? Those little guys don’t hurt anybody. They just chill all day.
[ from bed ]
*accio coffee*
damnit it didn’t work again
Who called it “unplugging the life support machine” and not “pulling the RIP cord”?
I JUST CANT LOOK ITS KILLING ME
The only problem with the free bread they serve to your table at restaurants is that they don’t do it everywhere else. I want to be served focaccia while I’m getting my car fixed. I want my doctor to offer me a baguette and olive oil while she’s checking my blood pressure.
It should be illegal for your kids to change their favorite color without giving you a 30 day notice
ME: I found my old playstation2 in the garage. we can just wire it up to the PS3 and boom, PS5
12YO: that’s not how it works
ME: okay, smart guy. which one of us had a D in math?
12YO: both?
I’ve always heard that ignorance is bliss. My question: Exactly, how ignorant do I have to be before I find bliss?
I’ve been leaving in 5 minutes for the past 3 hours.
hate sitting down at my favorite diner and having the waitress i’ve known for 15 years come to pour me coffee but i notice that her usually steady hand is shaking, tipping me off to a hostage situation that i will be forced to resolve with a combination of guile and violence
Some music just moves you. For example this Taylor Swift song playing on the radio makes me wanna drive off a cliff
“Forever” is just a romantic word for “until we get bored or one of us dies”
Seriously, if you go to Central or South America to visit ancient ruins and you don’t dress as Indiana Jones, what’s even the point? Bonus points if you can get the whip through customs.
My dog: WHY ARE YOU ALL STILL HOME
Why must a movie be “good” ? Is it not enough to sit somewhere dark and see a beautiful face, huge?
I like being a landlord for people I can feed noodles to all the time because they’re lo mein tenants.
Him: What’s your cup size?
Me: Venti
When Plan ‘A’ and Plan ‘B’ don’t work..
Plan ‘Shaggy’:
Say it wasn’t you.
I don’t sit on the floor without a detailed plan on how to get back up
Is this waiter flirting with me because they just handed me a piece of paper that says ME N U
True love doesn’t care about the look or size of your wallet, it’s all about what is inside ….. the wallet.
Navy: (subtweets)
Army: (helicoptertweets)
Me: My heartburn is out of control
Dr: Are you still taking your meds
Me: Yes I take them every morning with my 1st pot of coffee
Dr: (exhaling loudly)
CONDUCTOR: Oh my dad’s in the audience
[waves to dad]
[orchestra goes crazy]
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking.
“Can you cook dinner tonight?”
Can’t. New meds say I can’t operate any heavy machinery and that stove doesn’t look light
My five year old keeps saying creditor when he means predator, and I can’t bring myself to correct him because tbh it works.
Careful, it’s hot. *ladles steaming clam chowder into your kid’s trick or treat bag*
I never move faster than when I’m pulling a shirt or sweater over my head. I like to minimize the “murder window” as much as possible.
