This one, by a wide margin
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Its funny how your parents tell you its their house, but as soon as something needs cleaning, it magically becomes yours too.
In honor of the striking writers and actors, I won’t post anything good here starting in 2016.
Ladies,
Please stop answering our questions with “yes, of course”. All you’re doing is forcing us to nod our heads like we knew that.
Men
If your cat brings home a dead bird and presents it to you, don’t be rude. Take a little bite.
Some parents are blessed with amazing kids and others have kids that decide to learn the trumpet.
Is it still an alien abduction if I packed a suitcase?
[cooking class]
chef: now you just introduce them to the pan
me: ok … um, this is john scallop
Randomly covering one eye for long periods of time so people think I’m part of that cult
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u r not responding
Day 1: [Stranded on an island] Is this where it ends for me?
Day 2: Ok, I need to get to know this place
Day 3: I’ve spotted what appears to be monkeys.
Day 4: Omg I’ve just seen a person
Day 5: Ok, this is a zoo.
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet grape was just eaten by his twin sister
“This tofu tastes like chicken.”
No one believes you dude.
just yelled YOU DONT KNOW ME at uplifting bathroom graffiti that read “you are enough”
I developed a very large vocabulary to avoid words I couldn’t spell.
Smoking is tricky. it gets me out of bed, it gets me outside. It gets me talking to the boys. It lets me look a little cooler than i should. It satisfies my oral fixation and my desire to fidget. It gives me an excuse to get a little snack at the store. But it’s french,
bigfoot [eating a clown]: hey these might actually be my size
I have a friend visiting from out of town. What’s your fave place in LA to look at your phone??
Fun prank: replace all your phones with rotary phones and your wifi with a dial-up, then watch your kids move out.
Sunday: I think the kids handled daylight savings pretty good
Tuesday: no
One of the most unforgivable sins is spilling your coffee because you’re texting while driving.
*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
I wish for World peace.
Genie: Can’t do it.
Million dollars?
Genie: Listen bro, I lied on my genie resume.
“You’re unemployed 364 days a year. It’s not that sexy.”
–Mrs. Cupid
“YOU’RE FAT.” – my belt
Abraham Lincoln is in a cent until proven guilty.
I’ve dated a vegetarian, trust me, they put meat in their mouth.
[elevator doors r closing, i see a woman running to get on. i push the close door button because i gotta be on time for an interview. i get there exactly at 2 and sit down. a few min later the interviewer walks in. it’s the woman from the elevator]
her: *glares*
me: you’re late
There are hospitals for the criminally insane. And then there are parliaments for the insanely criminal.
You can’t force me to watch your ads. YouTube. I will look away and plug my ears
I can’t stress this enough, I will never have a need to use a hotel’s complimentary gym when I’m on vacation.
If an assassin ever wanted to kill me but make it look like an accident they could just wait until I was walking down the stairs with a plateful of nachos and throw me a pizza