This one, by a wide margin
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parents of small children wondering when the early morning wake-ups end, my daughter in college sent an emergency text at 6am because she needs a fly swatter for her dorm, so the answer is never
It looks like someone put their IKEA Güsen together wrong.
*gets mustard on my shirt trying to get mustard off my shirt*
[seaside wedding]
We are gathered here today to celebrate the-
[bride picked up by giant seagull]
-completion of the ritual. HAIL GULLTHRAX
Waiter: And what would the lady like?
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Date: Gigi, he means you.
Me: *blushing* Oh, wow. He called me a lady.
I realize I put this off but how much weight can I lose in 2 hours?
If my 5yos are holding something when I buckle them into their car seats, there’s a 150% chance they’ll hit me in the face with it.
*whispering* i like going for a drive and running my fingers through your hair
bus driver: well, i do not
oh, you’re a Methodist?
name all the methods
My dog couldn’t find his favorite toy so I got on my hands and knees and crawled around the house for 10 minutes looking under all the furniture, and he was SO excited for me to be down there with him, I could tell he was like “YES she finally figured out how to walk”
The airport called it a “moving walkway” but I felt zero emotions whatsoever.
Picking baby names is basically just listing names until you come to a name you don’t associate with some idiot you encountered at some point in your life.
Sometimes a walk down memory lane is more of a blind, panicked sprint complete with windmill arms.
How long does Chewbacca take to shampoo his hair?
I vacuumed up a huge spiderweb & then heard a thump in the workout room.
The spiders are lifting weights before they attack me aren’t they?
Yelp Review: Babies
Cute at first, but then screamy like angry pterodactyls. There is literally poop everywhere. Would not recommend.
I went to a singles event once. I didn’t see one slice of Kraft cheese.
I consider that false advertising.
a badder mouse
The letter n always has to be the centre of attention.
The great thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
The worst thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
Me: I might get to sleep in tomorrow!
Kid: Hold my sippy cup…
bad news gang
This will never not be funny to me.
In my day, milk crates were used only for their God given purpose – holding your record albums
The rumor that I’m secretly creating a zombie apocalypse to generate demand for flamethrowers is completely false
cheers erupt as woman cuts into perfectly ripe avocado
My toddler had a meltdown. I finally got her to use her words and she told me she doesn’t like the floor.
So. Yeah.
I’m not in my prime, I’m in my amazon prime. You’ll get what you want from me about 2 days after you ask for it.
having a drunk argument with someone over whether a sexy abraham lincoln costume would be hotter than a sexy teddy roosevelt and somehow we’re both losing
Beware of girls like Princess Peach. She seems cool at first but she ends up in some other dude’s castle far too often to be a coincidence.