This one, by a wide margin
You Might Also Like
A baby bear catches snowflakes.
If I were a bumblebee, this leg hair would be an asset.
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.
If I remove any clothing at all, the man thinks it’s sexy time, so now I just step into the shower fully dressed.
We need to put an American base on the sun
My husband is out of town, but the cupboard doors are still open, so now I have to face some cold hard truths about myself
The hardest things to say:
(1) I need help
(2) Worcestershire
I’m starting a Kickstarter to bring a lion from Africa and let it loose in a dentist’s office.
Vacation Bible School is a phrase that gets less exciting for kids as each word is introduced
When I was at the Dollar Store, I saw this cat food called “Alley Cat” and all I could think was with a name like that why not save yourself a buck and just feed your cat out of the trashcan?
Cortana, where is the closest Taco Bell?
There’s a Weight Watchers meeting 1 mile away from you.
*Note to self: Never call Siri Cortana*
*wife wonders where I am*
*hears every musical snowman in the store start singing*
*knows where I am*
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a teacher
HER: [eats mint from purse] So, w-
ME: I HOPE YOU BROUGHT ENOUGH FOR THE WHOLE CLASS
If you live in Tampa, evacuate. Your life is in danger.
If you live on Earth, evacuate. Your life is in danger.
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!-Amish drive by
The biggest laugh at a joke I’ve ever received was on a plane to Amsterdam.
I was on a KLM flight, and the Heineken tall boys were free. When I asked for my fourth, the flight attendant asked me if I think I’d had enough.
I replied, ” Am I gonna have to fly the plane later?
Not to brag but drunk me just decided to start taking pictures for sober me in the morning…
My husband pissed me off so I bought another half-dozen throw pillows for our bed.
Treat your SO like your cell phone. Even if you’re not paying attention to them, keep them safe in your pocket
Surprised my wife with freshly washed towels. She didn’t ask for it but when she opened the linen closet four towels fell on her
Sex is great but have you tried taking a shower after a week of camping?
I just weighed myself so I could then weigh the dog; so now we’re both depressed and comfort eating kibble.
cop searching my car and finding little notes i hid everywhere that say i love the police
Probably a bad sign that I now watch “The Handmaid’s Tale” to unwind from the news
There’s been a lot of false alarms at the coal mine today. Maybe we should get a canary instead of a possum
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 715
The most stressful part of my day is when my 5 year old shows me what he made in Arts & Crafts and I have to guess what it is.
Cop: So you admit it, you murdered all three real estate agents. Where are the bodies?
Me: *indicating on map* Location, location, location
Her: I swear this car is jinxed. Every time I drive more than 10 miles something goes wrong
Car sputters as it runs out of gas
Looking at my incredulous face: See what I mean?
If you read enough tweets you can tell the approximate time the tweeter switched from coffee to alcohol