Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ll take your LEAST sexual soup.

Who called it “asking for sex” and not “pitchfork”

My dog stayed up late playing with the neighbor dog last night and then he slept till 11am and he won’t tell me a thing about her, is this what it’s like to parent a teenager?

It takes my husband longer to choose a rental car online than it did for us to choose the names for our sons.

I wonder if any student will ever top this email.

A fun thing for an author to do would be to have the last line of the book be something like “he said, in his Jamaican accent, which he’d had this whole time.” Make the audiobook narrator have to start the whole thing over.

I wonder if Mariah Carey knows it’s possible to sing a high note without pointing her finger in the air?

Took the batteries out of the carbon monoxide alarm because the loud beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel sick and dizzy.

Didn’t get any sleep last night….I spent the entire time wondering where the sun went.

Then it dawned on me.

Me: I made you a CD.

Coworker: This says songs you hate for the people you hate.

My 4yo is trying to sell my own M&M’s back to me. This guy’s going places.

What does a corpse and snow have in common? They are both cold and are hilarious to throw at unsuspecting children.

Nurse: Where does it hurt?

Me: *Points to heart*

Nurse: Awwww that is so cute!

Me. *COLLAPSES FROM HEART ATTACK*

Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times and I’m not sure if the shame alternates or if it’s still me.

Wife: [Came back from hair salon] Are you not going to compliment me on my hair?

Me: So sorry! It’s a very nice cut! Good length on you.

Wife: I got highlights. Jack*ss.

I want to make some strangers on the internet unreasonably mad today, but first I need to put my cast iron skillet in the dishwasher

welcome to Olive Garden! when you’re here, you’re family. sit up straight. have you gained weight? why can’t you be more like your sister

This afternoon a crew of men were installing Christmas lights on a house down the street. The next thing I hear is a boy yelling, “It’s not Decemberrrrrr!!”
That’s how I knew my son was home from school.

Good morning.

My phone died, so I was forced to “print” a physical copy of my boarding pass, just like The Wright Brothers used to in the olden days

WIFE: I wish you would drop this stupid genie act
HUSBAND: honey I already told you, you’re out of wishes

I’m in that magical stage of parenting where I don’t need to change diapers or carry baby gear but I also don’t have to deal with teenage problems yet and my kids still think I’m smart and funny…how do I stay here???

if you’re hiding from a deranged killer and forget to put your phone on silent, at least make the ringtone the benny hill theme.

An email so annoying, you wanna return the computer to the store.

[at olive garden]

waiter: welcome to the garden, what’ll it be

me: olives

waiter: ok

To whoever has my old phone number: I truly hope you’re enjoying those texts from that guy I met at that thing

I made a graph showing my past relationships. It has an ex axis and a why axis.

Bring a toddler to your next robbery. Their smudgy fingerprints everywhere will make the forensics team cry.

Did you know Lysol kills 99.9% of germs & my toothpaste has tartar control? You would too if you sat in my bathroom without your phone.

CHRISTMAS INSTRUCTIONS:

1) Buy presents.

2) Pretend you could afford it

3) Pray the apocalypse arrives before your credit card bill does.