this one has claws
This one swims but can’t fly
This one is huge & runs funny
This one bangs his head against trees
– god making birds
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If I ever meet you and you don’t look anything like your avi,you’re buying drinks for me until you do
opening twitter today
idea for a movie:
a bear who is a parent
captures a psychotherapist
to cook as dinner for the cubs
and the movie is called
(and i’m very very sorry)
“kids, i honeyed the shrink”
Coworker: Good morning
Me (suddenly realizing this is my first interaction of the day): How are go?
TEACHER: You just answered B to every test question
ME: I figured I’d get a few right
TEACHER: It wasn’t multiple choice
Don’t let people push you around. Unless it’s in a wagon, because that shit is fun!
[Satan advising me on choosing the right career path] law school it is
Hi, I’m Amanda and I stew on things that could’ve been handled in an hour for thirteen years.
If television has taught me anything, it’s that I can totally outrun an explosion.
me: *waking up* who’s there
monster under bed: hi
me: *shaking* omg you’re real
monster under bed: but i won’t hurt you
me: oh
monster under bed: just give me all your halloween candy
me: dad?
monster under bed *taking off mask to reveal my dad*: dad tax
Shouldn’t Captain Crunch be Colonel Crunch by now? Apparently cereal mascot is a dead end job.
It’s been six months and I still haven’t received the book I ordered: “How to Scam People”.
when you can’t remember if your friend’s birthday is yesterday or today
Enjoy this video of ducks changing their minds
Life hack: if you run out of treadmill space for your clothes get a piano
My ex-husband’s mother invited me to lunch for my birthday and tbh, I’d rather be torn apart by wolverines and thrown into a vat of acid so naturally, I told her I’d check my schedule.
Do you smoke after sex?
Person looks down…”I don’t know, I never checked.”
One of the best things about the internet is that it’s very easy to claim credit for things you had no part in. It’s one of the reasons I invented it
Fingers crossed that Cupid hits me in the carotid artery.
Fun fact of the day: Hugh Hefner took so much viagra in his lifetime that his coffin lid still hasn’t closed all the way.
who sleeps with a chair next to their bed that’s like asking for a dead family member to wake you up at 3am asking what you’re doing with your life
My G.F. has a pair of ‘meatloaf’ panties.
On the front, it says ‘I would do anything for love’
On the back it says ‘but I wont do that.’
Went to my bosses funeral this weekend. I leaned over and whispered in his ear.
“who’s thinking outside the box now Gary.”
Turns out, you can live vicariously through anything if you try hard enough. Right now I’m a pumpkin being launched 1,000 feet across a field by a catapult at a Punkin Chunkin festival. Weeeee!
*Me, accidentally knocking kitchen knife off counter*
My foot: I’LL GET IT
My brain: NO YOU IDIOT
[on a rocket which just launched into space]
Me: oh shit did I switch the oven off can we head back real quick.
I’ve finally found a book that speaks to me. I believe it’s called an “audiobook”.
Trust us: the feminine form of ‘ghostbuster’ is ‘ghostbuster’.
Made some terrible life choices the last few years.
Just kidding. I’m married and not allowed to make decisions.