this one is dumb but worth the zoom-in, i swear
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Listen if we’re still single in 10 years do you wanna get hitched?
My cat:…
[reclining with sliced cucumber on my eyes]
My passengers: “Aaaaaaaaaaah!”
Sometimes I tell myself that everything that I’ve been through in life is totally worth it. Then I laugh hysterically.
Unscramble: pnise
If you got spine, you are correct. The rest of you have been on twitter too long.
My husband calls me Sugar and my dog’s name is Sugar so when he says, “C’mere Sugar” there’s an awkward stare down between me and the dog.
there should be a tented fingers emoji. for when you’re feeling ruminative
Red red wine… goes to my head yea yea. Makes forget oh yea. That i been textin you.
~If UB40 had wrote Red Wine in todays society. 🤷♀️😂
*takes my split ends to couples counseling*
Yes officer, the person who robbed me was a woman 25-30, at least 5’9, a brunette and definitely single. Can you arrange a line up please
I think I’ll take the swab. Thanks though.
And then he tweeted…..
“SEE YOU IN COURT”
After just LOSING IN COURT‼️
I was getting fed up at my job and was considering quitting but they’ve upgraded the toilet paper in the office restroom so I’m good now.
*on death bed*
Kids: I had a bad dream, can you move over so I can sleep with you?
*gets kicked in the ribs*
It just seems like one would see a lot more data while flying through the clouds.
FBI: you are so busted!
Me: omg thanks 🤭
Do I want to join the Illuminati, bot?
I AM the Illuminati.
99 bottles of beer on the wall?
Challenge accepted
Lounging on the couch, pants off while munching a Big Mac is a great way to spend Sunday, despite IKEA’s Security guard insisting otherwise.
Me: [adjusting cargo shorts] These babies are built for performance.
My wife: You’ve been sitting on the couch watching football all day
Me: [pulling a small container of bean dip out of one pocket and a bag of tortilla chips out of another] Was a question in there somewhere?
To make up for all the junk I ate over the weekend, I plan to run 86 miles today.
Hi 911, I’d like to report a drunk naked guy blasting off truck nuts w/ a shotgun. Time of incident? [takes drink] In about 20 minutes lol
Date: So… Tinder, huh?
Me: Yup.
Date: …
Me: This is kind of awkward.
Date: Maybe we should’ve used real pictures.
Me: You think so, MOM?
Elon Musk: Inhabiting Mars is the only hope we have of saving the human race
Jesus: LOL
When my 4 year old asked where babies come from my toddler immediately responded, “mail man.” Now I feel like I owe my husband a phone call and we need to cut back on our online shopping.
Good morning to everyone, even people who say that we’re only good for downloading Google Chrome
boy: you have really pretty eyes…
me: *suspicious* thank you…???
boy: *leans in slowly*
me: NO!!!! You cant have them!!!!!
*pulls home cooked meal out of oven*
*family awkwardly stares at me*
Yup, this is definitely not my house.
Nannying is like a stay at home mom internship
Jay said his mother is a lesbian and came out in support of her same-sex relationship. Rap really has grown up
My GF: so… do you like my new nylons?
Me [thinking about robbing a bank]: oh yes