this one is dumb but worth the zoom-in, i swear
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What idiot called it a contraction and not a birthquake?
sneaking out of costco with extra samples like
[boss starts giggling uncontrollably during his presentation as I tickle a voodoo doll]
dan dan noodles… the food so nice they danned it twice. thanks for liking my posts
Farmer: I love my job
Wife: But all you do all day is round up cows
Farmer: What did you say to me?
Wife: You herd
Forget a alarm clock just give me the smell of bacon and coffee
Queen Elizabeth dresses like she’s about to go to prom with Steve Harvey
I gave a yelp review once.
In my defense, it was my first bikini wax.
7’s new favorite animal is the spider.
He tells me fact after fact about them, he’s made the background of his school iPad a spider, and he shows me pictures constantly.
I’ve been a pretty good mom, so I’m not sure what I did to deserve this.
I’m not an agoraphobe, I’m deeply in love with my stuff
Dance like you haven’t fallen off that pole twice already.
My wife is leaving me because of my obsession with ‘Star Wars’.
I said: May divorce be with you…
Give it a rest, Quinoa. I know birdseed when I see it.
Been escorted out of the building of Global IT for unplugging something so I could plug in my George Foreman grill
Sci-fi is when Benedict Cumberbatch looks like this and fantasy is when Benedict Cumberbatch looks like this
Me: intuitive eating is easy. It’s all about listening to your body
My body: I’m begging you…eat a vegetable….please
Me: what’s that? More cheese?
*is at the movies with hot date*
*does fake yawn to put arm around her*
*yawns too hard and inhales a child from the row in front*
*dies*
Like a good neighbor
State Farm and I haven’t ever spoken.
My daughter and her friend Poppy were playing hide and seek and Poppy wanted to hide in the chest freezer but I told her that’s where we keep the dead bodies and now poppy’s no longer allowed over to play which suits me fine because Poppy’s a humourless snitch
If you drink 6 RedBulls in less than an hour, they’re not allowed to arrest you for stealing a bus. Read the can if you don’t believe me.
*harry walks into snape’s office*
“What is it Potter?”
*closes and locks door*
“I miss you”
“Harry…”
*puts finger on snape’s lips*
“Shhhhh”
I was 15 minutes into destroying a plate full of ribs before I even noticed my date had left.
Lead me not into temptation. Take my hand and I’ll show you a shortcut.
DO NOT ATTEMPT TO SURGICALLY CHANGE YOUR SON’S BONES TO STEEL LIKE WOLVERINE. THERE WILL BE A LOT OF QUESTIONS.
Small ad: Discreet chicken road-crossing service. No questions asked.
2016: omg, Idiocracy was a documentary
2022: omg, Idiocracy was an understatement
I’m not proud of the person I become when I see a cheese tray at a party.
My ex boyfriend listens to Christmas music year round and that’s not even the worst thing about him.
if u wanna date me all u gotta do is ask and i’ll say no