this one is dumb but worth the zoom-in, i swear
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*hannibal lecter’s shopping list*
fava beans
a nice chianti
dave
“Do you want to have fun but also get more mad than you’ve ever been in your life?” – video games
Shame on you if you’re still replying “damn” to selfies. Take a creative writing class.
As the cedars outside my window
swayed with the gentle autumn breeze,
I gazed upon your digital image, madam,
And my bowl of spaghetti fell to the floor
As, nearly, did I…
Rent in the city is getting ridiculous. I pay $775 to live in a barista’s beard. I have 3 roommates.
Me: You should do that sexy thing you did a few weeks ago more often.
Her: When I was dancing in my panties?
Me: No…Cooking
FRIEND: ready to go body surfing?
ME: [unstrapping a corpse from my car roof] let’s do it
No matter how handsome/beautiful you are, your passport picture or ID card will always find ways to humble you
Things I hate:
1. Hatred
2. Irony
3. Lists
If I get bit by a vampire at this age, I’m going to be furious.
152,000 people will die today but not the one you want.
Awakening a volcano by throwing a rock
Just found some of Moo Deng’s old tweets and woof it’s not looking good
STEPHEN KING WRITING ABOUT LIVING IN NEW ENGLAND: The old man who ran the town dump communed with darkness. He kept a Hand of Glory in a 1982 Boston Bruins mug. Crows and bats were his to command.
ME AFTER MOVING TO NEW ENGLAND: Jesus, I used to think Stephen King made shit up.
Me: Shhh, your brother is still sleeping.
4yo: *runs upstairs
CRASH
JUMP
“Wake up!”
SLAM
*runs back downstairs
“No, he’s not.”
Mom, remember we used to eat donuts?
-my 3 yo, 1 hour after eating a donut
To avoid taking down my Christmas lights, I’m making my house into an Italian restaurant.
Used the words “manic pixie dream boy” in therapy years ago and my therapist had no idea what it referred to and to this day continuously uses a different string of words for it “dream elf pretty boy” “party boy dream something”
it’s sweet how my son likes to swing by and check on me when his rent is due
ANNOUNCEMENT: DENIM CLUB MEETING IS CANCELLED. AVERY RIPPED HIS JEAN VEST AT THE SUPERMARKET. HE’S OKAY, BUT VERY UPSET.
I really do love this time of year — the Christmas music, the twinkle lights, the woman in front of me in line at Costco who just told her husband, “We can give your cousin a pile of dog shit for all I care.”
My 10-year-old is cleaning the kitchen. One roll of paper towels later I have the world’s cleanest kitchen stool.
the one time i draw them and of course it’s a meme
target is planning to open full bars in their stores. my wife will never come home now.
My wife’s so square in bed she has cubic hair
A friend of ours directed a horror movie that’s doing very well, but when he tried to get certain actors to be in it, they refused.
Now he’s sending them emails with the box office receipts and streaming numbers, with the message “Remember when you wouldn’t be in my movie?” 🎃
Me: I need to go to the doctor but my car won’t start.
Mechanic: Did you try jumping it?
Me: Of course, how did you think I broke my legs?
Therapists listen to anything you wanna say. The other day I was like “there is so much hair in the world and I feel like we could be doing something powerful with it but the hairdressers won’t comply” and my therapist just nodded
[emailing eHarmony match]
Her: describe yourself
Me: brown hair, kinda stalky
Her: lol you mean stocky
Me [through her bedroom window]: No