“…This one is TOO big. This one is JUST right.”
-my daughter, picking out her preferred public toilet.
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The 6 types of sex
Which cellphone carrier drops the most calls? I need to get one for my mom.
Look… don’t end your presentation with “Are there any questions?” & then get all pissy when I ask if you can ride a unicycle.
*hot lady looks at me*
Me: Hi! Do I know you?
Lady: No I think I’m mistaken.
*awkward pause*
Me: So…is there a mister taken?
*hit by bus*
Wife: this is why I don’t take you shopping
Me: [hiding in the middle of a department store clothes rack] try to find me
Paper cut-outs of coins don’t work in parking meters in case you were thinking of trying this out on your own.
If you try and fight South Park they will just turn around and do another episode about you. 😬
Twitter is the new Circuit City grift 🤣
Pretty much the only time I WANT to hear about your ex is if she’s standing behind me with a weapon, other than that I’m good.
interviewer: describe yourself
me: you know the urge to awkwardly hobble-run across the road when someone lets you cross? i am basically that energy manifested into an entire person
interviewer: ok
[Tinder]
Dora: Swiper no swiping!
Swiper: Oh mannn…
Jim is short for Jimberly. The short form for James is obviously Jam
*I enter the bank and draw a weapon*
Teller: holy shit
Me: what
Teller: you suck at art
interviewer: why are there so many huge gaps on your resume
me: honestly i’m still sorta figuring out microsoft word
If you don’t think kids will use any excuse to fight, mine are currently arguing over whose fever is higher
I hope you catch the bouquet at my funeral.
[at a dive bar]
Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.
My dad’s visiting soon, which means I need to practice apologizing to waiters with my eyes.
Me: *walks outside*
Mosquitoes: there he is
How do you like your Corgi?
When someone’s ignoring me I like to break into their house at night and steal all their shoes.
We’ll see how busy you are tomorrow.
Dear autocorrect, please stop changing my rude words into nice ones. You piece of shut.
Tonight we discovered 9 memorized my phone code and 6 memorized my husband’s code.
They’re working together, we’re in trouble.
It’s above my pay grade to try to debate or change minds on social media. If you want to call a fish a squirrel, you’re right. Look at that squirrel swim
#MarriedPeopleIssues
You hang up..
No, you hang up…
You hang up….
Noooo, you hang up. They’re your clothes. I’m not your maid.
A little poetry never killed anybody. But haiku keeps trying.
Is it a compliment when someone says, “You look great, I didn’t even recognize you?”
she’s a 10 but excel thinks she’s an October
Fact: A good beer will not lose its label after sitting in a cooler of ice water all week.
Related: Why is there still beer in the cooler??