Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Always strange when the wolves decide to raise you rather than to eat you.

a whale would make a great face mask because no one would be able to get within 100 ft of you

Noah: I need 2 of every animal
Shark: even us?
Noah: no, you can swim
Unicorn: I’m pretty good at swimming
Noah: go for it

If you’re ever worried about what people think, just remember that people once thought smoking cured asthma. People are dumb.

Hey guys if anyone was thinking about asking me to cut their hair I’d strongly encourage against it and any further questions on that can be directed to my boyfriend who is now, as of 20 minutes ago, for reasons no one can quite pinpoint, more or less bald

I no longer need an alarm clock because I’m over 40 and have a bladder.

A zendetta is when you launch a blood feud against a killer who murdered your entire family, but remain pretty chill about the whole thing.

I guess the creator of Pop Rocks was like:

Sugar isn’t enough, they need to detonate

“we will go ahead and make these changes if we don’t hear from you before friday” is such an elegant way to solve problems

😲 WTF? 😆

Customer: do you sell {item}?

Coworker: oh, yeah but I’m just having a hard time getting it in

Me: *resisting the urge to go nudge, nudge, wink, wink, eh?, phrasing boom, that’s what she said*

my first day as a raccoon

I saw a guy at Starbucks today.
No iPhone.
No tablet.
No laptop.
He just sat there.
Drinking coffee.
Like a Psychopath.

All it takes is a “food dreadful, service poor” Yelp review to get your mother-in-law to stop inviting you to Sunday dinner.

Waking up the guy next to me on the plane to tell him to tell the stewardess not to wake me when they come around with snacks

There should be an advanced version of Blue’s Clues with more complicated clues and darker storylines.

HER: I’m leaving you
ME: But why?
HER: There’s just no chemistry between us anymore
CHEMISTRY: Wow, I’m like right here

sorry to the aisle people but window is so unbelievably superior….I am gazing upon the universe from heights pilgrims only dreamed of and you are just….closer to the poopoo room. A place I already go all the time.

Coworker: I ran 5 miles at the gym this morning

Me: Why

Toddlers be like, “excuse me madam that’s my emotional support Walmart receipt.

The pasta is now

People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world.

[In Court]

Does the Defense have any last words?

*defense rises* DE-FENSE

*Judge holds up picket fence*

DE-FENSE

*Jury starts The Wave*

Arthur just couldn’t quite get used to working from home.

my wife: we have to wear what we died in for eternity!?

st. peter: that’s right

me: [from the back end of our horse costume] what’d he say

[After my wife ate my bag of M&Ms I was saving for later]
Wife: You’re being so over-dramatic

Me *texting her back from motel room* am I

If you don’t like someone, set them free. If they come back, use pepper spray.

Then I said, “hi hungry, I’m dad!:

Other dads:

Sometimes I look at my dog and get a little jealous, wondering why nobody ever tells me I’m a good girl when I take a sh*t outside