This one never gets the credit it deserves
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You don’t need flavored coffee. It already has a flavor. Coffee.
i got my shoelace completely entangled around the pedal of a stationary bike at the gym and had to ask a stranger to untangle me, which took a good solid 7 minutes. but sure put me down as your emergency contact
HR informed me that grabbing Janet’s face because she was popping her gum is not “appropriate” but guess who’s not popping their gum anymore?
him: anything to declare
me: i don’t really like soup
everyone else in customs: [GASP]
One of my coworkers keeps stealing my lunch, so I included my favorite cucumber today. Hope she likes it.
Homeschooling, day 8:
People do this willingly?
Sometimes when my husband gets too comfy I like to whisper sexy suggestions like how amazing the neighbor’s lawn has been looking so I can watch him leap out of his chair and rage mow our yard into perfection
They’re called violin bows not fiddle sticks.
My wife calls me a busy beaver ‘cause every time I sit on the toilet I build a damn.
“Do you know what female deer are called?”
“Does”
“Sorry – does you know what female deer are called?”
I don’t own a Roomba vacuum but I do have a dog who follows my kids around while they eat their snacks
Ian: It’s done.
Mafia boss: Did you go anywhere nice?
I: What?
MB: Like a restaurant.
I: I killed him.
MB: I said take him out! Oh god, Tim!
Crazy to think back before camera phones we all used to sit in front of bathroom mirrors with sketch pads.
“My eyes are up here,” I said as I clutched my burrito tighter.
are americans worse off?
in 2012, j crew’s bowery chino cost $79.50. today, the giant chino is $98. that’s a ~23% increase in price but 800% more chino.
Me: What do you want for breakfast?
4yo: Bagel
Me: *makes it
4yo: Tricked you! I wanted toast
Me: Nice trick. Now, eat your bagel
Breadcrumbs on mac and cheese be like here let’s sprinkle some carbs on top of these carbs
Wife: Where are you going?
Me: Out. I can’t stand being hemmed in by four walls.
Wife: How many walls has the pub got? Five?
whoa, 4 ferrets stacked on top of one another wearing a trenchcoat!
“no, it’s me devin, from high school?”
wow ok you did not age well
Door-to-door Christian guy: Jesus loves you.
Me: Really? Just me?
Him: Well, no. He loves everyone.
Me: I don’t have time for players.
I was doing well on my diet until I got my period and had to eat four pieces of pizza, a block of cheese, two candy bars, and seven houses.
I’m the picture of health, but not a very flattering picture. I’m the passport photo of health.
SORRY I REPLACED EVERYTHING IN YOUR FIRST AID KIT WITH BAGS OF BEEF JERKY YOU MIGHT BE MAD NOW BUT YOU’LL THANK ME LATER
Why do I never crave carrots or broccoli at midnight? Why is it always some unhealthy shit like Taco Bell or pizza?
felt cute might bury dad later idk
I may be a chaotic mess, but then so is quantum physics.
*getting caught filling up neighbor’s trash can*
Omg Karen, I just looove your trash can! Where did you get it?
horrifying if literal: the electric slide
My turn ons are naps, cereal, and seeing women that are prettier than me trip over cracks in the sidewalk…
[first day as a tampon designer]
Boss:
Me:
Boss: What kind of work did you do before?
Me: I made expandable dinosaur sponge toys.