Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The only bucket list I have and can finish is at KFC.

I just read that pandas don’t have many opportunities for sex, and then don’t know how to do it. Finally found my spirit animal.

I’m not always a couch potato. For instance, right now I am a chair potato. And later I will be a bed potato.

BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well, you say you’ve kept everything up to code, but I’ve been speaking with your 4 year old and he informed me the floor is actually lava, which—I don’t need to tell you—is a pretty serious safety violation.

I didn’t want to grow up; I just wanted to be able to reach for the cookies.

Big Bad Wolf: I’m here for the cookout

Three Little Pigs: We’re not letting you in

Big Bad Wolf: This blows. Heeeeyyy, wait just a minute!

I shall play you the song of my people
*stomach growls*

ME: thanks for “showing me the ropes” lol

SAILING INSTRUCTOR: you’re not even making a joke sailing is literally where that comes from

‘You have a PhD!’ I whisper encouragingly to myself as I creep, terrified, towards the spider [I don’t, but the spider doesn’t know this]

Avoid getting invited to family reunions by asking your relatives for money.

My car is not officially locked until I hear the horn beep 86 times.

Milk Cube

I am also baked goods

I know I sound like a broken record but tomorrow I’ll sound like a misfiring engine and, next week, continuous loud television static.

A big FUCK YOU to people driving small cars and pulling deep into parking spaces so I think I have a spot until the last second.

What if you went to ET’s planet and all of the other ET’s were wearing clothes.

I took 2 inches off my daughter’s Rapunzel length hair before heading to overnight camp and you’d think I just shaved her head for the army.

Kinda thick horizontal curvy line, two thinner curvy vertical lines, squiggly line, different thicker squiggly line

-Japanese spelling bee

last day before retirement cop: I’ve been shot!
suddenly encased in jelly cop: mmphht

Blood is thicker than water, but rhinoceros poop is thicker than blood, so..

OPTIMIST: this glass is Half Full
PESSIMIST: this glass is Half Empty
GLASS: actually my name is Carl

Oh deer

[at the pool]

4: mama, why are we hiding our stuff?

Me: so nobody steals it

4: but bandits wear black and white. We can see them coming.

Me: most thieves dress like regular people

4: but then you can take off their costumes and you’ll see the black and white

M-I can’t go. My Ewok is sick.

H-Gigi that’s a stuffed animal.

M-

H-

M-Crap. I think you’re right. I bet he ate all my Doritos again.

I play hard to get by barricading the door and holding hostages.

my internet boyfriend is cheating on me with my other internet boyfriend

All firemen must dread the moment when they’re done for the day and have to find the strength to climb back up the pole.

If he stars all your photos that means he’s leaving his wife for you, right?