This one takes the trophy 😭😭
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[God creating cheesecake]
GOD: [stuffing his face] oh man this is so good
ANGEL: shouldn’t u share it?
GOD: [creates lactose intolerance]
me: babe theres a surprise for you under the christmas tree
my cat: *whispering* and also within
It’s as hard to defend Liverpool as it is for Liverpool to defend.
Sometimes I put my cat in the sunroom hoping the coyote who lives out back will charge at it and bounce off the glass.
I want an HGTV show called “How Do You Like Your Open Concept Now?”
What happens when a hippie marries a mime? Peace and quiet.
Matilda could move things with her mind and she could do it without getting a goddamn nosebleed, it burned absolutely no energy for her no matter how heavy the object, therefore she could absolutely destroy Eleven in a schoolyard telekinesis battle. In this essay I will
it sucks that a cape on your back makes you fly but a cape on your front just gets you a haircut
My 6yr old keeps dropping her popsicle on the floor and I rinse it off and she gets mad that the water made it a bit smaller and then she drops it on the floor and I rinse it off and she gets mad that the water made it a bit smaller and then she drops it on the floor and I…
“I think Esmerelda’s in trouble!”
“What makes you so sure, Quasimodo?”
“I have a…”
…
*sunglasses*
…
*turns to camera*
…
hunch.”
I won’t open the garage door because I’m afraid the cast and crew from “Hoarders” will be outside waiting.
not just anyone can be cremated. you have to urn it
<At Duel>
“Draw your weapon”
Me: *frantically trying to sketch a bear with gun legs & a shark head.
*checks my Fitbit to see how many calories rejection burns*
*notices my tinder match has “catholic” in their bio*
me: so how long have u been addicted to cats
If you want a relationship to work, you have to compromise. Maybe you don’t like your partner’s taste in music. Maybe they don’t like the wild raccoons that you let sleep on the bed- while they are forced to sleep on the porch. If you care about each other, you make it work.
The most dangerous game but it’s just me seeing how many pages of a kids book I can skip at bedtime
Hiring Manager: Your resume is impressive but what experience do you have in the field?
Me: Frolicking, stopping to smell the roses- typical field stuff sir
That moment when u get shampoo in your eye
And start wondering what you will name your guide dog.
Isn’t it amazing how drastically a moment can turn scary because of just one word? For example:
I don’t usually break into song. BUT…
couple beside me in restaurant are on a blind date; they both love dogs, sushi, and looking at Tinder while the other one is in the restroom
RIP that guy in the audience of the eric clapton unplugged session whose head literally exploded when he realized the song was “layla”
you can lead a squid to water but you can’t make it ink
I choose my underwear for the day based on how likely I am to have sex.
Today I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway.
“dont get conned into spendin our lottery money”
i wont
[calls wife back]
will 2 sharks fit in our pool?
“NO”
ok
[to salesman]
one shark pls
Don’t be so critical of the human race. This is the first time we’ve destroyed a planet.
9: I want a little personal drone that I can fly in.
Me: That would be a plane.
9: No like a drone with the blades on top that I can get in.
Me: So, a helicopter then.
9: No no small like a drone.
Me: …..
a solar eclipse and a tree is like “aw man I was eating that”
Our new puppy has peed on the floor four times in two hours, beating my previous record by 30 minutes.
I’m soirée for my mispronunciation of French words.