This one takes the trophy 😭😭
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I know I’m not alone but my biggest pet peeve is when one of the residents in my home yells from the kitchen to no one in particular (me), “ARE THE DISHES IN THE DISHWASHER CLEAN OR DIRTY?”
Me: The floor is lava!
Satan: Yes! We just had it redone. It used to be legos. Nice, right?
The beauty industry:
For men: This can be used as a shampoo, body wash, face wash, lotion, mouth wash, tooth paste, engine degreaser, spackle, or sunscreen
For women: We’ve specially formulated this moisturizer for your left elbow
When you get angry at someone count out loud to ten.
When you get to eight, throw a punch. Nobody expects that shit.
This lady was being so rude to me in the grocery line so rather than say anything to her, I invited everyone behind her to go ahead of me. Today, I had time.
Does a sunset actually happen if someone doesn’t take a picture of it and post it on Instagram?
sad to hear it but I hope it’s for the best
When life gives you lemons maybe think to yourself, “that’s really quite remarkable given how far I live from a climate capable of growing citrus.”
9 yo me: wow I love my public library yes I’d like to check out 14 novels that are above my reading level. Be back next week
Me now: wow I love my public library yes I would like to check out one—I believe it’s called a Bööke? I will be back in 3-5 business months
*a dog sits down at a roulette table and pushes his life savings in chips to the center*
Put it all on Grey
Her: How would you describe that green sheep?
Me: I don’t know. Olive ewe?
Her: I knew you’d say it first! I love you too!
Entrapment 101
I decided to stop wearing bamboo t-shirts after I got attacked by a family of koalas.
Remember: It’s not stalking if you don’t see me.
“I want to see my lawyer” – grilled chicken
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet ice cube just melted in his apple juice
ME: thanks for “showing me the ropes” lol
SAILING INSTRUCTOR: you’re not even making a joke sailing is literally where that comes from
Asking my boyfriend if he’d still love me if I was one of those weird aliens that drank coffee and babbled angrily at Men in Black passing by
“I will look for you. I will find you. And I will kill you.” -Liam Neeson opening a Where’s Waldo book
I’ve had 3 men proclaim their love for me since the Coronavirus hit, so how’s your quarantine going?
-Come on, it’s time to go
-No
-We are going to be late
-I hate school
-But Mum, you have to take me!
I didn’t realize how much of parenting is yelling “It’s not a touchscreen!”
New York: The city that never sleeps.
Berlin: The city that never sleeps until Sunday.
Paris: The city that never sleeps alone.
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
[first day as a doorman]
me: bye, thanks for coming
sperm bank manager: *pulling me to the side* this was literally the first thing we talked about
my grandfather spent many decades & his entire life savings unsuccessfully trying to develop & grow the world’s first ham sandwich tree
The opposite of a meat lover’s pizza is a veggie hater’s pizza, which is weirdly THE SAME THING.
Telling our kids we were born before the Internet is going to be the new ‘I walked to school in the snow without shoes’
Shout out to all the dormant volcanoes out there, just chillin’, keepin’ that magma to themselves and whatnot.
ME: How do I tell Billy his grampa died?
WIFE: Just say he went up to the sky…{later}
ME: Your grampa’s on the International Space Station
I get it, McFlurry machine. I don’t work when I’m at work either.