This one takes the trophy 😭😭
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In my meager defense, I was in no way aware the gingerbread houses were entries in a contest.
Tired of being single? Just lower your standards a bit. My new girlfriend is a coconut taped to a mop.
{Goldfish Funeral}
GOLDFISH 1: We’ll never forget him
GOLDFISH2: Forget who?
G1: What are you talking abo-OH MY GOD WHAT HAPPENED TO TEDDY?!
2 things I hate;
1)Hypocrites
2)and people who don’t finish anyth
i’m torn between getting my own personal jesus or getting a large jesus to share with the whole table
Hey girl, do you like bad boys? *tries to look cool by flicking my cig, but it’s an e-cig so I have to run and get it*
Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not buying McDonald’s. What do you want me to make?
Child: A Big Mac.
When Kanye rapped “Jesus was a truth seeker, he got crucified/ I bought a moose from a zookeeper, I got moosified”, I felt that
I wish the entire planet could come together as one and agree to refer to Kanye as Kanye Kardashian so we can bask in his shattered ego.
Her: I like a guy who’s mechanically inclined
Me: *tilts my chair back all the way*
Her: no, I mean good with cars
Me: *hits play on the movie Cars*
[5:30AM]
BRAIN: I’ll just go to the bathroom, but keep my eyes closed so I don’t wake up.
BODY: I’ll just clip my head on the door frame.
I was tired of my kids asking me to put the same 7 songs on for them 9,000 times a day, so I taught them how to do it themselves.
I am not a smart woman.
SCIENTIST: Dear God! Were… were you chewing bubble gum when you went through the teleporter??
ME, a pink, lumpy man-shaped blob: Uh… no.
SCIENTIST: Oh… sorry.
North Korea claiming they test fired a big rock at Russia.
You ever walk behind someone and you haven’t seen their face yet but you just KNOW they have a mustache
When I see a flash mob in public I immediately join in to make it seem like they didn’t practice enough.
[You’re at Gwyneth Paltrow’s house and the power goes out]
NO. DEAR GOD, NO!
What’s the deal with everyone liking unicorns? They’re horses with dildos on their heads. Dragons, people. DRAGONS.
I just found a marshmallow Santa in my desk drawer, I’m guessing I shouldn’t eat it.
*wipes chocolate from mouth
There is nothing more enjoyable than watching a child being chased by a seagull.
Lately I do feel like my body and I are in a passive-aggressive fight that’s rapidly escalating.
Me: This escape room sucks
My boss: This is a budget meeting…
[Being chased by killer]
Me: *Frantically tries to finish my Amazon order*
Roommate stood in line at midnight to get the new Grand Theft Auto. While he was waiting, someone stole his car. Irony is the best game!
[street fight]
Come at me bro!!
*guy rips off his shirt revealing bulging muscles
*I rip off my shirt revealing another shirt & run away
My grandma just called to tell me that if “I’m really a lesbian it’s okay, because that girl from Juno is and she is very rich.”
Me: Damn. Another gray hair. *plucks it*
Old man standing next to me: Ouch!
nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: i didn’t need it, there was a toilet