This one takes the trophy 😭😭
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Karate isn’t always the solution but when it is, it’s the ONLY solution
An old white man in a beard bestowing gifts from the sky? Please.
Her: (emerges from the sea, beach waves glistening in the sunshine)
Me: (washes ashore topless looking like Sigmund the Sea Monster)
Employment is basically an arranged marriage with your coworkers.
My husband got *me* a fitness game for the Nintendo for Christmas.
I was like “what are you trying to say?”
Now the kids are at level 130 and wearing themselves out daily while out of my hair.
Turns out he’s a great gift giver.
Waiter: How did you find your meal, sir?
Me: Yeah, it was nice.
Waiter: That’s not what I meant and you know it.
Me: Another waiter told me where you hid it.
[college career fair]
Me: I cheated my way through school, lied to professors & learned nothing, FML
*CIA recruiter hires me on the spot*
The kids report cards are coming out today so I’m excited to see how I did.
*sees Jaws in my yard* we’re gonna need a bigger milkshake
This is the ideal male body. You may not like it but this is what peak performance looks like.
I want to be the person in every McDonald’s whose job is to sit on the sandwiches just before they go into the bag.
I get real disrespectful with serving sizes. A bag is not gonna tell me what to do.
Oh boy, I am desperate!
My bowels do churn.
Too many tacos!
I never will learn.
Pardon me, Sir!
I believe it’s my turn.– Horton Has to Poo
[chess tournament]
RIVAL: [plays move]
ME: [knocks board aside. punches rival in face] Chess!
COMMENTATOR: He’s won every round this way
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? Because your man’s out here denying you exist.
I’m NOT Superman.
What appears to be a red and yellow S on my chest is just the result of a rather fortuitous mustard and ketchup stain.
Remember when all we had to worry about was a little poop on our lettuce?
Overheard in 2nd grade class today:
“Do your work! Santa’s watching right now.”
“Yeah, my mom told me that ship has sailed for me long ago.”
My family has been giving each other the same eight gift bags since 1973.
Instead of sending a letter in a bottle, go one step further. Bottle up all your feelings, then throw yourself out into the ocean.
I always keep a baseball bat under my bed. You know, in case someone breaks in and throws a ball at me.
You don’t need to worry about being attacked by a shark anymore. I just threw a toaster in the ocean.
No matter how bad a day I’m having at work at least there’s no point during which I have to run 1 mile for a grade right after eating then change back into my clothes and resume work.
[family therapy]
JIMMY: My dad turns everything into a movie reference
DOC: Why do you do that?
ME: I want to develop a bond, James. Bond
When I’m having a bad day nothing sets me off quite like trying to pull one wipe out of the container and 47 more coming with it
ME: *dies*
DEATH: Welcome to the afterlife.
ME: How do I get to Heaven?
DEATH: *points* Go up those stairs.
ME: What about Hell?
DEATH: *points* Go down those stairs.
ME: And Limbo?
DEATH: *points* Just duck under that bar.
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the even worster of times, it was the most worster-est ever of times.
For International Women’s Day, I’d like to recognize my sister wife. Without her I’d have to manage my kids’ timeouts and nag my husband all by myself. Thank you, Alexa.
Look, you can tell me what to do in an emergency and that’s fine, but I’m going to do what I do best, and that is panic.
Absolutely fucking crushed it on teams today lads
