This one takes the trophy 😭😭
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Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: The warrant probably
Officer: You have a broken… what
Me: What
HER [sits seductively on my lap] The more you tip…the more I’ll take off
ME [reaches for wallet] This is such a weird way to cut hair
My favorite deleted scene from Lord of the Rings is when Bilbo & Frodo discover they have a long lost hipster cousin called Douche Baggins.
I drink Rockstar cause I’m a rockstar. My wife drinks Monster.
Would love to see a reality show where they promise the prize will “change contestants lives FOREVER”…and it’s a brain swap with a cow.
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector and fire is real.
They should advertise estimated end times for concerts where the crowd’s average age is over 30.
My 5 yo lost her first tooth and wanted to bring her tooth fairy swag to school to flex on her friends. This included the white “fairy dust” (baking soda). So, I sent my kid into preschool with a little bag of white powder for show and tell. Follow me for more parenting tips.
When you’re feeling nice so you stop and get a couple dozen donuts for your crew. But then you gotta leave em in your car until the gravy sucking ingrate non reciprocating 1st shift crew goes home so your crew can actually eat them.
Please, call me Seahorse. Mr. Seahorse was my mother.
My wife is now fully vaccinated so [uses her as a human shield wherever we go]
hey we’re calling off the search party. we found a different guy out there we like more
it takes a big man to admit when he’s wrong but it takes an even bigger man to give a giraffe a haircut
me: I invited my boss to dinner
her: I thought you hated him
me: I didn’t have any choice
my boss: should I leave?
I was lifeguarding and a little boy threw his ball out of the water and his mom goes “maybe if you ask the pretty lifeguard she will grab the ball for you!” This kid looked me dead in the eye and goes “…..where’s the pretty one?” KIDS ARE RUTHLESS LMAO
My toxic trait is checking my phone at 3am like there’s going to be something good waiting there.
“why is all our cereal stale?!?!”
my 9 yo says as he puts away the clearly wide open cereal box back in the pantry.
Anne Boleyn: My love, I wait for but one word from you
Henry VIII: New phone who dis
Anne: Your wife
Henry VIII: Lol which one
yeah i’d have thought so, he’s a cat
plot twist: satan sold his soul to me
“What did I ever see in him?” – the Invisible Man’s ex
What do you call an alligator thats wearing a vest?
An investigator.
My BFF asked me to watch her purse while she went to the bathroom.
I asked her what it was going to do.
I’m hilarious. Everyone says so.
Got charged with impersonating a police officer, which would’ve been a lot less embarrassing had I not been a serving police officer at the time.
Growing a beard is the closest I’ve come to caring for an animal.
“WELL MAYBE IF YOU DIDN’T CALL THEM THROW PILLOWS!”
*I yell as I’m being escorted out of Bed Bath & Beyond…
Hey dude, can i borrow your laptop? I want to shop for a new computer but it feels cruel to do that on the one I’m replacing.
Jesus: Honor my sacrifice by refusing meat on all holy days and each Friday.
John the fisherman: *slides Jesus $20*
Jesus: Also, Fish isn’t meat.