This one takes the trophy 😭😭
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Me: “I’d like to return this lube because it doesn’t work right”
Walmart associate: “Ma’am, that’s hand sanitizer”
Person behind me: “I’ll take it!”
Most people think that being in your 50s is now classed as the new 30s.
Take my word for It, the police speed cameras think differently
Today a kindergartener asked me if he could ask me a question and I said “sure” and then he did a somersault.
Due to traffic, I didn’t show up on time for the start of my wife’s art opening and so for the rest of the evening she introduced me as her late husband.
I just killed a huge bug on the back porch with my shoe. No one steals my shoe.
Just found Elf on the Shelf in the bottom of my lingerie drawer. This explains so many things
Just asked my husband if he wants to have sex. He said no and went back to his puzzle. Good to know I sill got “it”.
My kid just yanked out a loose tooth and set it next to the flowers he got me, and is that…is that part of the gift
I put my pants on like everyone else.
with hope they still fit.
If you see me shaking in my boots that’s just how I dance ok?!
for a small fee i’ll attend your funeral from a distance wearing a cowboy hat while standing in the rain and crying, no umbrella, so your family thinks you might have been buzz lightyear.
I’m really hungry, so I’m going to eat an apple and promote myself to starving.
Saw a Fed Ex driver screaming out the window of his truck “we da real Santa Claus.” New York is the best.
Out of curiosity I decided to look at Pinterest, and I’ve decided it’s basically cyber-hoarding…
Her: Does that dog actually play chess?
Me: He’s not so smart. I beat him 2 games out of 3.
*Dog Barks
Me: Alright, 1 game out of 3.
Me: Clean up your toys off the floor.
4-year-old: You have to clean, too.
Me: They’re your toys.
4: It’s your floor.
When the vet gives my cat a pill vs when I give my cat a pill.
Saw Satan was trending and was worried that he died…
The other day a number of people at work told me that I had a lovely healthy glow about me and had caught the sun a little. I was far too embarrassed to tell them it was actually a rather uncomfortable eczema flare up
Before you say you want to be treated like a king or queen, just remember that a lot of them were beheaded.
*goes to the park*
*spoon feeds red bull to the ducks*
I’m gonna wait for my aunt to finish her coffee before I tell her I kinda backed into her car just a little this morning. Seems like the right thing to do.
[aquarium]
*penguin strapped on my back*
Ma’am, is that a penguin on your back?
No, it’s just a backpack.
Oh, WHAT’S IN IT?!
um, fish
My wife’s late for work because I unplugged her alarm so I could charge my phone. She’s mad, but at least I can tell you guys about it.
I wish there was enough room on TV for another show called Judge Judy, but where people just stood around criticizing a woman named Judy.
Me: What does that cloud look like to you?
3-year-old: A cloud.
Me: No, what do you imagine it could be?
3-year-old: Rain.
Dylan Thomas: Do not go gentle into that good night… Rage, rage against the dying of the light…
*cut to me already Hulk-smashing a lamp
Paranormal investigator: “Who’s there?”
Gen X ghost: “Your mom.”