This one takes the trophy 😭😭
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Quarantine Day 21: Turns out I don’t hate my coworkers as much as I thought I did.
Me: Ohhh, MARITAL arts workshop…now I really feel stupid in this karate outfit.
Wife to therapist: Do you see what I’m dealing with here?
2 pacs of eminems for 50 cents? Man that’s Ludacris
although you definitely do get used to it after a while, the most annoying thing about being 5’11 is that when you’re out in public, you constantly overhear people saying “holy shit, that’s the tallest person i’ve ever seen in my life”
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
M: so I’ve been thinking
*all of the light bulbs in the house shatter*
HER: so I hear you’re a runner
ME: yes
OTHER COP: *handcuffs me to the desk* good to know
The secret to making a good egg is the way you ap-poach it.
*a man in the audience has a stroke and dies from being so angry at this joke*
I realize I put this off but how much weight can I lose in 2 hours?
Me: Ah-chooo!
CW: Allergy season! Is there something in here irritating you?
Me: Everyday.
I don’t trust scrapbookers because I feel it’s a slippery slope to ransom letters
When they say “all expenses paid” does that include bail?
I can never go to sleep without a bedtime story*
*listening to a Dateline podcast
Me: What makes you think I have trouble letting go?
Her: You woke me up at 3am to ask that?
“The future is yours!”
Me: [Looking around] No thank you.
I’d rather my son bring home a pregnant girl than head lice
“I’ve led you this far so the LEAST you can do is drink, dammit!”
Reporter: Is it true you delivered a pig with TWO heads?!
Farmer: Yes I did
Farmer’s second head: WE did
“Hey, watch your mouth!” I yell at the woman in this park that’s just letting her pet mouth run around all willy nilly.
A truck loaded with Vicks VapoRub overturned on the interstate. Police report there is no congestion in the area.
If the Earth was really flat, all the cats would have pushed everything off it by now.
[Cat birthday party]
*Cat opens gift from her husband*
“It’s…an empty box.”
*silence*
“Oh honey, I love it!”
Me too 😆
Friend: How many girls did you date before you met your wife?
Me: That was so long ago. Who really rememb-
Wife: Thirty-seven
A police officer just stopped me due to the terrible state of the sleeve on my cardigan, which is covered in small balls of thread. I’ve been charged with grievous bobbly arm 😔
I’m sorry sir, your wife didn’t make it.
Was it *sniff* the lack of prayers on Facebook?
Yes sir, I’m afraid it was.
*watching the first MI, Tom Cruise sends a message to max@job 3:14
me: pfft that’s not a valid email address format, no wonder it’s called Mission Impossible
wife:
me: I mean some of the other stuff seems pretty improbable too
Got a new stove today and then ordered a pizza because I don’t want to ruin it by getting it dirty or anything.
20 years ago I dreamed of traveling the world.
Now I dream of my kids actually getting dressed when they go upstairs to get dressed.
My safe word is extra cheese
…in queso emergency.