Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You’d think being an introvert is less dangerous, but I just ran across 3 lanes of traffic to avoid interacting with a crossing guard.

I’d get down on my knees and pitch my gardening skills but I don’t want to sell myself short.

God will never give you more than you can handle, unless you were born in the wrong place or don’t have money. That makes God super mad.

Writing Tip: Learn the letters. YES all of them. Regardless of what you write they’ll come in handy. Try experimenting w/ diff combinations.

If your online dating profile says “I don’t have sex on the first date” then that’s why you’re on a dating website.

One of the hotels in town has just refurbished their lobby area, and it looks like their rivals are going to do the same. Sometimes you just have to fight foyer with foyer.

If you’re moving to a new house for a “fresh start,” congratulations your new house is haunted.

“I’m so sorry”

“No, I’m really sorry”

“No, I’m even sorrier than you”

“No, I’m the sorriest ever!”

*mutual hug*

-Canadian rap battle

She gives you butterflies.
She makes your hands sweat.
She sends chills down your spine.

She just gave you her stomach virus.

Guys, if you leave my tweet at the top of your timeline two days in a row, I’m sending out engagement announcements.

If the doctor doesn’t know and just refers you to another doctor, they should refund you.

Dental Hygenist: can I ask a question?

Me: You’ve had your fingers in my mouth for 15 minutes, ask whatever you want

My 8 year old son got a Wonka Bar for Christmas. His friend said that he didn’t know they sold them in real life & my son said of course they Oompa loompa doompety doo.

Watching an episode of Star Trek (original series) and my 8 year old says the uniforms remind her of The Wiggles.

I can’t unsee it now

chatgpt is an answer to the “older cousin deficit” we didn’t know we had. we need someone to tell us, with utmost confidence, that cockroaches can live for 3 years without a head, that smoking peanut shells gets you high, the *truth* about how katanas are made, with no sources.

If you tell your coworkers you sleep in the nude, no one bothers you when you close your office doors at 2pm every day.

Drunk yoga, but it’s me trying to get the last drop out of my boxed wine.

The craziest moment in my life was when my daughter was born. The second craziest was when they made us leave the hospital with her two days later, like we knew what we were doing

I read all men’s tweets in the voice of Homer Simpson. Especially the sex tweets.

My baby bump popped this week, and I’m still waiting for the maternity clothes I ordered to arrive. If you see me walking around looking like Winnie the Pooh, just mind ya business.

Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?

Me: A lot.

Would you rather live without coffee or without Wi-Fi?

our bidet has two settings: babbling brook or pressure wash 30-year-old grime off the sidewalk

If anyone wants a tiger let me know. I bought one but he’s being a d-bag and won’t wear the matching sunglasses I bought us.

Getting ready to go on vacation is just me making sure the house is super clean so that if we get robbed, the robbers can say “they don’t have shit but these countertops are amazing!”

Wine doesn’t have many vitamins. That’s why you have to drink a lot of it.

My toddler just sneezed into the fridge, so I have to cancel all of our plans for the next two weeks because my family will be taking turns having the plague.

A taser but for people who say “it is what it is”.

doctor: are u sexually active

me: no i just sort of lay there