This one takes the trophy 😭😭
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When I saw her eating a whole chicken like it was corn on the cob, I knew she was the one for me.
My husband said we should have a ‘date night’
I wonder why he didn’t like it when I introduced him to my date? Husbands, go figure.
Before any important social event or engagement I like to lightly spritz myself with a bit of hollandaise
Grandmas be like, “My grandchild murdered someone? Oh, poor baby was probably just overtired.”
Some bloke on FB called me a clown. Now I’ve got to go hide under his bed with a knife cause that’s what clowns do.
Bought a house plant so I wouldn’t be the only one dying of dehydration around here
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
You smell of bins.
*buys a 3D printer*
*prints a 3D printer*
*returns 3D printer for a refund*
waitress on law & order: oh yeah, he came in for lunch three months ago with a pretty brunette. they sat at table 3 and had an argument
me as a waitress: you’re telling me this man with a limp, a scar, and a funny hat came in yesterday? sure, maybe. don’t remember
jigsaw: I have injected you with a deadly poison
me [sitting in a chair]: OMG
jigsaw: if you want to live the antidote is on the other side of the room
me: I don’t understand, I’m not tied up?
jigsaw: *places sleeping kitten on my lap*
me: goodbye cruel world
me: [angrily flipping over table] I TOLD U I HATE BOARD GAMES U CHEATING LITTLE SHIT
daughter: once again, how does one cheat at hungry hungry hippos
ME: I can’t find my glasses
SON: They’re on your head
ME: [beer spilling down my face] lmao not again
me: [trying to be cool af at the bar] gimme a beer
bartender: what kind
me: the…the drinking kind
Nice try, cheese graters, cheese is already great.
Always love it when Members of Congress say they disagree w/ intel community’s analysis. Like having your plumber review your root canal.
[FIRST DATE]
Her: I’m a vegan
Me: [*trying to impress her] People hate me too
My New Years resolution is to be more of an enabler, like yes girl text your ex
Me: I’m hard at work
HR: this is why you’re fired
Husband grabbed bagel sandwiches for breakfast (hunting)
I stayed in bed liking TikToks for us to watch later (gathering)
*pulls curtain back while wife is in the shower*
me: Are we – stop screaming, it’s just me- are we out of Cheetos?
Sorry babe when you said “let’s go for a run” I thought you meant for coffee, not actual exercise and that’s on me
bro what is going on at twitter
I’ve changed a lot as a parent after 4 kids. My oldest started school knowing a lot of random academic things. My 4th will start school knowing the lyrics to Queen. We will find out which method works best in like 20 yrs or so.
They should have a big dishwasher that you can drive your car into so you don’t have to wash it by hand. I’ll let someone else have this idea, goodnight twitter.
The lady at the passport office just said to the man in line: The Walgreens down the street takes great pictures.
I said: I, too, am incredibly photogenic.
Me: please wait a little longer
Her: you’re a liar and I’m leaving!
She turns and storms off. A few seconds later, the baseball I threw all the way around the world whizzes into my glove. It’s too late. It took too long. I must train to throw harder if I’m ever to find a wife.
Got the trays mixed up after dinner at a Chinese place. Ate the check & paid a fortune.
Darth Vader: Luke
Luke: ya
Darth Vader: [heavy breathing] I am your father
Luke: um ok
Darth Vader: Also I’m vegan
Luke: NNNNNOOOOOOOOO
If I ever meet Morgan Freeman:
Wanna just come back to my place and sit at the end of my bed and tell me a bedtime story?
Please. nobody has to know.
My teen son told me that he plans on talking like Chewbacca if a teacher calls on him today, so I guess I better start practicing my Wookiee for that parent teacher phone call later today.