Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why hasn’t anyone stopped him?

Hey y’all, I finally got a smart phone. I’m a big girl now!

Anyone got a 5 year old I can borrow to teach me how to use the damn thing?

[first date with woman who has a kid]

HER: i’m a single mom

ME: yeah no shit, how many moms did you think i thought you were

Having a fiancée is the closest feeling to finding a cool rock as a kid.
Like I just found her out in the wild, but she’s in my house now and even though I didn’t do anything I’m oddly proud.
Like, “Look! Look how pretty she is! No don’t pick her up only I’m allowed to do that.”

The heaviest things in the world:

4) iron

3) lead

2) tungsten

1) a toddler who doesn’t want to be picked up

Wife: How is he?

Doctor: To be honest, he’s like a fish out of water

Wife: He’s in unfamiliar surroundings?

Doctor *pushes glasses up nose* he’s dead

Husband: Wouldn’t it be easier to buy a larger size jeans?

Me: (on roof) Just hold out my skinny jeans for me to jump into like we planned!

ME: When Princess Leia kissed Luke, did you know they were brother and sister?

GEORGE LUCAS: *laying in bed* How did you even get in here?

Me: Well kid, someday all this will be yours. *motions to my Twitter account*

4-year-old: Susie’s dad has a boat.

👻

Thanks for pointing out that I misspelled a word that I completely made up.

I stand incorrected.

Lie about the gap in your resume. Tell them you had to help hobbits take a ring to Mordor or something

[in restaurant]

“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”

“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.

Dwayne Johnson, paper, scissors

Climate Change is just a scam to sell more Climate.

maybe my uterus is haunted, or maybe there’s an actual shark up there

Good Cop: *reaches for his gun*

Intimate Moment Cop: *reaches for the same gun and their hands touch*

I’m sorry, I don’t have the energy to walk a mile in your shoes. I’m just going to go ahead & judge you.

What sort of drug abuse and debauchery has to occur in someone’s life for them to start liking Charmin Toilet Paper on Facebook?

Coffee so strong I’m starting to believe I’m The Flash.

Hey I know I said never to text me again and I hope you die, but do you remember the name of that movie where the one sister is murdered and the other takes on her identity?

[getting kidnapped]

me: you deserve better

been a while since romaine lettuce has tried to kill us.

*finally finds comfiest position in bed*

bladder: so you’re not going to believe this

Was watching that new walking dead and it was really good. They ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran fr

maybe its the cursed amulet talking, but [thousands of locusts fly from my mouth and form a living treasure map on the ceiling]

I’ve started thinking in CNN. ‘Am I going to have a cup of coffee? Looking at historical trends, you would say yes. But! I am very comfortable. Maybe someone else will get me one. Maybe I’ll fall asleep. We’ll know more an hour from now. Back to you, Wolf.’

My 10yo programmed Alexa so that when he asks, “Who am I?”, she responds, “You’re the king and you’re better than everybody. Deal with it, peeps!”

I am so, so embarrassed that I didn’t program her first.

Eve: *chewing* what was that thing we weren’t supposed to eat?

God: please tell me you didn’t eat the apple

Eve: *licking fingers* oh haha no

God: …where’s Adam?

we all know this pain all too well