Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What if Capri Suns became self-aware and started stabbing us back?

I hate when I lose an argument and then seventeen years later I think up a witty come back.

[i drop my costco card in front of a hot girl] haha WOOPS! accident. yeah i have a costco membership. not really a big deal tbh

Boss: Where’d you go??
Me: I got all the way up front and realized I forgot my pen.
Boss: Okay?
Me: So I went to lunch.

oh you like road-trips? name every road then

My husband and I often laugh about how competitive we are, but I laugh more.

I never ran away from home but when I was six I asked everyone else in the house to move out.

It’s a dad joke because the corniness is readily a parent.

[me as a disc jockey]
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop singing over the songs

Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you wonder what crazy foot deformity she has that her shoes won’t fit anyone else in the kingdom.

i actually want my products tested on animals, if a bear doesn’t like the ps5 i know i won’t either

Married men aren’t allowed to go the grocery store alone because we’re the kid in the shopping cart, but with money

8y/o: What’s sex?
ME: [slightly uncomfortable] Umm. Well, what it is, umm-
8y/o: [to friend] Told ya he wouldn’t know. Pay up

Girlfriend: Are you cheating on me?

Me: You sound like my wife.

I’ve decided to become a huge sellout and abandon my core values for cheap cash. Who want to buy my values?

…Anybody?

Hmmm… I thought this would be easier.

I scream,
You scream,
We all scream because grandma is visiting for Christmas and she forgot her hearing aids again.

It’s nice that my vacuum has a headlight just in case I want to clean in the dark or wake my dog up thinking he’s getting hit by a train.

if you didn’t want me to hide in your closet you shouldn’t have said you had the hiccups

I’m sorry I’m late, but my 2yo had to say goodbye to the muffins in the grocery store.

watch only the first and last episodes of How I Met Your Mother. you’re welcome

He told me I cut my steak like a serial killer, so I whispered “What makes you think this is steak?” While I stroked his thigh with a knife.

“The old lady I see in the park every day has had her house raided.”
“Sniffer dogs?”
“No, I usually just say good morning to her”.

It’s only a tidal wave when it’s headed toward you, if it’s headed away that’s a toodle wave.

Establish dominance by signing every office card with Happy Birthday, regardless of the topic.

[restaurant]
ME: I think I’ll have the soup
HER: What soup?
ME: Not much, just ordering soup

Well thank you auto correct for changing “I wish you were here” to “I wish you were her”. I didn’t wanna have sex anyways.

I’m totally against race mixing–I mean how can these horses seriously compete in NASCAR

Make friends with an enemy today. Hug them. Caress their cheek. Lick their eyeball. Cough directly into their mouth.

There’s a Baseball field in Finland that has a river camera. The results are what I’d expect.