This one time, a work colleague declared The Avengers to be a better film than The Dark Knight.
That was a busy day in HR, I can tell you.
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We don’t have Taco Bell in South Africa because this country’s been through too much already.
I have a kidney to donate. It’s not mine, so I don’t know much about it.
Breaking News: Man shaped like a garbage bag full of potato salad upset with outcome of sporting event.
“Hermit crab” describes me twice.
Honestly people shouldn’t even be allowed to talk until they’re like 35 years old.
I wish Costco offered samples at the liquor and electronics department
Inspired by T.G.I.Fridays, I opened a place called C.L.I.Thursdays. It closed down though because most guys couldnt find it
Gravity, at all times, is trying to pull your pants down
My roommate wants to have sex with me so bad. I don’t think he understands how marriage works.
Dad: I’m sorry sweetie, times are hard so we had to send your pony sprinkles to the glue factory
Sprinkles: *at the conveyor putting lids on glue bottles* this is some bullshit
Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
Me: I miss baseball
Umpire: Strike one!
Dog keeps sighing melodramatically. I know he wants me to ask him what’s wrong, but I’m not falling for it.
I have to ugly cry for the facial recognition to work.
Doctor’s receptionist: Reason for your visit?
Me [covered in roofing material]: I have shingles.
necessity is the mother of invention
Dr: How are your new pills working?
Me: I cry, eat & want to sleep a lot
Dr: Those are common side effects
Me: Oh. They’re working fine then
I’m still waiting for the day my parents will say, “It’s all fake, we are millionaires, this was just to teach you to be humble”.
dad just confused an episode of full house with a memory of our actual family and I had to be like no that wasn’t us you watched that on full house
SURGEON (who is an octopus): scalpel
NURSE: [sweating trying to figure out what arm to hand it to] yup one second
I found a video of a duck falling asleep and I’m convinced it’s the cutest video ever
Me: gentleman of this truck stop bathroom, please boo that kid for not washing his hands
All: BOOOO!
kid: I am telling mom
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch just one video.
The forest creatures begin stampeding.
You turn to me, clearly scared.
“We have no reason to fear the animals,” I reassure you.
You smile nervously. “Thank go—”
“Worry about whatever’s spooking them.”
Friend: when you first meet, tell her she looks prettier in person
Me: ok
[Later]
Her: Hi!
Me: Hi you look uglier online
*first day as a cop*
What if they arrest me back
This staff meeting could have been a haiku.
It’s almost as if the kids at this campsite don’t get how funny it is that I bust in their tent at 4am wearing a clown suit & holding an ax.
The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our dachshund is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.