Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i just gave a homeless guy $20 but do u see me looking for praise (the answer is: yes)

No. I wasn’t being sarcastic.

I was being a giraffe.

*drinks Grey Goose

*adds bird fanatic to the resume

Christ! How many beers did I have last night?!

All of my horoscopes lately have started with “Ok, don’t freak out but…”

Son: the devil made me do it

Me: what did I say about that

Son: not to call my sister the devil

Thank God I wasn’t on twitter when I was in college. It would’ve taken me 65 years to get my degree.

I’m like a candle: I’m cute, I smell nice, and there’s a pretty good chance I’ll set your curtains on fire if left unattended.

Witches’ brews are full of newtrients.

Did you know a tornado with no debris is called a naked twister?

Related: This evening is not going how I imagined.

Sometimes I will do a very simple self-care thing like putting lotion on my hands before bed and be like “that was so easy, I will do this every day” and then forget that I even have hands for the next 6 years.

Being off twitter for so long gave me the time to appreciate what’s really important in life, so I’m back on twitter

putting a blanket over my boss so he thinks it’s night time and goes to sleep

One of My Ex’s was absolutely beautiful. But, it didn’t workout because all she wanted to do was SWING.

I miss third grade.

Wicked Witch: “I’ll get you and your little dog too!”

Toto: “Da f**k I do?”

The council are threatening to fine me just because I put my recycling in the wrong box. Apparently the red one is only for post.

When I was a child I dreamed of being an old west cowboy. When I grew up I realized they didn’t have toilet paper with aloe.

I’ll be in the yard for a bit. If anyone asks, I’m outstanding.

if i got $5 every time i thought of u i would start thinking of u

When your computer’s memory runs out that’s ramnesia

College Math: Your kid lives in a dorm room the size of a matchbox. When she moves home, her belongings fill every inch of an entire house. How is it possible? Calculator allowed. Show your work.

[Commercial for lawnmowers]
[Exhausted looking guy stood in his garden]
*Stabs a long sword into the grass*
“There has to be a better way”

Friend: OMG! What happened to your hands?!

Me, thinking about how I burned them pulling a naan apart: oh I was grilling a steak and the flames were out of control.

Columbus: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Well–
Columbus: *just yanks me out of my car and drives off in it*

It has come to my attention that at this time last year I may have dared 2018 to “come at me,” and it did.

Dear 2019: I don’t want to cause any trouble. Please put down that broken bottle so we can get along.

Man: dog is my best friend

Dog: man is aight I guess

Pisces: A coworker will compliment your fashion sense this week. With each passing day your human disguise grows more convincing.

It’s Friday after 2, setting automatic replies in outlook to just say “Chimichanga” with no further explanation.

Nurse: *places newborn in my arms*

Me: *has misplaced my coffee cup every morning for the last 9 yrs* I can do this.

early stone age tool