This one time, a work colleague declared The Avengers to be a better film than The Dark Knight.
That was a busy day in HR, I can tell you.
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Me: *plucking hedge as my lord passes by*
Lord: oh manservant
Me: yes, my lord?
Lord: You trim this hedge with such care that when you’ve reached the end, the rest will again be quite overgrown. Thus, your toil ever continues?
Me: yes, my lord
Lord: *chuckling* delightful 🙂
[sitting in the front seat of an UberPool while a couple makes out hardcore in the back]
[at a red light, the driver and i suddenly lock eyes]
me: do ya wanna…?
uber driver: no
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
ME: i’m having a lovely time tonight
my date: why do u keep yelling “ME” before every sentence
Was driving to a doctor’s appointment and ended up at my favorite donut shop so life does find a way
Do bouncers get paid in toothpicks or are they a part of their uniform, or what exactly is the deal here?
If you drive a Hummer, I will assume you are a douchebag. If aforementioned Hummer is bright yellow, I will crown you their king.
Guys! Everybody needs to stop Kung Fu fighting. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
Voted most likely to power walk into a volcano
I just imagined what it would be like to cut eyeholes in a slice of provolone cheese and wear it like a mask. So yeah I’m fine.
I’ve learned enough Spanish to dream in Spanish, but I can’t understand what the fuck anyone is saying 😀
So are these single women just throwing themselves against walls as they masturbate?
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
That’s the last time I follow some dude into the woods just because he tells me he’s a wizard.
gf: [crying] I love him
gf’s dad: if you love him let him go
gf: [lets go]
me: [falling to my death] that’s not what it
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There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.
a bloodbath has got to be the least effective type of bath
To anybody who thinks being self-employed means you don’t have to work for a boss you hate, I have terrible news
ME: *doing crossword* What’s another word for upside-down?
WIFE: Inverted?
ME: No, in English Sharon.
I’m so poor I can’t even pay for my own consequences.
Homosexuality was still classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979. Swedes protested by calling in sick to work saying they felt gay.
“Because of the number of nerve endings, a hangnail is among the most painful things a human can experience.” but the nurse completely ignored me and rudely continued telling my wife to push through the contractions.
Finished the cable concealer project. Finally my wife will be so proud of me
Welcome to adulthood: you’re not hungover it’s just Tuesday.
Me: How long have we had that pillow?
Wife: No idea
Memory foam pillow: Two years, five months and two days
Being a “Hopeless Romantic” sounds kinda depressing. “Pull my chair out for me?” .. “I’d love to, but I’ve given up.”
My reactions
1st child’s problems: I WILL fix this!!
2nd child’s problems: Let me know if you need help.
3rd child’s problems: Good luck.
“I’m gonna make you so happy, baby. And then I’m gonna make you real sad.”
– gas station nachos
Everyone is posting pictures of their Christmas tree on Instagram and I’m like oh shit I forgot to delete Instagram.
me: *applies to cult*
cult: no thx