This one time, I got kicked out of the audience of “Cats” on Broadway for bringing a laser pointer.
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There’s no cool way to get your braces unstuck from the carpet.
My calendar says there’s a new moon tomorrow. The old one was there for 4.5 billion years; you’d think people would be more excited.
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.
If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
The Maze Runner. #MazeRunner
[Before the post office was invented]
SOME GUY: I need someone to deliver an important document
PIGEON: *simply existing*
SOME GUY: You seem trustworthy
Maybe Oscar wouldn’t be so grouchy if he lived in a keg instead.
I took my kids’ screens away so we could spend some quality time together and it turns out they are really terrible to be around
[Job interview]
“You list communication as a strength”Yes
“Care to elaborate?”
No
If I could go back in time, I’d probably stop Bruce Willis from saving us from that asteroid.
I like to go on job interviews wearing an eye patch and switch eyes when the interviewer looks down.
[Swiss bank]
ME: I’d like to take out a loan
CASHIER: Okay, what kind?
ME: A tober
CASHIER: what?
ME: A toberloan
CASHIER: Are you trying to say Toblerone?
ME: …toberloan
I just finished an eye exam and the receptionist asked me if I’m free on this same date next year for a follow-up appointment. Dude, I walked in here wearing my wife’s glasses because the prescription is close & I ran out of contacts–do you think I know what I’m doing next year?
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
I’m in that fun part of a relationship where everything is new and exciting and we are learning things about each other and I don’t poop.
Travel tip: If you’re gonna have a double Bloody Mary at the airport, remember to bring $17,000.
Made a dermatology appt for a really weird mole I’d never seen. It was a burned crumb of pizza crust that fell down my shirt. So anyway, I ate it and called my eye doctor.
ME: This house is haunted by a teenager who died here
HIM: Nothing is happening
ME: It’s midday, he doesn’t get up until mid-afternoon
How do you get the avocado back out of the toaster?
Cop: Why were you speeding?
Me: SHE’S IN LABOR!
Cop: That’s a beach ball in a wig.
Me:
Cop:
Me: I don’t think I’m the father.
Cop: Get out.
I don’t pick my nose in the car. I’m worried the airbag will deploy and force my finger into my brain.
[first date]
Me: Do you prefer awkward silence or awkward conversation?
Her:
Me: Yeah, good choice.
Scurrying around in your socks, holding your beltless trousers up: airport security is like a weird, brief slumber party in the middle of the day with a bunch of strangers.
life hack: DO NOT TRY TO CUT CHERRY TOMATOES IN HALF WITH YOUR FOOD SCISSORS
Yet another “No DMs” bio. All this civil rights progress but bigotry against Dungeon Masters is still tolerated.
You’re like that person playing Pictionary who draws something terribly and just keeps circling it.
My boss yelled at me for napping at work, even though I had a clearly posted “do not disturb” sign.
My dad will drive six hours to avoid a three dollar ATM fee
Took my kids’ car seats out to clean them. Found a whole box of Cheerios & 2 buckets of sand.
Please don’t bother me while I am playing Tetris*
*taking everything out of my attic and then fitting it all back in
My TC promised me he likes it rough so, of course, I bought him a plane ticket. On United.