This one time, I got kicked out of the audience of “Cats” on Broadway for bringing a laser pointer.
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me: what makes you angry
pirate: when someone steals my p
My train of thought is actually just a drunken wedding conga line.
Would love to comment on the scam lady but I took out student loans to get a theatre degree from a liberal arts school, so.
My favorite female superhero
Went to the grocery store hungry. I didn’t need to pay rent this month anyway.
You (irrational, cowardly): Don’t panic, but there’s a small fire in the building
Me (stoic, level-headed, brave even): *picks you up and uses you as a battering ram for my hurried escape*
mom: everyone has to learn to swim
kid: even jesus?
mom: of course
jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* lying’s a sin, brenda
Not to brag, but I am really good at taking naps.
I can even do them with my eyes closed.
“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
of course babies cry on planes, as far as they know they’re about to be eaten
My book group read “Ventriloquism for Dummies” this month. We met in the living room, but it sounded like we were in the kitchen.
I wish I had the confidence of someone who would let themselves be tattooed in a place they can’t see.
No Grandma, a friend with benefits is not someone who lends you a cup of sugar.
Friend: I set a new personal record last week
Me: Me too
Friend: I took 2 minutes off my marathon time
Me: I ate 12 tacos in one sitting.
Everything my three year old says is like listening to a weird roommate describe their LSD dreams.
me: do we have anything for a headache
wife: try the cupboard
me: won’t that get stuck in my throat
if god really loved all the people of the world why do our heads weigh so much.
Parenting sometimes feels like you’re an elevator. Lots of ups and downs and the kids love to push your buttons.
8: in this game I play as a goose and I have to annoy everyone, run off with things when people need them and leave a mess wherever I go!
Me: wow, I literally cannot imagine what that would be like.
maybe there is no I in team but I see there is a goat in go team, so that’s fun
Ordering surgeries off the secret menu at the doctor’s office.
doctors: we recommend 7-9 hours of sleep every day
also doctors: time to work my third 24-hour shift this week
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
*about to kiss girl*
*butterflies in my stomach*
*I vomit, thousands of butterflies fly out*
*they pick up the girl and fly away*
Man not ag
Me: I just souped up my car
Person: What kind of engine did you put in it?
*cut to me filling my car with tomato soup*
Me: Um… A fast one.
Interviewer: According to your resume, you’re one of the greatest fiction writers the world has ever known
Me: Yes, I wrote that
happy mother’s day❤️
“What do your tattoos mean?” They mean I can sit still for a long time
The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. That’s why it’s crazy for me to go to work