This one time, I got kicked out of the audience of “Cats” on Broadway for bringing a laser pointer.
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Back in the 90s, Target sold mini board game key chains, including a key chain Ouija board. These tiny things always made me laugh, just imagining an inch-high demon running around tormenting someone. Oh no, he’ll give you a hangnail! He’ll roll the peas right off your plate!
Her: Did you turn the iron off before you left? Over.
Me: *in a ship streaking through the endless vacuum of space* …Dammit. Over.
13 just put on deodorant without being told so he must have a girlfriend now
Wife: Sometimes women like bad boys.
Me: Well I just replaced real garlic in this recipe with powdered garlic.
Wife: *fans herself*
A fun thing to do is comment “that ain’t the girl you were with at the bar the other night” on all my married friends Facebook family photos
Bartender: A shot of whiskey can cleanse the soul
Me: *thinks back to the time I “experimented” in college* I’ll take 27 bottles please
Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why are you doing this?
I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
There’s a bounce house at the bail bondsman’s office. There’s curiosity in my mind.
What’s upsetting about hearing my neighbor have sex is realizing she can hear me ask my dog if we’re best friends multiple times a day
My ex left because I “lack imagination”.
“Yeah? Well you lack imagination!”, I shouted after her.
Wife: did you know the Office Depot is having a going-out-of-business sale?
Me: {sitting on a throne of post-its} I think I did hear that
Isn’t that the name of the guy that played Sherlock Holmes?
The only reason to engage with a neighbor is if either of you is on fire.
Cats REALLY hate dryers.
However, Patches has Never looked this fluffy
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “A flat tire”.
Travel anxiety is like regular anxiety but with even more baggage
7:02 pm: I’ll probably have 1 or 2 beers
2:43am: [emailing the former CEO of radio shack] WHY THE FUCJ WERE U SELLING VCRS IN 2014
I don’t take Advil when I get my period. I need to feel all the not pregnant.
If I was Taylor Swift I would only date men whose job has a lot of terms that are easy to rhyme with.
How are you gonna be in the throes of heartbreak and have to write a song rhyming with “line of scrimmage”?
Mankind has made a lot of mistakes, some of them truly monstrous. The Holocaust. Slavery. Calling it a “corn maze” and not a “maize maze.”
I live 30 feet from my mother-in-law, Hell holds no surprises.
We’ve been getting a meal kit service and 9yo has been gamely trying all of it, but the other day it was salmon, which I knew he’d never eat, so I made him chicken fingers from frozen instead. He was like “WOW, is this hello fresh? This is INCREDIBLE.”
the 1000 IQ baby who kills itself at 1 year old
Got fired from my job at Footlocker for trying to feed myself to the crocs.
A fun thing about having teens home during summer break is that they only require 2 meals a day because they don’t wake up until lunch.
Who will tell him he’s not a dog !
Good morning to everyone except people that can tell the difference between ‘Under Pressure’ and ‘Ice Ice Baby’ as soon at the song starts.
*nothing on the kitchen table*
*nothing on the living room floor*
*nothing on the coffee table*
*nothing on the dining room table*
7yo: *builds 2,000-piece lego set at the bottom of the stairs*
men don’t eject their eyes from their sockets and yell awooga anymore