this one time I saw a vegas hypnotist who told the audience he was going to turn me into a sad, depressed loser who makes dumb jokes on a dying website for zero money & I was like give it ur best shot, Mezmo the Great
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Server: Congratulations, ma’am
Wife: *confused* Er, thank you. Why?
S: Your husband said you’re eating for two
M: Oh she’s not pregnant
W: I despise you
I could tell my beard needed a trim when I started seeing some of the pictures my 6yo was drawing of me.
VIDEO: Multiple raccoons take over the library at Arkansas State »
To the person that lost their iPhone 13 Pro Max at Costco… Please stop calling my new phone. Thanks
*gets out of the pool*
*gets into another pool but it’s full of rice so i can dry off*
new dad Todd: lol check out what I did with my baby
friend: lmao dude did you actually put him in a treetop
Todd: lmao the wind rocks him so I don’t have to
friend: yo what if the bough breaks or some shit hahaha
Todd (suddenly serious): bro why would you even say that
I met my wife while on holiday. Which was awkward, as I’d told her I was going to a funeral.
that de-escalated quickly
keep scrolling I’ve got nothing.
One fun thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
Sorry random child at the playground that my daughter just invited to her birthday party 4 months from now. It’s never going to happen.
Do you enjoy addiction, anxiety, and urinating? Then coffee may be the beverage for you.
Saw one of the most deranged Facebook ads of my life yesterday
Twitter is a great place to befriend people who you’d never let in your house.
[robbery]
ROBBER: Give me all your money!
ME: I don’t have it all with me.
ROBBER: Dang!
My favorite genre of tweet is “person born after I graduated college feels old”
Ladies, don’t date hungry guys…they’re just trying to get into your pantries.
I notice you only call when you want something
Person calling: ma’am your bill is 90 days past due
The worst things in life are free, too. Like, gonorrhea, chapped elbows and flyers left on your windshield.
I think my toddler said her first three word sentence today. I was so proud! I asked her if she wanted a hug and she said “no want it!”
me: I’m doing marathon training
friend: that can really help you in the long run
me: I know what it’s for
I feel like people are in such a hurry these days, that there isn’t enough moseying happening anymore. Dont even get me started on sauntering and lollygagging.
I’m not saying I’m not physically fit, I’m just saying I went to yoga once and they had to call the paramedics.
as an adult I encounter ingrown nose hairs far more often than random quicksand and that’s bullshit
HIM: I eat guys like you for breakfast.
ME: I don’t underst—it’s 2:15, you can’t have breakfast now.
HIM: No, like, I’m threatening you.
ME: For tomorrow?
1920’s: Women were fighting for equality and the poor were suffering while the rich prospered at their expense.
2020’s: Women are fighting for equality and the poor are suffering while the rich prosper at their expense but we have the Internet now.
Anyone else ever hit the pizza button on the microwave and hope that pizza would be there?
Always be kind to people, you never know who may own a boat.
Me, first day as homicide detective: Just as I suspected…it’s blood.