this one time, I was able to rob a bank armed with nothing but a notebook filled with poetry I wrote in the 8th grade
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“Uh, Mom?” said my 6 year old. “Look at your child.”
So I looked, and there, sitting cross-legged in a miniature lawn chair, was my 2 year old drinking A1 sauce straight out of the bottle.
Me: I signed my son up for an appointment with a child psyhcologist
Doctor: That’s me
Me: but you’re an adult
Doctor: and a child psychologist
Me: how
our Lyft driver this evening has plenty of barf bags stashed in the back, automatic 5 stars for him
I watched a woman clean her whole house on YouTube today, in case you thought I lacked ambition.
cannibals be like “lose 20 pounds in a week” then eat your arm
I just watched Grease and it makes me sad how kids today are too lazy to buy matching leather jackets and smoke cigarettes.
Maybe this is the Windows software update that changes everything for me.
Me: I wonder why you only oversleep when you have school!
My kid: Mumma that’s because on other days it’s just called sleep.
I’m absolutely irreplaceable at my place of employment. As long as they never try replacing me with a block of wood.
I slipped on ice and discovered I’m a natural at break dancing
haha remember when I was in charge of a children’s birthday party at the pottery studio I worked at and I kicked things off by saying “alright it’s jenna’s sixth birthday, pretty impressive she’s made it this far…”
My grandfather just figured out what instagram is so now he says “#nofilter” after every casually racist comment he makes.
Date: I can’t believe you never saw titantic
Me: To be fair, it did sink before I was born
I’m not taking the Democrat convention seriously until someone starts talking to a table.
meeting the person who is training you at a new job is exactly like when a baby duck imprints on its mother. following them around clueless as shit. someone else will be like hey can you send this email and it’s like no i’m not sure i can. i’ve never done that without jeremy
I knocked over a display at the grocery store and managed to get myself in both a pickle and a jam
[awkwardly waving to another killer as we dump bodies in the same forest]
[Chopped episode]
“In your baskets is a box of spaghetti olives fried chicken mozzarella cheese tomatoes and a package of Oreos.”
Me *opening Oreos*
“Clock hasn’t started.”
Me: There’s cookies.
“Those are for your dish.”
Me *munching*
There’s cookies.
Tuba = Terrible Underwater Breathing Apparatus
At the pool, putting on sunscreen, kinda feelin myself for the first time in a long time…
11, “Make sure you get the sunscreen on all your places because you are really, really pale and there’s a lot of places.”
Sleeping Beauty gave me entirely too much hope that there were spells to keep you asleep for years at a time.
I secretly gave our Waffle House waitress a $100 tip and my family can’t figure out why she’s crying & hugging me & trying to get in our car
We can’t land research equipment on Venus because the heat melts the circuitry, so NASA should build rovers made from fat-free cheese because nothing can melt that garbage.
What’s the smallest amount of money you would reach into a toilet to get? Mine is a skittle.
*curtsying before the royal duck court*
M’allard!
Thinking about becoming a yak farmer, gonna run this by the HOA
5, leaps down from high furniture onto floor and sees my horrified expression: look Mom, I’m really nervous-ing you up!
ME: We live in an uncaring universe void of meaning and purpose.
WIFE: I understand, but you’re still folding all this laundry.
“911, what’s the emergency?”
we were robbed. they stole the wireless router
“calm down”
also they shot my grandma or something. not sure
They say a mind is a terrible thing to waste. You have nothing to worry about.