Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

BREAKING: Dressed as Cat, Jared Leto Pushes Fellow Attendees Off Table at Met Gala

fun fact: originally, Greece was just a bunch of separate countries that were each named Grooce.

Protip: Never underestimate the number of sticky notes on your desk when trying to appear busy at work.

*puts on wrestling mask*
*stretches*
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*

Me: Let’s do this!

Kid: It’s just thumb wrestling, lady.

Me: Bring it, loser!

Boss: we’re going to our cabin on the lake this weekend
Coworker: you guys have a cabin ON the lake?
Boss: Ya?
Coworker: must be wet hahaha

Friend: You’re so calm and quiet lately- I like this peaceful side of you

Me [my brain rotating like an insanely out-of-control taffy machine]: haha thanks

Nobody talks about how much of a newborn dad’s job is literally being a chair

Honk if you are possessed by the vengeful spirit of a goose

HIM: whatcha thinkin’ about?

ME: *thinking about how polar ice caps are melting yet Santa still gives naughty children coal instead of a clean, renewable resource alternative* …oh, nuthin’

For sale: Haunted bonnet, comes with robin egg. DO NOT SEPARATE THE BONNET AND THE EGG $5

Crying on the way home from visiting my kid at college.

I miss her already but mostly I’m crying because she took all the money from my purse.

When people show up unexpectedly for dinner:

Tonight we have slow boiled hot dog sat upon Dempsters bun with a tomato puree beside carrot sticks and crispy potato patty garnished with strawberry slices

“I got this”

-hypochondriac reading Web MD

the Monday after daylight savings

Dispatcher:
“The call is coming from inside the house!”

Me, seconds from murdered:
“I have a landline?”

heres my To Do List – become the new kfc colonel, mess with texas, invent a new animal just to piss off scientists

my friend accidentally liked someone’s very old photo on instagram when she was doing a deep scroll, panicked, n immediately CHANGED HER NAME AND PHOTO ON INSTAGRAM LIKE ASSUMED AN ENTIRELY NEW IDENTITY N GAVE HERSELF A NAME LIKE FRANK B. JONES JUST SO THE PERSON WOULDN’T NOTICE

I guess I prefer Subway because they make me feel like I’m making the healthy decision when I order a loaf of bread with 18 meatballs on it.

My grandma: I found some toys in storage you can give to your daughter!

Me: oh cool what are they?

Grandma:

Detective: *into the earpiece* just act natural

Me: this tape is itchy

Drug Dealer: what

Me: what

[Dog Court]

Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury: We find the defendant, not a good boy.

*dogs family in courtroom begins to cry*

How soon into a new relationship should you let her know you’re an idiot

Overheard 2 dad’s at the playground wondering if my kid was as creepy as me.
Joke’s on them. I don’t have kids.

I’m a hiring manager with a team of nine. Two are called Tom. I recently interviewed a candidate for my team. He was almost perfect but I can’t hire him because he is also called Tom and two Tom’s are enough.

You know you had yourself a weekend when the kids wake up Monday morning in the same pajamas you put them in Friday night.

a reese’s peanut butter cup but the inside is toothpaste

Me: I drink vodka mainly because of my Russian roots

Him: You don’t have Russian roots

Me: *cracks open to reveal a slightly smaller me inside*

Customer: Can someone else serve us?

Me:?

C:I don’t want my children exposed to the sin of your tattoos.

M: Satan wants their tiny souls.

I didn’t really feel old until my doctor hit me with the “at your age…”