Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I love the Olympics #OpeningCeremony. It reminds me of that time I had to run to the creek when my sleeve caught on fire.

[Concert finishes]
Me: *taking a bow*
Violinist: Hey, give that back

Pretty sure the “FINISH HIM” guy from Mortal Kombat is giving relationship advice to every girl I date.

Pharmacist. There’s one particular cupboard in the pharmacy that is locked all the time with one lock & two padlocks. I’m the only person with the keys. The other staff all believe there are very serious drugs only I’m allowed to access in there. It’s actually my snack cupboard.

#ThisIsWhyMeghanLeft

Abraham Lincoln is in a cent until proven guilty.

Paranormal Activity, but the demon that drags us out of bed is called “work”

I always hear people bragging about weightlifting. In my opinion, if I have to grunt to pick something up, it can just stay where it is.

male coworker: how’s it hanging?

me: loose and to the left

him:

me: you’re not going to ask me that again, are you?

him: not a chance

*on date*
Me [don’t let her know you’re married]
I have a wif..i hotspot on my phone.
Her: oh that’s cool.
Me: yeah my wife got it for me.

Hello OnStar? Yes I have an emergency. My wife thinks Pikachu is better than Squirtle. I left her at a gas station. Can you go get her?

The best thing about a morning walk at go-to-school hour is I get to crash-tackle all the eight year olds.

Imagine being a Cicada you been waiting 17 years for your one chance to have sex then some weirdo freakazoid fries you in butter and serves you with a side of ranch.

ME: may I speak to the chef please? Today’s repast was magnifiqué
MCDONALD’S CASHIER: what

CW: What’s your middle name?
Me: It’s Mike.
CW: Oh. Well, what is your first name?
Me: I don’t have one.

Please hold so I can transfer you to a supervisor and accidentally hang up on you.

me: how much is this cordless mouse?

pet store employee: that’s a hamster

MOM: I hope you brought an appetite!
ME: I have spent a year studying a snake’s ability to unhinge its jaw to swallow food larger than its own head
GRANDMA: so, still single

SPIDER-MAN: hold it right there, Chameleon
CHAMELEON: how’d u know it was me??
SM: ur disguised as Peter Parker
C: so?
SM: *starts sweating*

3,026 years from today, life will either be really good or really bad.

It’s 5050.

Studies suggests, 9 out of 10 men prefer a girl
with a big butt. The 10th man prefers the other 9
men.

Don’t be fooled, sheeple. That Blood Moon thing tomorrow night? Just a ploy by Big Nature to get us to look up from our phones.

My friend asked if I pee a little when I sneeze like I’m some sort of multitasker.

Bro I’m not afraid to die I’ve ordered calamari at like 8 different diners

You attract more men when you smell like butter, sautéed ham and onions than any expensive perfume.

(standing in lava taking 20 damage a second) augh eurgh ugh augh augh ugh eurgh ohhg

Him: Congrats on the new baby. Boy or girl?
Me: Girl.
H: And what did you name her?
M: Well we were both huge fans of Elvis Costello so we named her after his best-known song.
H: Oh! Alison? Or Veronica?
M: What? No. Her name is “Watching the Detectives.”

Whoever said your harshest critic is yourself never had an 11 yr old daughter

I love my 5yr old dearly, but if he keeps saying “Dark” Vader I may have to sell him.

Doctor: I’ve increased the dosage of your medication

Me: Why am I not surprised

Doctor: That’s one of the side effects of the medication