this one time, my ex bf lifted a speaker up in front of my house to blast Bowie’s “Heroes” to be romantic, but a 20 second Geico ad played first
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love dating someone really offline because I can blatantly pass off various other people’s tweets as my own jokes
My husband gets so mad when I introduce him as my first husband.
The first 7 days of the week aren’t for me
I can’t wait for the government to shut down I have some scores to settle. Big time
When I’m drafting a legal document, I’ll sprinkle the word “herein” all over that shit like it’s paprika.
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What happened to the rest of my fries?
Me: When a man and a woman…
The Murphy bed mishap was as hilarious as it was fatal.
The next time I lose my car I’m just going to let it find its own way home.
“What are you typing? Let me guess. Oh wait, stop right there, I know what it is. It’s not that? Okay wait.. I know it, I know it!” -Google.
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid: You didn’t sew the hole in my bunny
Me..
Kid..
Me: It’s 3:07am
Kid: So are you gonna sew it now?
guys i’ve cracked the code
PRO TIP: Stall your execution by asking if the lethal injection chemicals are gluten-free.
[First date]
Him: I love murder mysteries.
Me: *trying to impress him* I have been a suspect in four murder cases.
Jeff is here!
“Jeff from work or Jeff the guy who announces his arrival anytime he enters a room”
Jeff is here!
HBO’s Cookie Monster is much darker
Me: I am so mad that people show so little respect to-
Him: yeah yeah women I know relax I respect women
Me: *was going to say Hufflepuffs* women, right
My dad gets drunk and sends me this picture at least 3 nights a week
Fun prank – this Christmas leave a charred skeleton wearing a Santa hat in the fire place for your kids to find.
Don’t you dare look at me with that come hither stare; I haven’t hithered in years.
Before Batgirl can become Batwoman she has to have a Batmitzvah.
I kept my whole house clean for three days. But then I felt like my kids had been locked in that closet long enough.
*girl calls me daddy*
*hammer appears in my hand*
“oh no”
*I start building a deck*
“what have you done”
*grill turns itself on*
The thing about my dogs barking is I can never tell if there is a murderer breaking in or if my neighbor closed their car door in the driveway.
People always use chicken nuggets as an example of unhealthy food parents feed their kids like do they even know how many fruit snacks my kid eats? Chicken nuggets are basically a cleanse for him.
Husband: Why are you so grumpy?
Me: I’m not grumpy.
My face:
Sometimes I think I’m in love with the woman who drops off the Amazon packages, and sometimes I realize I’m having a Pavlovian response.
Should have let Marvel produce 2020.
Just once I’d like to buy a house plant that didn’t have the lifespan of a soap bubble.
Him: You look angry.
Me: *lowering the flame thrower*
Do I?
My purse is deeper than some people.