Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

just pick it off the pizza, you won’t taste it

~ one of the many lies black olive lovers tell us

So it turns out you can eat cranberry sauce when it’s not Thanksgiving and nothing happens. You don’t get arrested or anything.

11YR OLD: dad, are we poor?

ME: we are rich in love…we are rich in laughter

11: so we’re poor

M: yes

Who called it a scale and not a weigh of life?

Seeing all the praise for Conan it’s time I told my own special Conan story. Years ago I first saw Conan. He was funny and I liked him. Then he kept being funny and I was like hell yeah I really like him. Later I found out it wasn’t just me, Conan did this with many other people.

When I’m forced to visit people I don’t like I find a way to sneak their peanut butter into their fridge

i think it’s pretty cool that we can all agree on the most fucked up thing of the past decade.

it wasn’t ebola

it wasn’t trump

it wasn’t even blake shelton getting sexiest man of the year

it was that damn U2 album that apple decided to just download to everyone’s iphone

Wife and I got each others name tattooed on the other after we got married. Split up and I had it covered with another tattoo. Two years later got back together and I’ve not told her yet, she just thinks I sleep in a hoodie because I’m cold. Have to come clean soon.

Body: All done?
Brain: All done.
Body: goodnight
Brain: goodnight
Body:
Brain:

Brain: Flintstone tiptoed a lot for a big dude

in other news: 8 hours from now, half the country will be screaming about tragedy and loss b/c some dudes didnt catch a ball enough times

You name it, my mother knows somebody who died of it.

In my defense,
I was left unsupervised.

DATE: Tell me about yourself
ME: I own 7 pens!
D: I meant, like, something personal
M:*Sadly* I lie about how many pens I own to impress ppl

cdc: covid lives on countertops for hours

my cat: *slowly pushes it off*

If you’ve committed to pulling a door handle that says push in front of people you have to rip the handle off. You can’t let a door own you.

Turkey: *mumbles*
President: Pardon?
Turkey: Thanks, so long sucker

My landlord told me he needed to talk to me about how high my heating bill is. I was like, come on over, my door’s always open.

sex work? uh yeah, I sure hope it does

I’m invited to a wedding this weekend.

I have two days to come up with a disease or cut off a finger.

Deleting my dating apps to meet someone the old fashioned way, his best friend moves in next door and he ignores me at a party only to propose to me and I say I hate him but then I see his house and he gets my idiot sister out of a jam and his aunt yells at me

I need a new toaster. Mine has two settings: WTF is it even on, and Viking funeral.

It’s so dumb to be on this app, why do I have a diary where people can yell at me

My fave part of eating corn dogs is when you get to the bottom and you have to shove the wooden stick in the back of your throat to get that last bit o’ battered glizzy

i love googling stuff. imagine not being able to google stuff. i would know next to nothing about the great molasses flood of 1919.

THE TERROR YOU FEEL WHEN YOUR PASSWORD DOESN’T WORK SO YOU TRY AGAIN AND AGAIN AND OMG HAVE I BEEN FIRED DID THEY FIND OUT THAT I SPEND ALL MY TIME ON TWITTER AND TIKTOK AND oh never mind I had the caps lock on

satan: I HAVE COME TO TAKE YOU TO THE DEPTHS OF H-

me: wow you’re tall

satan: thanks?

me: how tall are you?

satan: i dunno like 6’6”, 6’11” with the horns?

me: [twirling hair] omg “with horns”! you are SO funny

Chef: What kind of bread would you like? We have wheat, rye, white…

Me: Black bread.

Chef: We don’t have that.

Me: Racist.

(Job interview)

The starting hourly pay is $30 but it can go up to $45 later

Me: Okay, I’ll start later then

The scariest room in a haunted house would be filled with people you haven’t seen since high school asking what you’ve been up to these days

I never take my glasses off unless I’m sleeping or in the shower or sleeping in the shower