This one’s “Alex”.
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AA MEETING
Chairman: Please, introduce yourself
Eminem: Hi! My name is..
C: What?
E: My name is..
C: Who?
E: Hi! My name is..
C: Huh?
Hey person who wrote “WASH ME” on my car, I know it wasn’t my car that wrote that. My car doesn’t speak English. I’m onto you.
Er, no; we’re clearly searching for firewood. Anything you wanna talk about, bro?
My cats always look at me like I should have planned something for us to do.
Aww my microbiome fancies some high quality fermented foods does it? A little kombucha perhaps? I don’t give a shit, I’m the megabiome, I do what I want. I’m having a fanta lemon. I’ll swallow coins
What’s a good wedding gift that says “Congratulations!” but also subtly says “I really liked your first wife better”?
My car’s GPS has learned to say “Your other left.”
[interview for waiter position]
Manager: “So how experienced are you at carrying multiple plates?”
Stegosaurus: “You’re kidding me right?”
A poor analogy is like a bad comparison
[alien wobbles out of spacecraft]
“Take me to your leader”
[30 minutes later]
Me: So, this is my wife…
Terrifying watershed moment at work today. For years, kids have accidentally called teachers “mum” or “dad” without thinking, with hilarity ensuing. Today one of my colleagues got referred to as “Alexa”.
Protip: If your wife says the cord on the vacuum cleaner is too short, it doesn’t mean she’s asking for an extension cord for her birthday.
Getting a text from someone when I’m trying to tweet is the emotional equivalent to walking into a spider web.
At a seminar. Cannot wait to drop someone during a trust fall.
My wife bought me Costco underwear which I assume is the final line of defense against another woman wanting to have sex with me
today at work this lady said “it’s too bad you don’t have a tip jar. i wanted to leave you guys a tip” i said we do have a tip jar and pointed to it and she said “oh…” and walked away 😭
When I die I want my skeleton turned into a xylophone. Just like the good ol’ days.
I’ve never seen a single Star Wars movie and I plan on keeping it that way simply because, the reaction I get when telling someone I’ve never seen them, is far more enjoyable than any movie I’ve ever seen.
mom: what’d you do today?
christopher robin: the pantsless bear in crop top needed my help cuz he got covered in honey and stuck in a hole
mom: …okay maybe no more going to the woods alone for awhile.
Cop: [aiming gun] Neither of you move
Imposter disguised as me: He’s the one you want, kill him…
Me: [knowing my wife bought a drum kit for our sons birthday] He is correct
When I die, I want to be buried with a few random animal bones so archeologists 1,000 yrs from now will wonder what the hell I was
my mothers motherly urge to make sure you are eating no matter how full you are
and then suggest you lose weight
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
There was a magnetic necklace for sale at the $1.25 store. It was simultaneously unattractive and attractive.
I miss when flirting was just wearing a candy necklace around my neck and asking if he wanted a bite
I’m in a bad mood right now so I’m hoping to hear some good news about something bad happening to someone I hate.
Love this one 😂🧟
I installed a mirror inside my fridge to make it look fuller, and now I have two empty fridges.